Adopted

           It happened again. I fell into a bout of depression and extreme nerves. I was soo happy yesterday, and last night. I was on my peak of self-belief and happiness. But this morning the pressure of the day got to me.           My 10 month old baby showed extreme signs of sadness, and I could not give her comfort at the moment because I was wrapped up in something I found important. Suddenly, my heart sank into my stomach and I felt I could NOT do this aware parenting. It was WAY TOO HARD. How could one mother help her baby with all the feelings? Especially when she had her traumatic birth, and I had spent her first nine months suppressing her cries with a pacifier, and she just had my DNA so she must be always as confused and sad as I am. It shattered me completely, and I felt helpless. I listened to her crying and raging in small doses, and watched that when I put her down she clammed up and acted silly, but then when I held her to me again she shrieked in even more distress

        When people go through sadness and tragedy, they need to mourn. The outer world needs to match with their inner one to heal. Or else a feeling of falseness comes up, and they are in doubt of themselves. They can begin to question their inside, and question their sanity if it goes on long enough.          Until they just numb out. Their inside. Their pain. Their SELF.          Yup, you know what I'm thinking. An adoptee who does not get to show her pain. After she is thrown into the dungeon. Of losing her mother. Of being taken to live with strange people. Strangers. She never gets the outside to let her inside be seen. Cognitive dissonance happens. Dissociation from her Self ensues. Self annihilation. Numbing out. Shooting up with addiction later to feel alive.           Or just codependency. That's the safest way to stay safe in the terror of losing everything. All over again. So the false self persists. Until their Inner Selves attract so much disaster and

          We cannot deal with other people's problems until we deal with our own. That's why i can't stand when people who obviously don't care about my problems ask me how i am. Pretending they care. They obviously don't but it seems like I'm the only one who picks that up.              And it triggers the old feeling crazy feelings in me. And I wanna shout, "I know what you are doing!!! I see it don't think you can trick me!!! You don't REALLY care, you just want my validation that you DO. Sorry honey, NOT today!!"           But then i KNOW that they won't want to hear that. They will deny and get angry. And then it will make me feel CRAZY. The gas lighting. I am still not yet strong enough to do it on my own.          So i carefully step away, slipping from their fake sympathies. From being their clutch of bravado, which I am NOT a match to give them. Maybe i used to be, but the memory of the falseness still cuts me like meta

           Not trusting yourself is questioning every decision you make. Being scared to move because you will not do well. Fear of getting hurt because you are so used to it, and scared of the pain you know you will feel in the disappointment of yourself.           But life is meant to be fun. It is meant to be challenging in the best way possible. You wouldn't enjoy something if it didn't have a challenge, would you? If everything just came to you, you would get bored and keep wanting new experiences, until there was nothing new to get and boredom and jadedness of everything kicks in.          So people have to work for their pleasure. The biggest pleasure is in the reward of effort. Everyone knows that love grows for things that you invest in, such as raising a child, and cultivating a relationship. Or investing your creativity in something.        I used to be hard on myself for any work I did, telling myself it wasn't good enough, and my own voice was never enoug

          I really wonder if it is better to keep one's baby or to give her to someone else to raise if they can provide her with a more stable ENVIRONMENT.           By a stable environment, I mean that the mother is not depressed, and is able to pay attention to her baby's emotional needs as best as she understands, provided she is aware of child psychology and the effects of adoption on a baby. Meaning that as he develops, he will have to talk about his pain and confusion about losing his birth mom at such a vulnerable stage, and that it already HAS an effect on him when he was a baby. And the need of the baby to cry and cry until the trauma gets out of the body as much as possible.          Another factor that I am unsure about of the advantage of being raised by an adoptive Mom as apposed to a slightly mentally/emotionally unstable REAL Mom, is that there is such a thing as epigenetics and research now shows that everything that happens in a person's life and how h

            Selfish.             That is one of the spiritual teachings that bothered me the most over the years. It stuck inside me like a parasitic bacteria, spreading over all of my happy thoughts, eradicating them. When I have been putting myself down for so long, this word was like poison to my blood. It killed me at every good moment I was having, making sure I stayed down in the dumps where I belonged.           When I was a young child, we heard stories of horror and war from the past, and it was ingrained in our little heads that we were "SELFISH" if we ever wanted an extra treat or to be shown extra attention. At least in my experience, with the teachers I remember the most, the most awful, repressed, suppressed, "dick"tatorial ones. One told us, a class of nine year olds, a gruesome story I will never forget, and she seemed to delight in our horror as she ingrained in us the importance of sacrificing yourself and how EVIL it was to desire something for

              A maternal bond is instinctual. The oxytocin released in the mother when she holds her baby for the first time is a chemical reaction that proves that love is supposed to be natural for one's child.             To me, this is a foreign thing. I cannot understand the automatic connection that blood family has, because for me it was always in question in the back of my mind. I thought, does my mother really love me if she is not my real mother? Can she really have the same feelings for me that she has to her biological child? I questioned my relatives bond with me as well. But the whole time, my mother was intent on ignoring the subject of my adoption, and if there were any thoughts of it raised she was quick to say we were loved just as much there was no doubt, and that we were truly a family.          This messed with my mind a lot. Because in my mind there were still doubts, and if she was saying there was no difference between me and the rest of the world, it ma

            Trivialize a baby's feelings and he will grow up to become susceptible to gullibility of other's ideas of what he should feel, or what he should be doing in life. This is why marketing and societal codes works so well on so many people. They become like robots, not knowing who they are without following the world's expectations of the sheep in a herd of living. He will shut down emotionally, and live purely out of physical bases and to learn what get's him approval of his mates.           This is what terrifies people of being DIFFERENT, having a DIFFERENT thought than the general public. They have so little foundation of their inner self, that they have to mold into something that makes them feel approved of. But in reality, they are lost inside and dying for connection to their true selves.          Many mothers nowadays are terrified of listening to babies cries, because it makes them feel HELPLESS and GUILTY that they are not FIXING it. They need to

          It hit me yesterday. I was always unsure of why my husband was attracted to me, it made no sense to me. I knew I was not confident in myself, and this affect how I saw myself and how I thought others saw me. So I would ask my husband hundreds of times what made him get so hot for me. I wanted to understand him. But yesterday I realized men are different.          They are fully attracted to the physical part of the woman. People get offended by this, but it's true. What makes them STAY is the personality though. It just shocked me to think that he would actually get turned on exclusively from my physical appearance.         For me, I need to be desired in order to get turned on, and I guess since I did not like myself it was hard to imagine myself as being desired in any way, shape, or form. My past turn ons have always been feeling self-negated and taken advantage of. This no longer resonates with me, and I left somewhere in between. Of not wanting to be used for som

        We all have desires and interests which take over us sometimes. It is important to know that sometimes it is not good for us to be too invested in something. How can we know when something is good, and okay to be passionate about, and when we need to cool down and stop a passion? Or when we are not being passionate enough about something, how can we know when we should push ourselves to continue doing it?           These are things I have been struggling a lot with recently, as well as all my life. I get excited and proud of myself about something, and think this gives me the means to celebrate myself and relax. But then I fall on my face because I realize how I could have done better or it wasn't that great after all.          Adoptees have a hard time with recognizing a true self, because we prone to be very hard on ourselves. we lived with self-blame all our lives subconsciously for our mothers leaving us as babies, therefore thinking we are never in control of what

                    When you don't know yourself you project your judgement onto others and get mad at them. The more you know yourself the more you can see others objectively. Like your kids. You can see their emotions objectively because it has nothing to do with you.                         Know when you have a blockage stopping you from loving someone else. It's all you and nothing to do with them. It only bothers you cause you have it, explains Ralph Smart of  Infinite Waters .             You need to validate others experiences before you can show them any love. Love starts from loving yourself, because you can't see others objectively unless you see yourself. When you do, they'll feel it.and trust you, not feel judged by you. They will feel comfortable to act themselves, and not hide what you don't "approve" of. People love you for that.              Just listen. You do not always have to have advice.  Be present. Do n ot try to change th

          The more a child is not validated for his feelings, the more shame and guilt he will have about them, the more he will repress them and not be able to find himself. Us adoptees have a lot of this shame when we are not validated for our grief of losing our mother when we are babies, so a large part of us gets shut down- the sadness we experienced. The trauma feelings get played out over and over in our lives in order to get us to see and heal them, says Marion Rose speaks in her website.            The Continuum Concept  by Jane Liedloff explains that a babies' first memories will be the base of his life- he will subconsciously build his life to look like that. What he has encountered is what he feels the nature of life to be.  "Each impression can only qualify, to a greater degree or lesser degree, the first impression, made when he had no previous data on the external world (Pg 36)." This is why people who have trauma in their first years, and do not get it

           As I cried, bleeding out my pain of not belonging, I saw my my life being lived in a black hole just slipping further and further from view. It was tormenting, and there was no one there to pull me up. My husband had come home, and he was vaguely aware of what was going on.                   After a good cry, I found another adoptee blog, called Bleatings of a Sacrificial Lamb. It was just what I needed to comfort me. I was losing trust in my ability to see reality, in the storm of other's thoughts of what my reality was. She tore into the core of my pain, by explaining the unfathomable pain of a young baby being saved from the tormenting thoughts of being aborted, to being born in a cold hospital and being snatched from her mother's arms, bleating endlessly but ignored. She had to disassociate from there on, when things just got worse in her "replacement" mother's care, shut out in a cold room abandoned once again. It crushed me, and I could not fat

          I am so angry. When did everything become so okay? When did emotions become so evil? Why are people so evil? I was pushed down all my life, and gas lighted by every one I know. I am beyond angry, I want to scream until everyone can hear me and get shaken up to their core like I was. Unless they really are not human, and are just masking it in their human bodies. Pretending to be happy, pretending to care, pretending to smile. When all their lives they were just LYING. Lying to me that they were right and I was always wrong. I was never able to feel my feelings. They were always bad and stupid and immature and petty and silly, well I almost died from them, does that satisfy them now? When it all blows up in their faces and they are left shocked with ugly disfigures. HA!          Omg I sound insane, crazy, delusional, straight up retarded.          I don't know what I was meant for in this life, but it is something really awkward, strange, and retarded.         I have

            I was reading an adoptee blog, Adoption Survivor, and she was talking about how her father molested her and her mother was just emotionally closed off. But she didn't hate her, she accepted her.            This triggered a lot in me. The way she describes how she became like her adoptive mother in a lot of ways because of the nurture. such as hating social gatherings, and dressing up, and not wanting to discuss feelings... and disappearing into fantasy. The way she describes how she was meant to fill a void in her parents lives and she picked up and set on doing that, her parents were emotionally empty, there was never any nurturing from her mother even to her adoptive siblings. Many felt she was wrong not to hate her mother, but she explains that her Mom just did the best with the tools she had- a life of repression and childhood pain she did not want to deal with.             I never noticed the issues my mother had and parented us with early on, I always thought

            The opposite of stuffing your emotions, repressing through eating, distractions, shopping, addictions, watching TV, is Feeling sadness.             Sadness is a wonderful thing. It is a backdrop of dreariness, anger, pain, and alone-ness. It is walking into the forest, and staring at the trees in wonder. It is realizing that there is nothing, no one, who can comfort you but yourself. It is embracing that, and loving yourself in silence and loneliness.            I first experienced that as a child. I ran to places to hide, so I can be alone and in peace. In peace with myself, so I can be at peace with the world. The cold, lonely, hurtful world. I could make it all shine, and be a better place to live for myself.           Someone said, when you face your deep down subconscious soul feelings, you can be at peace with yourself and love yourself. You live in a whole new identity, than if you had been shutting it out. The deep pain you feel, and the trauma you went throug

          It really scares me when I see that no matter how long I push my daughter into showing me her emotions, and her eyes focus somewhere else where she seems in deep pain as she screams and screams her emotions out, she still can't seem to face me from her most intimate self. It saddens me to no end that she is detached from her at her true core, and cannot be in relaxation with me there. This means that her true self, the deepest self that she is, is built on pain, and fracturing due to it's first memory in the world.         I discovered another sharp trigger for her: being held up from her armpits with her body dangling in the air. She screeched the moment that happened today. I flashed back to when she was first held in the world, in that same exact position by the hot-headed doctor who was triggered by the fact that me, his patient, was telling him that I wanted to give birth on my own terms, that is without 6 nurses holding me down for dear life. He threatened a C

            Confusion is everywhere for me. I want to be there for myself but everything I want to do seems selfish and bad. It makes me so hopeless.            Like honoring your parents. I don't want to call my Mom because it brings up old beliefs of me being helpless, and good for nothing. When she asks me how I am, and I say I'm good, just staying in today, she pauses and I hear her thinking that I'm depressed so that makes me a boring person. Or when she criticizes my parenting, such as how I carry my baby a lot instead of using the carriage which she hates, my Mom tusks and comments about how I will hurt my back.... It just makes me scream inside.           Or when I want to be creative, but tell myself that I have nothing to say because in order to be something worthwhile of reading, you need to have interesting articles with proofs and inspirational talks the majority of the time.           When did I become my worst enemy? Well, when I was too small to rememb