Codependent Hellpit

-
         I just don't understand it. How an entire family can be oblivious to their need for validation and ignoring other's will and desires. For example, when my husband's grandmother came up to me and squeezed me, and said she was so sorry that she didn't visit me when she came to my city a few days ago, she was busy, yada yada. As if I CARED if she came, as if I actually wanted her to visit. It really didn't make a difference to me, because we had no close relationship at all. Every time I see her it is spent with her telling me all about her problems and begging me to visit more because she needs a friend. When did she ever show interest in me? Never. 

           But that wasn't only her. It was everyone! I barely know my husband's side because they are all so damn disconnected from each other, and when they come together they pretend to be loving to everyone. When it is obvious that his aunt does not give a fart about his family, and when she is introduced to me for the FIRST time even though I've been married for two years, she smiles and says nice to meet you and then just walks away without another word.

          It is like they are all scared of true intimacy, and cannot be bothered to attempt to get close. They sit on their own sides of the table, and do every day talk and complaints to their same people that they see daily, instead of getting to know the ones they rarely see. 

          And my husband's mother and sisters, whom I haven't spoken to in months because of how awkward I feel around them, totally ignore this fact and pretend all is normal when I go over to them and give an obligatory hello. Even though they wish they can hold my daughter and chatter at her, they won't ask what is going on with me or for permission to play with her. Since they cannot act appropriate and let us be, I am glad they are not in my daughter's life. 

         My husband told me that they told him they think I don't like his father, and that means I am not friends with them either. They accept it. It is true that I am fed up with his father's nagging him to question my decision to move away, as I have told him I don't appreciate him talking about me behind my back and that he should tell me if he has an issue with me, but this does not mean that they have to pretend everything is good and not ask me what made me upset. And then they go on smiling and talking with me about shallow things such as where we got a dress.

       I am fed up with my husband's side and their passive aggressive behaviors.

       Adoptee Protest

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Insanity

-
          I am so angry. When did everything become so okay? When did emotions become so evil? Why are people so evil? I was pushed down all my life, and gas lighted by every one I know. I am beyond angry, I want to scream until everyone can hear me and get shaken up to their core like I was. Unless they really are not human, and are just masking it in their human bodies. Pretending to be happy, pretending to care, pretending to smile. When all their lives they were just LYING. Lying to me that they were right and I was always wrong. I was never able to feel my feelings. They were always bad and stupid and immature and petty and silly, well I almost died from them, does that satisfy them now? When it all blows up in their faces and they are left shocked with ugly disfigures. HA!          Omg I sound insane, crazy, delusional, straight up retarded.          I don't know what I was meant for in this life, but it...
Read more

Projecting Our Inner Fragmentation on Others Makes Us Need To Control Them

-
We can only change others if we are whole inside. Otherwise, they will sense that we are trying to control them... For our own sake. To make us feel better about our own blocks. I realized this as I was trying to make new friends. I wanted validation for who I am... But I get confused with how much I want. I know that I need to have self-love first because then I am just relying on others for my self-worth. To make me feel good about my shortcomings. And then it usually falls flat, because they cannot fully contain all my issues. Joe Soll my adoption therapist, told me that a husband or wife cannot be a therapist to one another. That makes perfect sense, because they need to live alongside each other, and not constantly dealing with each other's issues. I guess, I confess, that I have been trying to change other people in every relationship in my past. I did not accept their differing viewpoints, because I felt so in lack myself, and thought that I had to get other's approval...
Read more

Finally Accepting Myself

-
I am realizing more now that my daughter is affected by my withdrawing because I can’t focus and be present, and I am lacking seriously in love. It comes from the lack of love for my certain parts, thinking they are unlovable. It scares me when I see her talking on and on to me, trying to extract attention from me in neediness to be seen. It also worries me when I see her not feeling comfortable to eat, because I am not paying attention to her and making her feel comfortable. I worry that she hides her pain of not being loved because I am impatient and short with her at times, I guess because my own inner self was not loved enough at her age. She also tries to hand me back food, as if imitating me trying to please her. I also realized that my intake of not the healthiest foods, like corn cakes and cheese, teaches me to want them also, and then I give them to her those kids of food and keep salad and fruits for myself, while she just nimbles on them. This makes me realize that I am no...
Read more