Adopted

           It's not good to see yourself in any extreme stereotype. Such as thinking you have to be perfect, because then if you do something wrong then you do not know how to handle it and your whole sense of worth goes down. Or if you see yourself as a rebel you will never be able to let yourself be another way. Extremes come from shame in childhood, as John Bradshaw says, and when your parent caused you to have to fit into a role in order to fit into the family system. He says that when a mother disowns her sexuality, making it "wrong" to have, her child may subconsciously have to act it out because she feels shame in it and feels guilty all because of her mother for having those feelings.          Pia Melody says in The Intimacy Factor that she sees the whole goal of relationships as to come to the middle of one's extreme self beliefs and be able to balance it out. She says there is a inner listening ability, and that when you go back into your triggers from

          So I put up a boundary when I needed one desperately. I went for my therapy session with my daughter and I noticed that the therapist was totally disregarding my discomfort and was trying to act all sunny, like when I said my daughter is stressed so can't sleep she said at least she is comfortable and looks well taken care of. I felt she didn't see me at all and was trying to downplay how I felt. I felt violated. I was in a bad mood and she was all cheerful. When I said I'm fine when she asked how I am, I had to lie because I felt uncomfortable saying how down and anxious I was. She reminded me of my ever cheerful mother. Smiling in the face of my pain. I wanted to scream as she happily bobbed on about how she started learning to play piano. I said yes I am artistic and she said I can develop it later in life, if I'm ready. She was trying to FIX me! I was furious and I said I did not feel she could help me.          Her face was red and she chirped that s

             John Bradshaw says that a "normal" family is functional. Meaning they can help each other with most of their needs, can be creative, can speak their minds. Pia Melody says that when fear, anxiety, and shame prevents a person from being authentic, comfort is nonexistent. I think a family should have comfort the be authentic. My husband grew up in a family where he and his siblings feared speaking their minds for punishment and anger, so they all shut down.             Bradshaw also said that a functional family is able to be flexible, and they know that they won't be yelled at if they make mistakes. This sounds like my dream family, and I want to cultivate my home to be this way. So far, my husband and I are pretty accepting of each other's true selves, when we are not in a triggered state. We have to work on respecting each other's state and knowing where the feelings come from. More about that later.

             I saw how much my baby loves me as I put her to sleep after a crazy day. I heard babies need most to know that their mother loves them because they love her. I spoke softly and got back into her space she learned to trust me again. I told her all the things we did today and how sorry I was for hurting her. I felt our connection. I saw how important I am suddenly. How important she is to me. I realized how grateful I was to be able to put her to sleep. How precious a child is to a mother. 

         I really believe that true spirituality is about people being able to share in their individual experience and live in harmony together without ego and judgement. We are all working towards that in life- the ability to see beyond the individual ego. Stop holding onto our defenses so much and let ourselves shine. This happens when people are vulnerable and true to themselves. Life is not about materialism it is about the soul. It's about kindness and love towards everyone. This compassion can only come when people let go of their hurts and open towards giving humans another chance. But mainly having boundaries with the self and knowing who to trust. Self love is foremost, and it can only come when there is a healthy ego. If the ego was violated and damaged it needs to be repaired through self love and nurture. Be selfish if needed, just find yourself and peace and inner love and happiness. Yay.         I sent a video to Ollie Mathews of me talking about my issues, and

           There are two types of ego: the one that gives you a healthy sense of self and get's abused when others overstep its boundary, which is good, and then there is ante spiritual, fear based ego. I read this in the comments of John Bradshaw's Codependency Part 3 video. I realized that if you are violated as a child in your ego stage, you will constantly search for others to fix it, like a raw, gaping open wound, until you realize you do that for yourself and protect yourself.          This is what happened to my father-in-law, and he expects his kids to fix him. He says that he "gave me my space," as if it was a huge favor of him. Not realizing that each person is an individual and deserves space, even if they are not asking you t leave or leaving you.            I see this so clearly that children can be violated in their boundaries, because of their innocence. Bradshaw says in John Bradshaw The Persecuted Family that it is a norm to abuse our children, b

         I'm sick of the disconnect. I look everyone in the eye in the street when I pass them, no longer intimidated of their appearance. I look at them and relate in my eyes how I truly feel, because our energies are touching anyways so what is the point of being fake? I am my true feelings on the outside and it makes me feel authentic. And not gas-lighting to myself as I used to feel. When I hid my feelings out of the shame of them.           Lisa Romano said herself on the Facebook group, hell is when you do not accept yourself. When you argue with your feelings and do not let them be. When you are disconnected from yourself. When you hate yourself. Your feelings. It causes anguish and that is the hell on earth. Heaven is peace and ease with yourself, and trust in yourself.          Whenever people disrespect me, I let them go. To me it is my truth, because it is my personal boundary. Right now I can only be with people who respect me. I am too fragile and new to face oppos

         John Bradshaw said that when you are shamed, you have to be perfect and you have no shadow side. He said when people discover the reason they did this, they are relieved that they can embrace the shadow sides. "Addicts always believe that something outside of them is their happiness." Codependents have to constantly become what the other person is because they can't stand the other person not liking them. They instantly become LIKE the other person when they talk to them- you like bananas, I like bananas. They think that everyone is only perfect and don't see any shadow side -which every person has. My mother is like this- she always said to us that everyone was nice and did not allow us to say anything bad about anyone. She always told me that I had to believe everyone was nice. Care-taking and enabling is sever dishonesty. You are doing it so that your image of yourself is a good person. It is really because of your shame. My mother said that my Dad told he

       I was able to be with my daughter happily and presently today, by sinking into the moment despite being out in public. I know it is so important for babies to feel seen and heard when they are in all feelings, to be mirrored and feel valid as a person. It opened her up to me and she was curious and calm suddenly. Her tired crankiness went away a bit, and she pointed to stuff with me in the store and copied the sounds of what I said they were. It was cute and precious.         I realize that I traumatize myself when I tell myself that I need to do something or be a certain way. I let my feelings be there and I feel better immediately. Yesterday when it was getting late and I started in on myself with blame and pressure to do what I had to, I decided to turn on some music. We had just been listening to Alan Robarge on YouTube about attachment wounds and how they cause us to feel insecure, and it was a bit overwhelming to me. So I shut it and put on some light music, and dance

           John Bradshaw said in Codependency Part 1, that dysfunctional families do not let you be your own person and cause you guilt for wanted to be yourself. They say, I am getting old and won't be around much longer so you should come see me... They also tend to not let you be greater than them, which is why it takes some people until their parents DIE to be successful. This angers me very much.          My husband's family does not let him separate from them. They tell him how awful I am being, and nag him about what he will do about me not talking to them. They guilt him constantly. He needs to divorce them for me already. I am sick of everything. How can people be so unaware of how they are acting?         Just because him mother had surgery, she expects me and my husband to come pander to her. That is what they say, take care of me. It is not about us, it is about THEIR needs. His father says I have no right to not talk to them, because HE didn't stop talking

            My mother came over because I invited her for her birthday, and I was baking a delicious cake so I figured it'll be a present for her. I told myself that I would not sink into pleasing her, and all would be good because we would be honest.             She came and sat herself down in the small room while i got ready. She was very cordial and looked through my pictures, most of them being of my birth family, and she mentioned later on that she didn't see any of her and her grandchild disappointedly. I rushed to explain that I had only developed a batch of the ones of my birth family reunion, because I could not afford to develop all. I look back now and see how enmeshed of me that was. My brother came over too, and he seemed very jovial and I was very happy with that. I enjoyed how he seemed to see everyone's feelings clearly, and joked about things lightly. Like how we get mad at each other but since we apologize later, we are still good. My mother was eerily

          Stereotypes cause people to not be validated sometimes. People tend to think white people that are good looking and talented do not have struggles. That is why people who know me do not want to believe that adoption caused me trauma. They think because I am talented and good looking and like to dress up, I must be happy and am ungrateful by being sad or depressed. They think because everything looks good on the outside, you cannot have any confusion and pain inside. This messed me up in life, in high school and beyond. I always felt I had to be more successful and happy. I pressured myself along with the rest. I cannot see things in reality, that I am upset about my life, because on the outside it seems so good and normal. I need to start seeing reality and letting my pain exist. That is the only way I can ever be happy.           I also tend to feel like I need a sign that things are going to be okay. That I am important, and my pain matters. I do not feel real until I ack

         I wonder if this means the pain is going to end. I wonder if there is an end to it all. I know where it all comes from now. That is why I feel so nonchalant now. I said my truth, I got it heard. So now what? Am I cured? Can all my problems end? I went home, and watched my kid. We went shopping for food. Then there was a blank time space and I felt low again. Things looked wonderful and TOO good before. My daughter started to bother me with her curiosity and exploring, dropping things in the street as we walked. I became bored and non-interested in her. And I have an hour and a half till my husband comes home, saving me from this boredom and prison. But Why? Why can't I enjoy my life with my daughter? Something is nagging at me. That old unhappiness and self-doubt that I deserve to be happy. I feel too ungrateful, and I judge myself. I started crying when listening to a sad song, about searching for something and feeling lost. Like the guy in the store that was flirting wit

        Things are going very well. I promised myself to be better, and see good in life so I fell asleep at peace. The next day I was having my new therapist for birth trauma appointment, and I was hoping for the best. Woke up early and let my daughter sleep as much as she could because last night did not go perfect and she only fell asleep at 12:30. So at 10 I got her up and empathized with her as she cried from tiredness. We got there at 10:30, which the 15 extra minutes she told me she needed worked perfectly.           I was strong in my confidence and was not fully sure if I could trust her. I questioned her every time I felt she was not really understanding, like when she seemed to be telling me that I had to let my daughter go out and be her own person, and I said I was doing that and recognized that she needed it, but that I had a hard time with recognizing where my own needs prevented me from seeing hers. Such as when she was cranky and I wanted her to sleep because I ne

           Was chatting with a biological cousin, about a baby she just had. It opened me up to my trauma. In that I really did have it hard by not knowing my birth family, aside from pictures and visiting. She made it seem so easy that we were talking, but I sensed the confusion and anxiety behind it. Like one of us would be cut off. That is our undertone, in every interaction I have with any birth family member. I looked back on my pictures from the reunions, choosing which ones to show her not to scare her away, and realized that it was normal and regular that I had a hard time living life regularly now. Hell, even before I met everyone I did, but now my life was kind of in limbo. I cannot expect myself to be perfect and successful. I have a lot of questions about myself. I am grieving my losses. Somehow my pain always takes me back to remember that.

          You cannot force people to be awakened. It has to come from their own choice. All you can do is work on yourself and be a light house for when they are ready to change. Sometimes it needs to take them going through a lot of hardships that they realize they need to change. All in Ralph Smart's video, How To Help Others Who Are Not Awakened. It was perfectly what I needed to hear, good timing. I was losing my mind. Losing my trust. Going dowwwn this morning. But I realized I still had myself and G-d. Through help of no one else but me. I needed to learn that only I can do this for me. Save me from this world of hell.          I woke up with nothing to look forward to. Nothing to tie me over. I realized my comfort zones where slowly expiring. I didn't wanna eat, didn't wanna have fun. I wanted more. I wanted love from my peers. Which I wasn't getting. After I posted something I felt was my truth and great on Facebook and no one liked it. And my husband's

         Meeting my brother showed (shouted at) me a lot of things. He mirrors to me how we were brought up, all the unhealthiness and mistrust and codependency. He is a lot more shut down than me, low energy. Because he is still with them in the toxic environment. It was fascinating to me to see our "programmed" reactions and distrust of each other. For example, we both felt responsible to bring the other up, and felt like not doing so was selfish. But we were both aware of our enmeshed attachment to others and were trying to insert a boundary.        The first thing that happened was he was very late, and although he promised 2 minutes to be there he took twenty. I was pissed and cursing him inside, as the weather was cold and my daughter was with me and this wasn't the first time he stood me up after offering to go for lunch with me. I was about to buy myself a coffee and relax myself, setting a boundary not to trust him again, when the phone rang and he was ready

             I see that my daughter comes to me for her sense of self, and my husband can be the one to guide her out into the world from my base. He gets her out of herself, and to experience new thing. While I am more into her inner state, he plays with her in the outer world. Such as by throwing her up and showing her a new toy. I am grateful for him. I wonder if that is the same idea with me, in that my child self needs to be loved and cared for in her feelings, but also needs to slowly meet others and get out in the world to see how things work. I experience it when I go out, that I am missing so much by being in my own emotional life. Such as how objective and vast people can be. And how there are so many things to do. I am meeting my brother soon, and I look forward to hearing his side of life and enjoying the outside air.

            What happened. I was just thinking about how will I ever know that I am enough, and feel good about myself that my actions count. I was feeling low and worthless. I decided to do the right thing and not indulge in guilty pleasure of watching mindless movies. I then spoke to a woman who may be able to help my daughter and I with her birth trauma effects, and was surprised when she responded compassionately to me. As I am not used to people understanding when I talked about my adoption trauma, and I needed to be sure she was aware of adoption being a factor of trauma. Suddenly, after my daughter woke up, I saw her coming towards me and I knew that I mattered. It made my eyes tear up. I just cried and cried and felt good about myself. She was happy too, if not a little confused as she came and sat on my lap.

            Melanie Tonia Evans said something interesting in her video this week called How Narcissistic Abuse Taught Me How To Be a Source For Myself. She said that before recovering, she used to think she had to distract herself from her feelings by involving in activities, and gain self-esteem from the outside world. She never felt good alone. I felt the same way in extreme in the past. She said staying in comfort zones was actually not comfortable. This is a big one for me. Because I was just realizing that the comforts I get actually do not satisfy me, and they only make me feel worse. I sometimes need to delve in my feelings to make myself feel good. I am getting less and less comfortable delving in the comforts I used to have. As I saw on Instagram, Spirit Guides to me: and the next thing you need to let go of for expansion is... It made me laugh. Going through a spiritual awakening is like having the floor slipping from under you, and you have no idea how you will manage. It f

      So grateful for the glimpses of happiness that my weary soul gets. I gave it some time and instead of waiting for the agony of her not being able to sleep and stress from being ignored while we strolled on the street to pass, I watched her play on the bed freely. I watched her swipe at me and push me away. I clapped my hands and sang a spontaneous song. She laughed appreciatively and added her own voice. I said her name and she copied. Suddenly, I was fascinated as I realized that she really was watching and listening. We were attuned. The more I watched and held back from interpreting things my way, the more she felt at ease to play. She showed me her mood by throwing the clothing around. We both laughed. She stood on her tiptoes and made her favorite sounds. After a quarter of an hour, she was more droopy and protested as I picked her up to my sling to rock to sleep, but I sang to her determinedly, and she fell asleep. It was bliss.        We can be connected. It takes wor

            My daughter is so cute she sticks things in a big party bag and walks around the kitchen like a little Mom. She takes out my old phone case, a shoe, and other things. She reminds me very much of myself, especially how she says, "Come on," as her first word, which was one of my firsts too.         We were playing with old Polaroids that I found from the past, and I was studying the ones with my 4 year old self smiling and making these deeply-staring looks. I wondered ironically what I was like, and if looking at them can help me jog memories of the past, which are soo blurry. I went to sleep and had a dream about some competition of myself and a childhood friend from playgroup, and how I felt totally on the outside and like a weirdo, always losing and trying to come in on time at the last minute. I woke up and remembered my first memory of going to daycare, and how different I felt. I did not want to leave, but I did not feel safe with my Mom either. I stared out

          I have to trust in my own soul more, and have confidence in myself and my beliefs because they are not supported at all in the world around me. I have people who do not believe at all in what I do, and they think my ideas are bizarre and out of reality. It kills me that things are this way, and it is why I fall into those abysses like I wrote about the other day. I have no idea why my life is so complicated for me. It takes away my strength and I am left with nothing sometimes, to give myself and loved daughter. I have to stop being so hard on myself, because things are this way. Thinking about it, I do not think G-d gives up on me the way I think, because I do have it very hard. Only I know that.          I listened to a speech about my religion, and emailed my mentor about my struggles. He said I should keep understanding that our religion is the only truth, and the other new-age ones do not have solid foundation. This I needed to hear. It made me realize that the world i

          I lost myself. I was so confused because my biological great uncle came over and was very interested in hearing about my trip to his hometown and wanted to hear how I tried to find some relatives there. He tried remembering more about his sister, my grandmother for me. He downplayed her story of her pregnancy, because he was unsure what happened, but he did say the parents thought it was a good deed to give the baby away and it didn't affect them, that the real issue that happened was when she went mental from her brain surgery mistake. They made it sound like they were ashamed of her, and it cut me deeply I could not say anything. We ran out of things to say, and I felt how I was trying to gain his affection and I hated it. I thought, why couldn't he be mature and act his age by seeing the best in me and not being judgmental of me for wanting to live near my birth parents. He kept bringing up how we were gonna make money to live there, and who we would see, saying we

         It is very important to let go of grudges against a person, and understand their perspective. That way G-d will forgive you for your mistakes against Him, and we all know we have them. Some of the things we do wrong are not in our control to avoid, and some we are aware of and could have prevented. That is why it is important to know yourself. And it is important to know others, and understand where their limits are so that you do not judge them when they do things that hurt you. If they truly can't help hurting you, you may want to put an extra boundary to prevent it from happening again. But understanding their side will help you be able to forgive them once you put a stop to it from reoccurring. We do not want to hold any anger and blame towards others, because then we are judging them and not accepting that they have deficiencies, just as we do, and G-d will not be able to forgive ours. It all starts from us- when we do not own up to having flaws, we won't forgive

               Thank G-d I do see that things are getting better. It is easier for me to eat my breakfast without the sugars, and to not snack. I just saw this today by being more conscious of what my day would pan out like. I want it to go well and be in an up mood instead of lack. I talked to my birth father yesterday, and heard that he wanted to talk to me, too, and it made me happy.  We filled each other in on random details of our lives, like what our school years were like, and our mothers etc. He told me his boss said I looked like him and my birth Mom, and that was great to hear. We spoke in length about the last time we saw each other, and for me it was like bringing up unclear, hidden memories that I barely remembered. He said the last we saw you and your brother was when your parents brought you and said you were moving, and we had no idea when we'd ever see you again. I didn't remember. He said my brother would come around, and the main thing he focused on was that

       It's true. Every feeling we experience from our outer life is really a reflection of our inner state of being. When I am on highs, I believe in everyone and everything, seeing magic in my world. I have a good time and know how to be present with people. I point of advice and joke and laugh about things. My daughter and I play and I see her adorable ways of being and feel a rush of gratitude and affection. Such as from the way she shouts and talks cutely, hides things under the cushion and places things on the bed ledge as if it is her reserved place, has a funny way of grabbing things and swiping at me when she is angry with me. But then when I am feeling low energy, nothing can make me happy, no fun trips and no important, long-awaited events that come up. My husband further annoys me by any behavior that exhibits negativity, and my daughter seems to be a handful and constant nuisance. I can never gain grounding, and life feels like a sliding slope. It all reflects my feel

          Mark Smith said in The Agony Of The Over-functioning "Family Hero" very important things to me. He says we are overachievers who are saving the family's name from dysfunction by doing great things. Like becoming professionals, hardworking, always trying to do the best we can ... But then we never feel enough because our parents instilled in us that we will never be enough for their acceptance. Many "family heros" will never think that they are, he excuses his language, effed-up because they see themselves as successful and doing great on the outside. But they themselves are a big problem to their own families because they will also instill in their children that they will never be enough no matter what they do, and they can never feel good about themselves and relax. Many become alcoholics, but not enough to ruin their jobs or money-income, so they seem in control. They can be over cleaners in order to feel control over their lives. But again, they wo

           I realized that my daughter knows I love her without my having to show it. Lisa Romano wrote on Facebook that a mother and child have a biological bond that, unless the mother breaks it, cannot be broken. I do care for her and have not broken my love for her. I think that every day that goes by with my showing her care builds up her trust in me, that even if I ignore her once she'll still believe I care. Also, she feels my love intrinsically, so it's more important that I continue to love her and take care of myself so I can do that inside. And not resent her for not letting me attend to my needs.             My husband and I both have a perfect complex which does not let us make mistakes. We either see ourselves as perfect or bad fully. Therefore we beat ourselves up when one thing goes wrong. It is not reality, and it is caused by the shame we felt for any mistake we made as children and feeling never good enough.            I was thinking. Adoptees feel ma

        Babies force us to be present with our emotions. I was in the trauma vortex with mine because she wouldn't sleep, and my mind went to million places of not being able to sleep myself, having things to do in the morning that I need her to sleep enough before, that I'm a terrible person because I had no patience for my baby.... All made me wanna blow up. But I didn't and I sat in them for a while and it felt terrible. Not all moments are going to be good, and that is life. I felt like I was losing my sanity. I did not want to hurt my daughter, but I did not feel like listening to her feelings at all. And she can sense that, which is why she wouldn't sleep. I took a breather in the bathroom, and suddenly I realized it was all not worth it. I loved my child, and I needed to be there for her. Her soul is crying for it, and so is mine because we are connected. Even though I may not always see it. And I calmed down suddenly, and I realized that the minute I see that I

         Abby Miller said something in Old Souls and Fragmentation that really resonated. She said if we want our vulnerabilities and pain to end, that means we haven't finished with it yet. We haven't done the work. This is so true currently in my life. Every time I am faced with overwhelming struggles and pain, such as dealing with my daughter, and having to go through difficult situations such as being with irritating and hurtful strangers and ignorance of my feelings from the outer world. It means I have not dealt with it inside, and it is reflecting my inner fragmentation.         Just the other week, I thought I'd be brave and post a vulnerable thing about adoption feeling in a group of adoptee families in Facebook, and boy did I receive a stinging backlash. This woman was degrading and calling me pathetic and not seeing the world as vast and being stuck in my own corner, and I was so set on fire. I realized that people were so cruel. One woman applauded me and shu

          I realized on the way up in the car, my husband triggers me when he tries to fix my feelings. Because I feel like he does not accept them for as they are, and it makes me feel worst about having them. He is like that because his family was scared of having big feelings, and they shut them down and punished others for having them. So when I freaked out for having pain and anger, he said what's wrong? With Fear in his voice. I got so angry about that, and had to calm myself before I yelled at him. I told him what I needed, and that I didn't appreciate his trying to shut down my feelings. He said he didn't, and I told him he was lying. We argued, and he finally admitted to doing that because it triggered him when people got angry because of his family and upbringing.          I also get really nervous when my daughter panics, and try to run from it as much as I could. But it grates on my nerves, and I feel my insides tearing. I want to scream and hurt her. I need t

           We had a massive blowout last night because my daughter was not sleeping. It was from the whole day of waking up in a new place and spending the day out and not paying attention to her. She was stubborn and, didn't fall asleep until 12:30 am, despite her only nap of 1 hour all day. And her trouble sleeping after the long car ride the night before. So I lost my temper, and my husband took her and then lost himself when she was whimpering and not wanting to sleep by him either. What really triggers us is her pathetic sadness and mistrust. I finally started crying a bit and letting my feelings flow. I felt hurt that I was not listening to my needs of feeling exasperated and wanted to sleep too.           I realized that true humbleness is when we know how we feel, and do not try to cover it up by acting "above" those feelings, even though they are in us. This is what we do when we are being arrogant, and then we project it on others because we do not feel like

       I was on a cloud of happiness on Friday, when we met my birth mother. We picked her up and took her with us on errands shopping. She was very unattached as usual, with a touch of happiness at seeing me. She barely speaks, just says practical things like explaining directions, and buying me food. She smiled widely when I offered her some pictures from last time, and said she'd take them. She nodded that we had similarities, and so does my daughter to her. She seemed very nonchalant about it. She mentioned that she wanted to raise her children, not give them up when I asked her about if she got to choose the families for the adoption. We went to visit my birth father at his work, and everything seemed so close and easy to get to. He was beaming when he saw us, and said we all looked good, and said we should come visit again. He works every day until 7, so barely has time out. I guess it's good for him to keep busy. He does have a few close friends. I am happy that my birth

       When I was rocking my daughter to sleep a few days ago, I was very tired from a sugar cookie and the day's excitement. I looked at her sadly and wished to know how she felt. She did not go to sleep despite her overtired red eyes. I asked her to tell me how she was feeling as we played with some toy animals I had bought her. She grunted and looked down. I sighed and looked at my phone. As I just decided to try again to rock her, she wanted the phone. I took it from her gently, and put it down. She began to wail pitifully. She didn't stop, and more sobs started choking up her throat. My husband looked up in surprise what's that? I said she's getting some tears out, good. I stroked her carefully and tried to convey my presence. But she would not fall asleep despite how much she sobbed I rocked, and it worried me. So I finally said I couldn't do it, and gave her to my husband. Which she protested but then fell asleep promptly. I was upset about that, but I alrea

      I decided to take the jump. The opportunity. To go to my birth parent's city to visit and look into the houses there. It seems crazy, but since it is what I really want to do it seems perfectly good. We have a car for a few days, and I figured I'd take the opportunity.        I am really nervous, because I don't want it to end up crashing and burning. I really hope I feel good about meeting my parents again. And not bored and let-down. I guess I have to be conscious and realize that it is healing and will not be perfect. My mind gets ahead of me because I want to be happy already. But happiness comes from doing the right thing, and slowly healing. The truth sets you free, and even if it's painful, or drabby, it is still real.          I need to do this to move out, and discover more about myself. A new setting with new opportunities. Maybe to meet new people. We booked a quite expensive hotel, but figured we could splurge after all we put ourselves throug

    I beat myself up every time I enjoy food. It is ruining my happiness and life. I cannot stand that something I am doing daily is not perfect. It is a way to control myself when my emotions feel like chaos. I don't know where to turn, who to be. I need to sit back and relax. I am going to be okay. I need to trust more.         I think this means I have to let the food battle go a bit. I deserve to enjoy myself after all the fighting going on inside since day 1. I don't know how to be any other way. I have to let this battle go for now. Focus on battling self-hate. Give myself the present of acceptance of my flaw of turning to food for comfort. I found myself scrambling for food as I took actions to change my life and hating myself for it. Telling myself I had to be in control. When I am too anxious to sit still at the anxiety of major changes happening, like moving and changing my mindset. I cannot stay in this house now, it has too low-energy vibes and no longer matche

       I noticed that it's sometimes the best to just wish people well and not judge. They don't want to hear your feedback because they are going through something in their own way. You need to give them the time to process and grieve in their own way. Especially when they don't fully trust you. Not always do you have to be in someone's life. As Ralph Smart says, each person you meet is an invitation whether or not to allow them into your space.            Mark Smith said in the Family Tree Brand Counseling video Profound Is The Wound Of Narcissist Abuse , that this cptsd is not something life teaches you to learn from, as someone commented, but it is much more profound than that. It affects a person on every level of their lives, and he believes that to recover is not so simple. You have to be cognizant of the effects every day in order to heal from it. I also hate when people say things like that, because it minimizes the pain. The pain creates a gushing wound.

          I just need to establish my feeling real. Everything else seems there for me, waiting. I keep being given amazing things and messages that are sparking up my soul. I want to hold onto them, tangibly, before they slip...           So last night we went to the lecture, and it was amazing and reestablished my firm belief that unless we help save others and show we care, we are not changing for the better. Community is what's most important. All the other good things you do do not make you great, unless you include others in your life and see past your ego. He was funny and real, and I enjoyed every word that came out of his mouth. He also said that the behavior of a person can truly tell if they are a good soul or not, regardless of what they "say." Sadly, my daughter was overtired and stressed there so I felt I had to leave early and did not get to speak to him personally.         We got home, and she was not in sleep mode and I got stressed. I was overthinkin