Adopted

On the way back from disastrous time at my inlaws, we were having tons of traffic and my husband was low key annoyed that we stopped in Costco and it took so long because they didn't accept MasterCards and we had to wait in line again... So he started freaking out a bit. I was kind of numb and tired so I couldn't take it. I told him to stop or I was getting out when he didn't listen. He was cursing away. I felt trapped and hated him. I told him he was going over my boundaries and I had to get out of the car. He didn't like that and locked the doors. I started crying and felt like I was choking. It was definitively a left over cry from the past that I didn't get to do. He started calming down. We discussed his anger and I told him it was not usual. He said it was because of all the times they didn't let him be angry and they didn't know how to control anger so he didn't have a way to soothe himself. He said I should tell him it was okay when I see he is

Recovering from the weekend- stay at my in-laws. I am furious at them for who they are. It made me feel bashed and discarded even though they are always so nice to me on the outside. They really just hate themselves so they can't bring themselves to see others. It causes them to project all their anger at others. Like I saw my father in law staring at me while I ate and I had this icky feeling that he was blaming me for all his problems. All because I wanted some space from them. Interestingly, my mother inlaw thanked me for coming and it was like she knew how much I sacrificed to come. That was true. My sister inlaw that's single ignored me like a poisonous snake, ready to snap if she even looked at me. Her false high pitch voice showed how fake she was being when she said sugary well wishes to me. The scary thing was I don't think she was aware of her feelings herself. She was so used to having to make others happy that she resented everyone. I felt there the pain and di

It hit me this morning when watching Onision video called Emo the Prep Transformation. .. That people who are "emo" are really just trying to express a side of them that was never validated by their parents, pain. This goes for all people who are very verbal or expressive about certain things. The more one lacks, the more they go out of their way to fulfill that lack. Of course, adoptees who lack feeling of true connection to others will go out of their way to make sure they get it. Unless they are living unconsciously and are not aware of their painful feelings. Then, they would just keep pretending that everything is fine. With me, whenever I am around unhealthy people emotionally, I get stricken and am triggered by them because I am so used to needing to please others for validation or sense of worth. As I grow and learn how to love myself, I find it harder and harder to be around such people because it is harder to feel good about myself. I cannot get validation or expre

I got frustrated after being in all afternoon waiting for my daughter to nap so we can go to Costco later before closing, and I remembered what Joe Soll said about my child self needing to be heard. And so I was ignoring it and causing it to be upset. I did not feel I had the right to want to go so badly.. I wanted some healthy foods that I felt were extra and not important enough to need. I was upset about not having them though. And then I remembered that I had already bought organic eggs in a grocery, even though it was way more expensive. But I still wanted the cashews and chia seeds. I sighed and felt stupid with myself. And as usual I had no one to talk to that I feel comfortable with. So I forced myself to relax and let her relax. She was a bit hyper and so I closed my eyes and waited. Finally I got impatient and thought to wait a while and bake until she was extra tired. I baked some gluten free banana cake and she actually came and helped me mix it. I told her, I love you an

Learning boundaries. I can't force my mother to change, nor my husband. I have to know they are their own person and on their path. It sucks when I feel misunderstood but it is not their fault they don't have my knowledge and brain. Slowly I can get them to see me but only by having strong boundaries and loving myself. Being strong. It is hard to think I have to change everyone. I tell myself I am not, that it is for the right reasons- they are ignorant, they don't understand... But in reality it is because I do not accept their ways of being. This will definitely not make them want to listen to me. Note. If I were more confident in myself I would not need to be soo pushy and hurt by other's mindsets. I would see them as their own people. Since I take it to heart, I see them as defective dolls, and not people of their own. I have a right to love myself and be who I am. Not need their acceptance.

I am at a point where I feel confident in myself. I feel like no one can mess with me and my inner child, we are a team force. Lol. I am so done with all the fakeness and lies in my life. Done with pretending to care to protect other people. The fact is that I have been through hell and deserve to be treated right. My adoptive mom is a joke now with all her excuses I can't even begin to say... I told her about how I repressed myself due to how I was treated as a kid. How I was ashamed of my own femininity. And how if a mother does not love herself she will not be able to love her child- evident in how she used to beat me whenever she got mad. Her answer was; I am human what can I say. It infuriated me and my inner child. I told her off. I could not be so objective and calm. She is a broken adult and does not eve see it. It makes me feel like I'm the crazy one. Get this. She told me that my adoptive cousin, her niece, was hurt and bothered by my behavior because I seemed to no

When mothers are not happy themselves they can't make their children happy. They Feel shame and project it onto their kids. Like my mother projected onto me that I wouldn't be able to handle adoption issues as a kid. Because she couldn't imagine it. But as I told her, that is denying reality. The reality that I was adopted and not happy in the first place. The funny thing was, when I told her I am happier than she is, she nodded and agreed. I said isn't that weird because I am supposedly the worst off one because of being adopted. (Like she thought- a child cannot handle that thought.) She thought for a second and said, well I don't think you're happier... You seem down all the time.. I answered- No, I am happier. Because I face my truth. She nodded like a child. I think she is a sociopath because she is in such denial. Of her issues. She kept twisting it around and saying she was happy and perfect. That she wasn't perfect. That she can't help how she

I know why we repress our true selves and try to be like our opposite gender. It comes from shame in childhood, learning that who you are; your core self is shameful. This was why I hated being seen as weak or too feminine, because I thought feelings were atrocious because of how I felt when I had them. So I though outwardly everyone wanted me to be the opposite of that- masculine and "cool." Meanwhile my true self was in exile. I am female and much better at being that. Lol. I was watching a Youtube video by Luxx Health where she was talking about femininity and energy. I loved it because it was so resonating with my own feelings. That feminine energy is playful, fun, creative, and sensual. I am all those things. And I see more and more that it is great to be myself and I don't get bothered by those who shame me. In addition, I see how masculine people who learned they were shameful also try to be feminine to cover up theo true selves. Such as my husband. They think th

Being codependent with your child is what causes narcissism in them. Because they think they have to please you because you are not voicing or taking care of your own needs. This is why it is so important for mothers to know their needs and meet them. So that they do not leave it on the child to fill. Either covertly or overtly. This is what happened to my husband and I growing up, where our mothers could not meet their needs because of guilt, and self-negation, so they took out their frustration on us. We all felt their endless pit of sorrow at this and neediness, and it caused us to feel like our role was to save them. Therefore, we do not know how to please ourselves and continue doing this with our current relationships.

Was walking home from the park and realized after making my new friend, a Jewish woman who was actually kind and normal, that I don't usually notice how my self image affects how others see me. Talking to others makes me become more self aware. Because I see how I react and it is a mirror. Sometimes I can shy away and be insecure, but I learned not to because I accept myself. I am proud of how far I have come. I am lucky to have been adopted because now I can accept my pain and feeling totally disconnected from humanity. And I work on connecting. She understood when I told her about adoptee pain. She even knew my birth sister, having living in her city!! 12 hours away from me. How crazy is that. She said it makes sense that adoptees feel disconnected. She said my sister is stuck up after I egged her about it. Because she taught at the same school. I was happy to hear that I wasn't the only one who thought that. We have commonality. I realized that being adopted for me comes a

Yea it's true that I've not been myself the past couple days. Fee sluggish and tired. From the no eating grains or processed sugar or coffee. Spoke to Joe Soll today and he said I am clearly not happy. In my marriage for sure. He said from what I tell him he can see. My husband does not support me emotionally. He uses me as a crutch. He doesn't compliment me. He doesn't encourage me. Heck he barely talks to me. He is always so tired. I am angry and resentful. He said marriage is not supposed to be this. I don't have to stay. He is a grown up, should act like one not a child. I told him how he rages at others in front of our daughter. He said it is abuse and affects her. I agreed. She is better off without parents who are together but don't respect each other. I sighed and felt like crying. With sadness but relief. Someone told me I don't have to take this. I have felt trapped before. I was angry and bitter. I told my husband. He said he tries and is bad wit

I don't know exactly what got into me today... I felt angry all day. I became obsessed with my new food diet of no grains and no coffee, and it may be it. I am also really angry at my community and family, at how they serve the processed food like it was great and okay. How loving my daughter the right way here was so a foreign concept and I did not have any support. I am also wondering about how I always seem to be pushed to do do do and write as if my life depended on it, but was getting no support or help in return...so what kept my fire on? I have no idea, I am really a lone wolf in the forest. I have no idea why I try so hard. I guess I need to give myself a break. All day I was criticizing my inability to be happy without food or things. Like money unavailable, and my daughter being repressed in the stroller and not saying anything about it. I feel like an evil monster. And I tried listening to Ralph Smart video about not being so hard on myself, and it was near impossible t

I can't run anymore. The pain eats away at me. I can't even keep a straight face in the grocery store, when the cashier makes a sarcastic remark when I asked if the food was really that price because I had expected it more. "It is this full price it can't get cheaper.." And my hurt was thudded. I muttered something and gave him my credit card, but my spirit had broken. After all that I had done today, taking my daughter out of the stroller because she seemed like she was being constrained and when I asked her if she was okay she started squirming and then choked out, "Open it." So I let her out,  and it was like she was free as she flew down the street with me, running like she forgot she had legs. And she searched for other kids to play with, and they balked at her and protectively held their younger siblings hand tighter. I sighed and was in shock to realize that this was what society pushed. And her feelings of pain for being strapped in the stroller

Just need to get this out. I went to past a visit where my mother and her sister's are mourning, in shiva, for their father's death. All her religious strict cousins are there, and my aunts are lapping up the attention. My mother is kind of stoic, and is proud of me. I am quiet and watching all the others. I see that when I am not focused on my agenda, I can observe others very objectively. I still sense lots of animosity in my feelings towards them, for my entire gas lighting childhood of not truly being one of them and their blatant ignoring and wishing to pretend it not so outwardly. But they knew it was there, because when I mention it through why I don't feel worthy of buying myself expensive clothes which my mother is showing off about, and say that it is only because I never felt worthy of life being adopted and always given everything, one even said: "Aw you are worthy we are all children of G-d." Just totally ignoring my implication in it- That I am adopt

I realized today that when we have strong confidence in our stance, people listen to us. Such as my daughter... Since I do not trust my ability to comfort her, because I fear the worst due to the incidences that happened during our outings, she strays away and doesn't trust me. My husband was confident when he sat in the back with her, and she stayed in the car seat because he was not distracted with her and focused on other things. Occasionally, I reminded him to answer her because I was driving and could not help her. But he never opened her seat belt and she did not seem to doubt his love for her. I guess I can be too giving in to her sometimes, when I am stressed out. She sang the words I sang happily, effortlessly, and I marvelled at her natural comfort /happiness. Since I do not believe in my ability to comfort her because I am scared she is too overwhelmed, I cannot get her to listen at times. After a full day of being out in the heat with not much structure, because my hu

The thing was I didn't want her to disconnect from herself. As long as she knew I loved her no matter what, she would not have to become and split off from a part of herself inside. The way I did. I pumped myself up so much today thinking that she was so much better than the average baby her age, because she is uninhibited in her expression... Like she expresses pure joy and pure hurt regularly. And is generally a non fearful child. But alas she does space out sometimes. Like when we are out in the street and she follows along, uninterested. And she gets spaced out. Or when she refuses to hug me and screams Oy when I hold her close. Or when she cannot make eye contact at night and needs me to be busy in order to fall sleep. And of course, when she yells painfully when I tell her I love her and try to ask her how she feels. And when she can't seem to calm down and yells repeatedly the same word. It shows some repression... And Teal Swan spoke about it tonight in The Anatomy of

I was thinking about femininity and masculinity recently. How we repressed one another throughout history... And I listened to Teal Swan about it in het video Nice Guys Come in Last . It is interesting to me... I do see how men who are repressing their leading, go-getter ways are not attractive at all to women, because women need someone to lead while they are receivers. It sounds ugly to me, but only because I repress my own need to get what I need.. I am definitely female lol. It does turn me off when someone expects me to lead. She said women were repressed in history by men, so they took revenge on their sons and made them compliant, fearful and unconfident in being themselves. I watched my daughter and I definitely see how she waits for instructions and likes to have things her way, but also have compassion for other humans. It makes me proud of her femininity and how she is learning from my example. Women are definitely more compassionate and nurturing by nature. It is ugly whe

Pride comes before a fall. I thought I was being a superstar house woman today lol. And I was eating healthy and not much. I cleaned my house well and went out to get some last minute food for preparations and a coffee. I enjoyed the sun with my daughter, and was happy that she went into the stroller when she saw other babies in theirs. I was thinking about how desires are human, and it is not about repressing them but utilizing them to ... Serve G-d I guess. So I happily told my husband and was proud of myself for cooking good and healthy food for us to enjoy. When it was so rare to actually eat healthy these days. All the while my daughter was kinda bored and tired, following me around trying to help. I felt guilty for not focusing enough on her. When it came to her nap, and I had eaten minimally and done as much work as I could, I was desperate for her to fall asleep. Of course, she did not want to because of my ignoring her mood out of my nervousness. At first, I tried being prese

I'm tailspinning. I am losing myself. I need to calm down. Can it be that I really did have a hard family life with the adoptive family? Am I allowed to have a hard time developing a healthy family of my own? Is that where my anger issues and problems doing work come from? Do I overwork myself with writing this thing because I am a perfectionist and it is actually self abuse? Because sometimes I do not let myself breathe and process my emotions. And instead run from them until I dramatize the whole situation. Anne Heffron talked about how adoptees can become enveloped in each little emotion that comes their way because they are soo sensitive to everything. All because of their abandonment from their real mother as a baby. It's not fear that that is not credited enough. That I have to not believe my own trauma feelings. And my cousin even said to me that she can't imagine the feeling I have as an adoptee. Meaning that it is too gruesome to even imagine. So maybe I am NOT b

Interesting. Being religious is not easy and it comes from really wanting to follow truth. It comes after a person witnessed G-d in his life and feels compelled to acknowledge Him. Usually people do not want to admit Him, because it takes away their personal freedom and makes them feel lower. I used to feel that way. Still do sometimes. This I heard from Rabbi Mizarchi on the lecture Can You Change Your Future . I do feel that being religious is a struggle but a worthy one. It gives me satisfaction and pleasure to know I am doing the right thing. It is a constant struggle to do the right thing. I hope I never stop trying. That would mean spiritual death. I was thinking that when people want to follow their personal truths they feel exempt from wanting to admit there is a G-d with instructions. Such as certain spiritual teachers out there. They feel they can pick and chose what they deem is right for them at the time based on their personal emotions. While this is okay to some degree,

The funny thing is all the relatives come running together when a funeral happens. Even though they are not close. It is all in the sake of guilt and Mommy -Daddy love. But they never truly felt loved. So they grasp at straws, not realizing that it is not there. It is a codependency thing, from being raised that way. To be a pawn for their needy parents. And they show it to their own kids, always letting themselves fly with their emotions. Hysterical crying, huge drama letups, screaming about silly things their kids do... It is so childish. My older cousin boasted and blew up about how her kids tried to make her feel better the morning after she had been sobbing over her grandfather's death, so they made her a breakfast and wrote in the card, "(Grandfather) he died, do not cry. Have a good day." Maybe I am paranoid, but it felt to me like the kids were playing the role of parenting their parent. Because they needed to grow up quickly. You always find a hollowness in their

I am angry and drained. Was an awful morning that I was running from facing. I told myself I'd eat no grains today and it was hard I munched on kale for lunch and caved and ate some disgusting whipped cream while making some homemade ice cream. My throat feels rusty and stomach not too good either. Anger is a common theme today. At the disconnect and repression I witnessed in my adoptive family. I think I have a right to not call them family. I certainly do not want to be part of them. They take it to heart and get mad, blocking me further because of their hurt. I felt it. Or was it always there, and I was always used to feeling like I had to force myself in like a mismatched shape peg? So, grandfather, mother's father, died last evening. I cried alone, from disbelief. Tragic that an old man died. Someone close to the people who raised me. Hate me, but hey I honestly am open to admitting that he is not my blood. Nor did he work on bridging the gap. He just treated me like a fa

My grandfather died. I don't know what to do. I am tired and shocked. My mother didn't cry. I am sad. I cried. I miss having him. I feel bad for my bad thoughts of resentment. I feel guilt for not being good for him. But it is not in my hands to have fixed people. We are all responsible for ourselves. I cried surprisingly. I guess I did feel close to him. What is life? Just another lifetime till death. Can we live with purpose? I feel drained. I need sleep. Poor daughter witnessing my reaction.

As long as we have an open mind to truth we can still be growing. I am learning about vaccinations being bad for our kids, and the paleo diet. I feel truth there and am happy to learn it. I don't want to be unhealthy inside even when it doesn't show up outside. It can manifest in diseases later on G-d forbid.  No way am I perfect but I feel loads of pressure to be. I relax knowing that I am not and have lots to fix. Learning boundaries. Am angry at my in-laws now because they will not help us out with rent cosigning that we need for our new home unless we let them see their granddaughter more. I see now how selfish they are and below consciousness. No matter what I tell them they do not see their fault and hide behind the need to listen to your parents. I feel if I take their help with this attitude I will be stuck with their influence. Which I definitely don't want. I lectured someone on YouTube about adoption trauma and they dragged me down and minimized me. Even laughi

This is mainly an emotional blog about my feelings of being adopted and uncovering them more. I want to be more real to myself and not have to feel insufficient all the time. It takes time and as I heard Rabbi Mizrachi say, you are never done in spirituality and every day you are constantly looking at what needs to be fixed. Never feel greater than others, or think you'll never be as great as them. It is always about "How can I become better." I guess since I started uncovering my feelings about adoption and its' stem, I started to think that maybe it was possible for me to actually become a better person. I am more open to my mistakes. As John Bradshaw says, Shame-based people create rigid and fearful atmospheres because they are so scared of being seen as "bad" in any way. I want to change my world and how we see life. I want vulnerability to be more accessible and not terrifying. What scares us is the not knowing what will happen if things are uncertain.

I was listening to John Bradshaw Healing the Shame That Binds You part 6, and he said that when we are shame based we keep trying to hide the shame by doing more and more to appear better than it. But we either hide it by becoming a Gd like and non human, or sub human and less than by becoming low level like druggies or prostitute. He said he was a preacher about intimacy because he didn't have it and felt better preaching because it is easier.  But people who are higher up and in power feel good to yell at others, thus making them carry their shame. I noticed that people higher up like my parents, teachers and principals and adults I knew all did this. Now I see how small and childlike they are inside. Because if you are unaware of it, you can't fix it. Families like that cannot have fun and laughter because they rely on strictness to cover up their mistakes. Because if the parents are shame based, they can never be seen as wrong so the child always takes the brunt of the bl

Am in a weird mood. Emotional. The way my daughter is growing makes me proud. How she brought me a tissue yesterday when I asked her to bring one. How she remembered the names of different objects. How she seemed to truly get upset when I didn't let her out of her stroller, that she walked the other way. When right before that she was in a good, cooperative mood. How she seems to fall asleep instantly when I shut off all my worrying and stress, despite any struggle during the day. But when I am tense inside she always feels it and it shows up. I am sad because I realize that she loves me and is growing up to become her own person. I am proud of her. And... I love her. I get emotional over love because it was never really there when I was a kid. Am trying to remember my history, because it popped up in my head today as I lay down next to her trying to drift off to sleep. We have a big day tomorrow, traveling early in the morning to look into moving somewhere. I did positive affirma

I was seeing that kids need to be made to feel normal, not above or below who they are. That is why we need to treat kids according to their age and ability. It seems so simple and easy to do. But it is hard when we have our own inferior projections. What happens when we shame or hurt our kid by not honoring their intelligence, is that they become wounded. They begin to have to create a false sense of grandiosity to survive psychologically. And this is where narcissism develops. They will continue throughout their lives in this stage, trying to survive and meet their unmet needs. That is until they wake up from what went wrong. Ross Rosenberg said in What is Self Love Abundance... That when people are codependent, they have amnesia from their trauma in childhood that their brain tells them they cannot face, and what's left in the emotional flashbacks. In therapy, they should explore these flashbacks and slowly gain back the memories of what happened. This can heal them. I have b

Daughter was jumping on bed last night from 1 a.m. till 2. I am happy that she picked up from me to exercise, but this side of her I never saw. She pulled me up again and again, using my command of, "Come. Stand up, jump!!" and, "Hold my hand." I laughed because she must have been overtired, but I was too tired to want to jump so much. I did it and it was actually fun. I wondered how long she would take to release her tense feelings. Tried recounting the day to see why, and remembered how we yelled at her not to touch the dirty paint bins on the floor of the house for rent we were seeing. And how tired she was from not being able to nap, and us eating in a pizza store with her falling off her chair clumsily. And I was annoyed. Now I pay, and have to deal with her pent up emotions. Marion Rose's Website about kid's sleeping, said that just as adults distract from painful emotions with wine or Internet, so do kids if they are not listened to. I put down my ph

I had the time of my life with my toddler today. Just being present and loving every minute with her. I saw things through her eyes and enjoyed making her happy. This is true love. I know that nothing she could do would make me not like her. We went to the park, And there was a woman there with her 2 year old girl on the swing. My daughter make contact and wanted to sit near her. The woman's first red flag was that she lied to her friend on the phone, that she couldn't hear her well and wanted to go, when I started talking politely back to her about our girls. She could have just said she wanted to talk to someone there... And also, she said plurally that there were other kids here, when it was just my daughter. But I decided to be friendly, because we need human contact. She was very needy I saw by how she began totally enmeshing with my life by agreeing or disagreeing with me. I tried to stay objective. When I saw her being helicopter-like with her daughter, and her daughte

People who are stuck in ego developmental stage, such as lovability - trust vs. Mistrust, cannot be expected to work on giving to others until they understand themselves. I used to be stuck in this, and be terrified of the thought of Gd ruling over us and that I had to nullify my needs... Because I had no sense of self in the first place. I guess the people I met over the weekend, the two sisters and brother, were all ego- underdeveloped and therefore did not understand true empathy. And were all about themselves that they did not known how to see others as separate people. They got triggered at any sense of rejection, so had to fake it to others. To avoid rejection. I was triggered because it reminded me of my own neediness for other's approval, and how I was breaking away from it. I see my daughter as a separate person, that even if she doesn't do what I say I do not blame her, because she is a human with her own feelings and needs. Needs of autonomy. I can take that over h

I did not know how I would go back to myself after that weekend. I was confused and sad about myself and motives. I read there in The Ethics of Fathers, reading 3 chapters to make up my soul drain, and it comforted me, how it said how you can not trust yourself till the day you die. And it is better to not have been born because of the sins you can get caught into. And how every action you do is rewarded and taken into account, you will know it when you die. And how one good deed leads to another, and a bad leads to a bad. And how having a good heart is the best trait, as it encompasses all the others the sages mentioned. And how a smart person stays quiet, in the company of others, and listens before speaking. And he does not think he knows everything. Also said that it your action receeds your wisdom, the wisdom will endure. But also vice versa. It all helped me sort out that there is indeed a purpose for people and that there is purpose in following the truth. I already saw how luc

I am still reeling from the weekend. Trying to move out of here, so we decided to check out a town nearby so that my husband can still travel to his job near here. But the people we stayed by... Reminiscent of my a family. The same situation; people who expect others to make them feel good about themselves, unaware of themselves, childish parents with children who are forced to grow up at age 7-8 in order not to get scorched by their parents. The parents screaming at them and accusing them of every mistake or kiddyish thing they do- such as wanting to play while eating, or not putting on their clothing.... I realize that it seems typical, but since I had the same upbringing and felt so hurt all the time, it felt hellish to me. And I saw in the kids distrust of me and frozen faces, speaking as if in script to my question, that they were deeply wounded. I got caught in talking to the girl, who incidentally had my name! And I was thrown into her mood and felt her age and being put down ag