Adopted

The more I face in me the happier I am. Being adopted and how I was treated in the aftermath really screwed up my mind and how I see others. It is important to see how. To fix it and not keep it happening. I was thinking more about how I don't let myself trust that others care, and I see that when I don't care myself, I attract the same on others and spend time trying to get them to see my unmet needs. Adoptees are the biggest energy suckers when they are not real about their needs. So I was thinking I would make it a business to bring up adoption flat out inorder to show people what I need. I do need to talk about it, no matter what people say about that. Such as my adoptive sister saying that I have no right to complain, never talking to me at her house, always belittling me. It is because she sees my pain and ADD behaviors as a weakness that is intolerable, meaning she can only have happy and productive people who entertain her around. And it is false and horrid, because sh

There's nothing wrong with believing that people really care. Being naive and gullible. I have this trait, and my upbringing made me feel like it was weak and wrong. To trust or want to trust others. When I got here in the early morning, it was very hard for me to walk from the bus stop to the host I was staying at because of all my packages and my daughter. She had threw up a bit because of nausea and not sleeping enough, and I hadn't slept a wink because of the discomfort of holding her while sitting on the bus trying to find a comfortable position. Then we were woken up by the border and had to get out with our papers, and needless to say that was confusing and hard for my toddler. So I changed her soiled clothing at 6 a.m. and set her in the stroller and saddled 2 small duffle bags and a car seat on it. I stumbled down the street bleary eyes and made it to the house. It was a very nice room with all accommodations to wash up and a spacious room. I was happy until I realize

I decided to leave because I need to deal with my pain. It is not getting any better. And it gets expounded when my daughter worries me and I freak out that I am incapable of love. All my trauma from adoption and not being seen in my feelings make me expound on her feelings and not see realistically. My husband and I also seem to be running on loose ends, unable to console one another and being too codependent. I tiptoe around him a lot, because he is anxious, and I am too. His family wanted us to sleep by them for the weekend for their daughter's new baby shower party, and I saw that as a looming disaster. I was working through how I would have minimal interaction with them, but I know it is not feasible. I hate how his father does not validate anyone around him and acts like a child. I told Joe Soll that I wanted to visit birth parents and he gave me his blessing. He said he will talk to me Thursday. So I am leaving. My husband was angry, mainly because it was a trigger for him

It was a crazy ride with my mom today, meeting for lunch. She obtains her narcissistic supply from asking me questions and pretending to care all about my life, and it felt weird. I noticed how I was programmed to answer to her probing questions, like a codependent who thinks someone actually cares about her but deep down I did not feel cared for. And I sensed it was all about her. So I deflected some questions and did not give myself over gullibly. I remember the videos of my childhood where she asked 21 questions to the children, like they are there to entertain and focus on, but it seemed fake. Such as talking all about how pretty their dress was, and to show off their new songs they learned. Never anything emotional or personal. It was so baby boomerish and staged.  I see how I learned from her about needing to please others and ignoring my feelings. I was angry about it. I cannot make sincere friends now without feeling unsure. She told me she was dating, and I was happy for her

Crazy time last night. My daughter was stressed probably from us watching Annie, in our need for getting away. I decided to break the pattern and listen to her tears. Boy did she shriek. I thought I couldn't handle it, but I remembered that it was not my fault and allowed her to her feelings. I listened and struggled with her, holding her gently and firmly. Her face crumbled, and the air of silliness and seeming to not be affected the whole night disappeared. She was bawling as if I was taking away her lifeline, my breast to suck. I felt bad, but I knew I needed to be there. It was hard to watch, but I told myself that I was okay and she would be okay, that my being there for her was enough. I knew I was all she needed, and all at once I realized how much she loved and needed me. It made me emotional. I was not used to feeling so needed. I allowed myself to cry a bit, realizing how much babies need... And imagining that maybe I needed it too and did not get it? She stopped and fr

We went out with new friends today. It is a trip to learn how to be with them. Being that we both have issues with trusting. I keep wanting to share everything, and found myself chatting nervously to fill silences. She in response was quiet and thoughtful, so it was interesting contrast. I kept not knowing what she thought of me and it made me nervous. Because I am so used to having to please people. But it seemed she is more rational and contemplative than me. But who knows, maybe she is just as unsure as me and it manifests in her quietness. Or maybe she is just cautious and more healthy. It seemed like she was a bit guarded. I don't mind though, I like getting to know her. I also would like to feel heard by another person, and she listens to me, too. She seemed unsure about direction in life. I am also somewhat. I wish she was more open though. Time will tell. I will be as cautious as I need to. I have to work on my judgement of others better, and not put all my hopes on someon

Feelings are normal to have, we just have to admit to them and then we can move on. Only by knowing them can we change the situation. I realized this today with how my friend was very accepting and didn't say anything about what I said. I realized I'm so used to the shoe dropping, and my feelings being made fun of. Or how I act. I used to live in a prison of dread of who I was. Now that I let myself act like myself, I am surprised by how other people accept me too. I find myself scrambling for words sometimes and people pleasing, but it is only because of my brain's programming. It is refreshing to note that feelings of pain and acting awkward is okay and accepted by some people. It is no longer a far off hope to be happy, and I see that it is possible to be accepted. Even when one is angry or upset. Even religious speakers say it is normal to have anger, just not to act on it. So I was taught you weren't ALLOWED to ever feel angry, because it annoyed people or was not

If we don't have boundaries within our family we won't be able to have boundaries in the public too. I am seeing that this is essential to living healthily. I have a hard time with inner boundaries, so I have a hard time knowing where I start and end with others. I was talking to my adoptee friend about eating addiction and he told me if I have issues with controlling my food intake I should fast in order to get it straight. I agree and I tried to do it at least for the mornings. It helps clear my head and see what I want. I also read Anne Heffron's book called You Don't Look Adopted, and got a lot of insights from it. She said she always wanted to get a man who would be perfect and make her feel better about herself, but realized that she couldn't attract that because she felt ugly inside so she attracted men who felt worthless too. At the end she realized that she wanted love inside to share to others outside. And she got support from her friends after she share

Joe Soll my therapist for adoption told me, why don't I tell my birth mother that I was hurt when she hung up the phone in middle of talking, and instead I told my birth father. I did not know, and then I realized it was because I was worried about being rejected from her. Also, I felt she was uncaring about me anyway, and I hate her and think she is an awful human being for giving away her kids. She also only talks about shallow things and never seems to have feelings. He told me gently about birth mothers and how they are affected by their loss, and asked me if I ever read "The Women Who Went Away." I said no, and that she was different because she was adopted too, so I feel it made her have no sense of emotion whatsoever even for her children. He said it may be true, and that she sounded like a victim, after all that had happened to her. He said that my birth mother sounded like she had a cruel birth mother to force her to give away her kids. I agree. He offered for me

You can't just become close friends after two times meeting, and if you do it is false, as Teal Swan says if Overlay ... That when people project onto others how they think they are supposed to behave, they become friends with a doll and not a real person. Because people are complicated, and the ones who are over enthusiastic are often shallow and not good at becoming deep. I see this with my past friendship, where we met and there was an instant connection. She said she needed friends, and acted like she knew me already. Gave me unsolicited advice. When I poured out my adoptee feelings to her in hope of getting to know her, she dismissed them! I had to convince her how I felt could be real. It was a disaster, and I was drained. When I told her yesterday that it wouldn't work out for me, she couldn't take no and said I must be hurt and that maybe I wasn't looking for non-deep relationships, as she was. My husband was astounded at that, because "anyone who knows me

On Monday I was catering to my daughter and her new friend our neighbor, a four year old hyperactive girl. My husband came home and I prepared food for us, while he continued watching them. Then they came in and my daughter was somewhat lost, so I felt that I had to watch her in order for her to feel connected while we ate. I noticed that she tuned in and ate every time I watched her. My husband looked up, and switching from his melancholy mood he started joking about how I was staring at her and pretended to stare too. I grew angrier inside, and then he started laughing and wiggling his tongue at her. It made me feel like he had no clue about her inner state. I grew furious and burst out at him that he was an idiot and couldn't he see I was serious?! He got defensive and said he wasn't doing anything and actually was serious. It was a lie. I yelled at him and even hit him when he started yelling back. Totally forgetting my daughter. She just looked on sadly. I finally decided

I was thinking how important it is for me as an adoptee to face my feelings, because they are the core of my being. My identity. Without them, I am untruthful. It is really hard though to face because I am so not used to it. Used to pretending everything is okay. But others sense it too that I am ill. Different. And it is okay as long as I say my needs. I have to be careful around people who make me feel too needy. Such ad majority of our families. Make me feel crazy for being sad. Without sadness there is no full reality. Life cannot always be happy, the shrill sound of my mother when she came by scared my husband. From a distant place in the house, he thought it was my nervous scream that something wrong happened. That is very telling, because her happy scream is over-compensating her pain inside. So I look to my friends who seem to get it, and are not surprised by my expression of my true feelings. I keep thinking they will leave me, and am surprised again and again when they care.

Wow a long weekend/Holiday. I saw first hand how when people are not aware of their issues they project onto you, and do not see you. They see the world like a defective doll, and are replaying scripts of their pasts and treating others like their parents. As Teal Swan talked about in The Defective Doll .. We visited my sister in law, who had a baby. I was excited because I like to help and be there for others. But when we went, she was her usual, over-compensating self. I noticed how she thought others needed to be catered to, and enjoyed filling her role of only listening and not talking too much about herself. It drained me, because I felt her low energy. I tried being there for her as much as I could, but then she said, "Thanks you really helped me." And it all felt like she didn't feel worthy of it and felt the need to praise me. I stumbled that it was my pleasure, and felt her image of me suddenly as a people pleaser as well. I rushed out without offering any more.

It was a pretty good day today, getting up and doing and preparing for the holiday. I was ecstatic to be out with my daughter and do the shopping with her willingness to join. I ate some fruit and she even joined in for the yogurt too. She sat in her carriage and helped buckle it as usual. It's her thing that she does. Went out and met a new friend who wore a scarf on her head like me! We exchange encouragement and conversation about why we started it, and she seemed interesting. She was so kind and open, like most people who decide to live according to their soul more. She saw me for who I was more, and I asked her how she managed to live in a neighborhood so judgemental to people who stood out. She said she felt it was her purpose to help. I was baffled but wished her luck. She gave me her number to talk more. I was high as a kite. Went to the store, bought some organic things, planned my menu. Headed home, and when my daughter didn't listen to leave I listened to her. She a

This morning after a tiring night, I had revelations about myself that I am not so bad after all, and many people look up to me. I was so happy that I stayed up and got a bit sick from lack of enough sleep and my drama last night. I cried yesterday from the fear that I was not doing enough for her, and that she was hurting from me not being there for her. The self hate was overwhelming, and I said my affirmations but they made me sadder instead of safer. Today was a great day compared. I looked out for her and actually ran my day around her feelings. So I realized that she needed that and it made her feel good about herself, to know that she had a say. I think she feels too controlled sometimes when I force her to go out and walk with me, so she refuses to listen. She is at the age... So I made sure she chose to go out, and checked with her when we stopped in the street. She was delighted to walk around with me in the store, and held my hand a lot. She loves people and watching.

Been going through hell. Didn't know which way was up and which down. My daughter was frustrating me by her mess making and I blew up at her. Then at myself. Tried saying the affirmations but they made me cry because of how far I felt from them. Kept judging myself. Saying when am I gonna get up. Feel like it's fake though to be happy. Angry that my husband can't see my pain and withers away from me emotionally when I am down, scared of me. Feel so disconnected. And judge myself at how I feel about my daughter. Feels good to get this off my chest. Like how Ollie Mathews says he struggles with self-esteem after his parents drilled into him how worthless he is. But the way to get over it is by exposure- the narcissists don't want that and they hate the truth. They hate seeing you happy. It's the same for me- I feel like the whole world wants to see me fall. Hates my emotional weakness, thinks it's all made up. I think of my situation, my primal wound, and it'

I'm walking down the street sad and depressed. I am blaming myself and angry at my unproductivity. My daughter is in her carriage in this heat, where she will stay for the next hour as I walk on errands. I am angry at society for making it so. For making it impossible for kids to be their natural selves. Instead having to be cooped up and managed like slaves. I am angry at my people that they are so blind to their destructive behaviors, and go around thinking they are righteous and G-d will take care of everything. Blind to the sins they cause in their wake, by being selfish and ignoring their kids. By being proud and running after honor all in the name of perfection. Staying in their own four corners and hiding the truth from the world, but claiming to have it. The truth is, that we are all important and need to help one another. Lift each other up the way we lift up ourselves spiritually and emotionally. But I guess they don't. I can't look at them, and I feel tears prick

I was with my daughter on the way from the park after a long day and she was due for a nap and she was refusing to budge, throwing tantrums when I told her anything. I was exhausted and not interested in waiting, so I sat down and read the affirmation from Joe Soll that said, Nothing bad is happening even though it feels like it, we are going to be okay. He told me to repeat it at least 60 times a day in few hour intervals. I honestly felt like my life was over and I realized it was because of feeling stuck in not getting my way. I did not scream at her and saw that she was innocent. I remembered Teal Swan saying how babies need to see that they are understood and their feelings matter to their parents, or else they feel alone and not able to be themselves. I tried, and told her softly that I saw her pain. And each time I did, she relaxed and came to me for food or a hug. But she still wanted to play, so I figured I'd get comfortable and let her. Until someone bothered us, but they

I see how I became so much less stuck in my pain over the past 2 years through the pictures looking back. I used to be over focused on my looks and appearance, thinking it was the main importance to my life over my emotions. Now I am less interested in it, and I think it correlates to how I no longer put precedence of what other people think and see myself for more of who I am. My emotional pain came more to the surface, so I respect myself more and what I went through is more real to me... I also no longer live with the amount of anxiety that I used to. Over how other people saw me, over how I controlled my emotions. I have it more under control. This is important because it gives me more focus and energy towards happiness and inner confidence. I still have a long way but at least I don't beat myself up as much when I feel upset. I can also see others more objectively because I am less judging of them too. I also spend less energy on things that do not help me, such as not wanti

Lisa Romano said in her video, #1 Thing to AVOID when talking to a NARCISSIST or NEGATIVE Person , that rational people think that everyone else is rational thinking too, and do not realize that there exists people who want to take their energy by having an agenda. These narcissistic or negative people are like a black hole, she says, and the worst thing you can do is try to get them to see your opinion because they are OUT to only have their side heard. I have encountered such people, and it feels like talking to a brick wall. They are selfish and think the world revolves around them. People who are rational are those who are living to lift the world up, and taking responsibility for generating their own energy. Because we each have a certain amount of energy we can generate each day, it would be useless to spend it on people who do not care about what you have to say, she says. She said the more you pay attention to your feelings, the more you will know who is not there for you and w

Teal Swan blew my mind with her synchronization workshop about shame. A woman came up and said how her parents constantly shamed her and made her feel worthless if she didn't work and be productive. Teal said that was the problem of the collective, and it was the reason for her biggest monster. The girl had deep shame for being the way she was, because her parents always put her down for play when she was little so her conscious split in two - fragmented- to what her parents thought and her own feeling of wanting to live. This is what happens when parents shame a child and love them only when they are doing. This is the world's problem not feeling good enough. Therefore everyone is in a rat race to produce. When ever they give in to resting they have guilt because they feel unworthy of doing what they want. When there is resistance, they fight with themselves. It was funny how the girl was "talking" to Teal who represented her fragmented part of what she wanted, and s

I saw how my daughter was happier and more connected to me when I made up a song about changing her diaper even though she was not letting me do it, and suddenly she was open. It made me think that it really helps to get on people's level and understand them in order to have them participate with you. When people feel loved they will want to be loving. When I don't feel loving, I don't believe that she will be willing to listen to me either. Therefore it is all how I see myself and then her.

The thing is, we judge ourselves and so think others are judging us. When we see ourselves as one dimensional, unrealistically. I was thinking of how I dress religiously and cover myself more than most, and although I try not to look ugly, I see that many people stare at me with shock. Like, I am some sort of priestess who has no emotions and desires of my own. It can really get to me and make me feel it's true and then idealize myself. I know it is not, and I wish they would see that I am normal and have desires like them. I wonder why all of society thinks that if women don't dress provocative they are not sexy or cannot be. I think it is so twisted, because what you see is not exactly what exists always. If I dress modestly it does not mean I don't have a body and never act sexual. I think it scares men and women who don't trust that humans can only have sex with one person. They want it all. It hurts me because I want to connect with people and I can't if they t

Kids just want their feelings heard. I was traumatized in the park today when meeting my husband for lunch. There was a child there my daughter's age, and her mother was just being mean to her and telling her "that is not how you do it!" When she was trying to do the monkey bars. I see it everywhere, how kids are just bullied and bossed around by their elders in the name of "respect your elders." Really, it is just an excuse for parents to stay in their childhood mind set of getting their way with "tantrums" of not getting respect. The way the woman yelled at her girl, "Look at Mommy and walk forward!" Was pure abuse. The child was staring away because she was probably disassociated in order to keep her sense of dignity. It is a prison to be in such parent's custody. They don't realize that the way they are acting is out of anger and triggers, and are hurting their children. There is no justification for it, we need to see our kids em

People are scared of what they do not want to face. That's why people do not want to face adoption as trauma, for example. But once they can face it they no longer feel such aversion to it. I saw this in Joe Soll's book, Braverman, when he said towards the end that he was scared of facing children with Cerebral Palsy because he did not want to imagine it happening to him. I used to feel disgusted when I heard about Michael Jackson, that he was a pedophile. I watched an interview with him and read his biography a bit, and felt extreme disgust at how he could be so cold and inhuman. I didn't realize that I was repelled by the idea that someone is a situation traumatic comparatively to my own, could act on impulses that way. I felt horrid. Today, when I was disassociating from facing my daughter because of her anxieties and not falling asleep, I watched a documentary about Michael Jackson. I learned about his childhood and how he was a prodigy child and his mother was a devou

I guess I have been following my subconscious belief system of being disconnected from others recently. I came across Amanda Flaker's video, Empaths Activate Your Desires before. And she spoke about being aware that your creative side is hampered by guilt, and passion hampered by it's counterpoint shame. Also, empaths need to know that their loving and vulnerability helps the planet now. If only we had physical proof of that... Because I really feel helpless sometimes. Like with my daughter today. I got stuck in a rut of feeling like she'll never feel loved because my husband and I were not in "love"... But love needs to be born out of responsibility for one another. It's not easy to see. Joe Soll's book made me see how loving and attuned people can really be. How he and his friends truly were there for each other, and how he was able to call out when people took advantage of him. He was strong. And how he knew he needed a therapist to cry to a few days

Read a bit of Joe Soll's book about his autobiography and being adopted. He truly had extreme and turbulent younger years but was not aware or did not want to acknowledge adoption at all for most of them. He always came back to the theme of being abandoned and having inability to attach healthily to women. Going through one affair after another. It made my heart hurt to see how many women did not stay with him for long, and how he had no idea what was wrong with him. Meanwhile, he was having so much success in the business world and extravagant vacations and friends. It really did not sound like me, but opened me up to the possibility that I was not exploring my fun side enough and too uptight about being perfect NOW. Like the advice I got from my Rabbi, focus on my mental health. It's good that I scratched the surface of my pain, but I run by trying to fix everything now. I know it is an adoptee defense mechanism, and it was holding me back from seeing beauty in my life. Altho

I have seen that it really is a miracle that I am able to be so loving to attentive to my daughter. I stared at the picture of my great great grandmother, one of the only things I have of my actual family, and know how much I missed them. I needed them. And I survived on my own. I was down today, and it took all day to finally allow myself to feel it. I am so used to pushing away and criticizing my feelings, because nobody ever validated them... So no matter how much I think I have what I need, and a handful of people who truly told me they get my pain, the limbic brain withers away at the slightest panic. Today I panicked because of someone blocking me on social media, when I thought I had such a clever remark to them. I came apart in shambles and lost my foundation. I questioned my faith. I kept picking myself up, with evidence of my stance, but still I fell. So I had to look at pictures and try to do chair work with the people I needed to. I tried. I bawled and begged. I felt lots

People are all parts of one another. I was thinking about it as I walked down the street on this beautiful day. If only I had more friends... But then I realized that being alone sure helped me process my thoughts and have a clearer mind of what I want, which I so need after all my years of being controlled by what others thought. I am free and unshackled to be myself. I enjoy my own company, thinking about the future and how I hope to raise my daughter in a way that she will be proud and pleased with me. I have a choice of who to befriend. I have a choice of who to give my attention to, and for what. I try to see the good in people. This one may dress too stylishly, or seem ignorant about her bad actions, but then again she is human and at least she is trying to live productively. I look away and shoot worrying looks at the crying infants, hoping that at least my interest in them can help them in their growing emotional awareness. It brings me sadness and I think of how I can make a

Went out to the Library with my girl. I noticed her playing with other kids when I wasn't watching. She tried to get to know them and handed them a teddy bear for the other little one to give one back. They traded back and forth for a while and she said, "Hug." It was cute to see her moving from being only attached to me. Maybe this is what I needed to do- let her be herself. I feel constrained when I play with her all the time. I busied myself looking for a book. Ironically I found one about moving and it's perfect to prepare her for our move so I will take it. Now I know why I am so stressed out when we go to the library- because I constrict myself to her level and try to play with her but honestly she needs to see that she can play with other people- her age. Additionally, I noted something interesting as I was again reluctant to return the book we had had for 2 weeks. I was worrying that she would feel sad that it was no longer with us, and have separation anxiet

I had enough and wondered if this will ever end. I realized that I had been holding onto the illusion that all will be good with my daughter, but it wouldn't if I kept this up. The way she keeps running to me for hug and kiss... Even when I push her away. Yesterday I had freak attack and hated everyone. I sunk so deep and had no hope. I lashed out at people in anger. Such as the woman who thought it entitled to use my daughter's toy just cuz we left it out. I snarled at her to ask next time and she just said okay dubiously and it angered me more. Don't they see me that I am in pain? They just don't seem to care. Two of them ignored their screaming babies in the street, just walking casually. So why did I have to be perfect? So I wasn't. And I yelled at her to leave me alone. And she shrieked and kept coming back. Angering me more. No one was there for me. It started when she wouldn't take off her shirt when she had to two nights ago. Then she didn't sleep