Adopted

Through rigid rules and regiments, we cannot be creative and have childlike love and love. These past few days I have been trying to have a schedule of some sort, to control my life because I feel so out of control. Unfortunately, this included trying to force my daughter to conform to it, and getting extra annoyed with her when she could not comply. I got angry when she didn't sleep last night, when she felt my bubbling feelings under the surface and was just acting them out. But I did not want to see them, because I was in too much pain. Of feeling out of control of things. I lost the point of life- love. This morning too, after she woke up too early and I had my session, which was very good and validating for me, I took her to go out because I needed structure. The problem was I had where to go, to put my energy into. So I bought a cake for someone we would stay by this weekend while checking out a suburban community. And then I came home, and impatience and annoyance started b

Yesterday, I thought my daughter would sleep well because she only napped for about 1.5 hours, and it was a later nap too because thinking about things I needed to do prevented her from relaxing. And then I got emotional and hurt and stayed on my bed helplessly. I really hate it here I feel like the energy is frozen and foggy. My husband feels the same way, and I tell him to stop sucking up my energy and leave me alone. I just needed my space. He went for a walk, and it was a relief. After her nap at night I usually get this restless depressive feeling here. Like I want to do something but am too stuck to and I hate our night schedule, because she only falls asleep when I am calm too. And I keep feeling like I messed up and should have been more productive during the day... So I need to escape often and stay on my phone. Or I bake like a crazy woman. And she runs around trying to participate and talks to herself like the little Hungarian she is lol. "Have some!! Hold this!!"

Yes, I know I over explain... This is part why I am so scared to share this blog with anyone. I am scared of rejection. I feel crazy as is, and if people say so it feels too scary. I'd rather be safely anonymous for now.

Today was hellish trying to hold onto myself, but I managed and learned a lot of life lessons. About myself, I learned that it's okay to not have all the encouragement needed from others, because it helps me face it myself and validate my pain inside, thus feeling fully there for myself. Which is the best feeling in the world. Because I know how hard it was for me, and I overcame it myself. I also learned that my daughter... Always believes in my love and it is such a powerful feeling. And need for her. It awes me every time I see it, how much I impact her. It makes me feel worthy of having my own needs of having my love from my parents validated. But this is only because I face the feeling. I imagine that mothers who do not think their children need their love cannot trust the bond and that is where the abuse cuts. I know that many parents are like that, sadly. I am just lucky to know it's truth, and feel our bond daily. Sometimes, though it takes all day for me to believe i

Feeling like a fake. I woke up yesterday and had revelations about myself that I was not truly living in my body. That I only acted out of what I thought I was. I live my life that way so much that I am used to it. Adoption has done that to me. Now I don't know who I am. I realized that I don't always make my own decisions, that I am not chosing everything, that I am a victim and living under safety of following the society's expectations of me. That is what happens to us adoptees, when we are raised specifically to fulfill our adopters' wishes. We don't own our actual persons, and always feel indebt to them for giving to us. Our emotions are not even our own, and we have to cover them up when not appropriate for the situation. Therefore we forget or never know what is us and other's. I read Maddeline Hattuer's Facebook, because I was trying to find her after her blog was taken down. I discovered she did it because she did not want to give her emotions awa

It is very hard to live my life every day when I do not have support. People need understanding and validation in order to thrive. I get neither where I am. It is a struggle this way. I need mirroring especially as an adoptee who never got any emotional feed back since it all happened. I feel crazy most of the time any time I have one extreme feeling. Such as when I want to go out and my daughter is not interested. It is hard to raise a baby in this state, too. I was thinking of how us adoptees learn to shut ourselves away from a young age because we learn that our true selves are forbidden. Therefore we fear attaching to others because we feel they will swallow us whole. Whenever my daughter doesn't listen I feel like she is swallowing me whole. After all I am just a needy child under it all. And boy does she get me mad when she ignores MY needs. I hope to be able to attach to people in the future. I want to be real and valid. Because living like this feels like no body cares and

My daughter was anxious as me when we got back. I wanted to write a whole letter to my Rabbi about the community ignorance of emotions, and she was not falling asleep. I was kind of on edge and finished it. Then she ran around the house and I made myself some food even though I snacked earlier. She started squishing the cherry tomatos, and I recognized that it was from her frustrated emotions so I said to her, "You're angry right?" And she delighted and repeated the word and squeezed some more on them with her fingers. I winced inside a bit from the waste, and tried to focus. It was good that I was trying to validate her a bit, unlike how I was never validated at all for my grief as a baby. But it was hard because I was stressed. Needed time to myself and yet she needed my attention... And I felt a spiral coming. I desperately tried to hold on to myself and her. My mind was telling me that she was needy and that I was doing a bad job. But my heart was screaming for focus

Life can feel like hell and I know it now. My father is a fake and my mother is obnoxious. They are both soo draining they suck the life out of their interlockers. I just can't any more. I can't be around them. I only realized it after. When I am in the swamps. Things that feel so good are only temporary. Such as acceptance from them. Now I see that it is only when it is on their standards, after I explain myself for the hundredth time. Sigh. I feel like the sacrificial lamb for humanity and them. To expose the truth about what happens when babies are disrespected and inflicted emotional wounds by their parents. Because adoption is the extreme of that and brings it to light. As BJ Lifton says, the very word calla forth images of infantilization and exposure that society does not want to think about. So they deny it's trauma. But it is trauma, and that is the very reason- because of its' secrecy and denial. There I was, with my stunted father and codependent catering mo

Ugly. The lies are ugly when they are exposed. She can no longer hide behind pure intentions. There it was straight out. That she adopted us kids because she needed children. Desperately to raise. It was not out of pure love for us. She never did think we were good. No. We were just pets to attend her liking. We could never be open about our grief of what happened to us, because it did not fit the bill of what the adopters want. Hush hush sweet children. Sweet lies that are used for other people's benefit. When I spit it at her, how angry I was that she never credited me to my feelings, and it was all for her, she became bitter and sarcastic to mock my incentive. But we all knew the truth, there was nothing to say against it as substantial evidence. And my father sat like a crazed wolf,  staring with empty soulless eyes. For how dare I face reality and expose the lie they were living under comfortably. That they are selfish uncaring fakers. Faking loving, in all the pictures of a h

I was realizing through Ollie Mathews video about how the narcissist mother will always try to baby you to keep you in control until you are 40, and then they keep tryin to catch you in this trap even when you stop contact with them. This is similar to how my mother and father treated me- like an eternal child. They always babied, and said that I was not mature enough to get married and be a mother... I don't know how conscious it was, but it made me feel inferior and unworthy. I think it was my mother's own projection of never feeling enough for everyone. It triggered me yesterday when my daughter wasn't listening and annoying me by being on top of me when I was resting.. I felt like she was smothering me and not letting me live, like my mother did. I got so triggered and pushed her. It was all day. From 2:30 till 9 that she wasn't sleeping. As usual but I feel like she is over sensitive and picks up on my mood so it us hard being a mother. I had fury inside and start

Sometimes my daughter doesn't do what I want her to such as sleep for her nap so I can go out with my husband for his birthday. And I stall and wait till she is ready. I got a bit annoyed today when she spilled a drink of wine when I tried to take it away from her. I went into my room for some space and let her stay outside with my husband. She whimpered but I ignored.. And then my husband said she was really sad. I came out and sat down and she was reacting stubbornly not looking at me. I felt she didn't love me anymore so I tested her by saying, "I don't like you." I said it not seriously because I felt she was thinking it. She ignored seemingly. Finally I picked her up and we played silly hand and mouth games and she laughed a lot something she likes to do with me to release tension. I wondered how long this would go on. And if we would not have time to go out. It bothered me that she hadn't slept in 7 hours. Suddenly, I told her, I love you and she shrieke

Ok I've been tired for days and it is time to write. Record my states. What happened... I fell apart on Friday night and yelled and choked on my pain with my spouse. I felt angry that he didn't get me and see me. In how much sadness was in me from my hopelessness of leaving my birth parents. I was not aware of it myself so it felt crazy to pretend it was okay. And he was just so focused on himself and ignoring... It was like my adoptive mother reincarnating. I screamed, he screAmed back and made me feel even more isolated for not getting it. He blamed me for being angry and said I had no right to feel angry. I yelled at him that he didn't see me and was selfish. He didn't see how much I needed support for my meeting... And he said all I could think about was my birth parents, but when it came to other people's family it didn't matter. I was shocked. I was quiet because my words felt stuck. It was so awful. He asked is this because the toddler didn't sleep?

Yesterday was depressing, I walked around in a fog. I was tired and cleaned my house using adoptee anger, as Joe Soll told me. I was unsure if he was being truthful when he said "You are a delight." I felt like he thought the opposite. I went to visit my adoptive father in his nursing home out of guilt, he was lying down sleeping as they played live cheery music in the hall. He looked at peace, for once. I knew he liked music and it may have calmed him. I left my daughter behind his curtain and started crying at his limp body. My father whom I once thought was strong and protective, was only a childhood dream. He was human and broken and it was sad for me to see. We came back from errands, and she wanted to play with the neighborhood kids who love playing with her. I let her and did not force her to come in when she tantrumed at the door. I sighed and let her be. I continued cleaning, worried about her getting in trouble. Suddenly she appeared with a smile with her dirty ha

Was really nervous today after as usual pretending to be a saint because "you need to be happy with your kid." I was ignoring my emotions. I was angry and impatient because I wanted to get things done instead of have to put my daughter to sleep. But she was tired because she woke up too early... I wore my black ribbon to show I'm in mourning. It helped me yesterday be more present. I went out today and got stuff done with my daughter in tow in the stroller. I felt only a bit stupid when I was paying by the counter and felt awkward. I feel looked down on. Because of my credit card paying serious face. But reminded myself that I had cptsd that gave me social anxiety and besides the woman was not friendly either. Why let people suck my energy dry. Got home, made myself proud by cooking and making nice food. Wow I am a super star house wife. Lol. I missed my father. My husband came home and I made him watch my daughter because I was getting edgy. I discovered that I was ups

I am heading back home now on the bus. Daughter didn't sleep all day because she sensed my nerves. I was soo worried and particular about packing all my things and having enough time with them. I felt myself trying to hold everything but I couldn't, and I was out of control. I had tried soo hard that morning to seem good but I wasn't. I was stressed and the hostess was not my business in what she thought of me. Went out to a park to soak in the weather and meditate but I was too excited about yesterday. I drank my store bought coffee and played with my baby. She was so excited to make a friend with another toddler, but the girl was very defiant and gave her untrusting looks. My daughter flitted around nervously. I felt bad so I took her, but then it rained and I had to fight with her to get in the carriage and my voice was so dejected I almost cried. I took a shower, cleaned, and then ate lunch with my baby and she actually took bites I gave her. But I tried to get her asle

It was a dream and now I am back out of it. Trying to grasp it with my bare hands. I met my birth father tonight and it was perfect. He and I are so alike in temperament it is easy. We both are relaxed and non expectant about things. We both try to accommodate each other and make conversation. It is an easy time, walking with my Dad anywhere we want to head. We went to a small restaurant half a mile away. He had waited for me in the hotel in between our houses for 20 minutes, saying it was fast. He looked fresh in a clean light purple shirt. I wanted to hug him straight off. We talked about our habits, likes and daily life. He was happy I had brought the stroller this time because the carrier hurt my back a bit. He told me he worked 80 hours a week, and was that normal? Every time I felt grateful to him for his care and help, I realized that it was so natural for him. He told me I was his daughter. I told him what I ate that day, and how I got depressed when he couldn't meet me an

Joe Soll was able to talk to me a bit about my trouble. He told me that reunions are hard for everyone, painful to see what you lost. He said I should not take it to be my fault, and I am normal for my struggles. He said I am the strong one who is doing therapy work. And I should not give up on them and we end up giving to them more because of their inability to cope as well. It made sense and I was relieved.

This anger won't kill me. My Dad won't meet me because he is scared of leaving work early even though his boss said he could for me. He values his work more than me. It is soo infuriating. We also planned to meet too sometime in the morning one of these 2 days that I have left. And I was so excited I could barely sleep. And I jumped up when my daughter felt my excitement so she couldn't sleep. So when he said could we meet later, after I had tried him 10 times and he finally called back, I was exhausted and just said okay. But I had written on a paper before he had managed to call me back, that maybe I hated him. And it resonated. I did not love him like I thought, it was just a hunger and curiosity of my whereabouts. When I wrote with my left hand, as I heard it helps bring out the inner residing feelings, I did not have anything to write. It hurt so bad. I honestly just wish he would be the one chasing me instead of me running after him like a sad dirty puppy. And if the

I am so sad I was devastated when my father was too tired to meet. Shame over my neediness and hollowness at his words threw me off and I barely mustered an okay. I was so excited to call and maybe meet him after my daughter woke up from her nap at night, when I usually try to go out. Especially here when I am leaving soon. I began imagining that he got disgusted with my neediness, or thought I was too "easy" because of my compliments on how he was a good person and could get women. He said I was being funny, but I felt it was true and that maybe he was too stuck in feeling not goos enough. I now see that maybe it was weird of me. I had just made a pact with myself not to tell people how they should feel, because it so hurt me when people told me how I am. I also told him that I didn't want to leave, that I didn't miss my husband that much that I would want to go home. He said, No! He's your husband, he needs you.. You love him. All couples fight. I felt like he&#

I went to my birth mom's work today at the soup kitchen as she asked me to meet her. She doesn't want me spending money because she is very practical and wants me to save money for what I need. Like staying here and being able to buy food and bus fare. She was late coming to the dining hall so I went downstairs and met her finishing up last minute food. She ate some chicken in front of me and I didn't want it because it did not look appetizing. I waited patiently and she got me some food from there. It was not very nutritious at all and I picked at it. The people eating there seemed stony in a way, but you could tell they were deeply sensitive, some of them, and if you were nice to them they gave you respect back. So the older woman sitting across from us seemed stoic at first, but after seeing us acting regular and not putting on a front, she smiled warmly at us and gave my daughter some food, which she took eagerly to my surprise. I feel that when I assert my boundaries

The weekend was up and down, terrible and wonderful. I ate by the hostess the first night, and didn't say much because I knew they wouldn't see me emotionally and I needed it. The next day I went to my adoptive aunt and she chattered on about herself and her grandkids and funny jokes about them. They are her world, and she and her husband are set in their ways. Very predictable but comfortable as my childhood. I finally told them about adoption and trauma and they were convinced. Only when I told her I did not need her fixing, as she tried to teach me to not think about my pain, she stopped and let herself understand and take it in. I told them about the issues in enmeshment and survivor families, being compared to how adoptees feel, and showed them in the book Journey of The Adopted Child . They loved to keep going back to how we all have baggage and time to move past it to raise own family, but I got them good by saying how I can't start anywhere if I have no beginning an

Friday I went out with birth cousin, and we met at a mall. She was very easy going, and answered every thing I said and told me stories about her life such as why she lived where she did and how her landlord set rules for the people in the building such as needing to get a job. She was worried and looking to move, sad that her decorated and lovely home she would have to leave. She was genuine, but also a bit dogmatic about certain subjects. She was willing to see how adoptive families are possessive and how that affected me, but not so much about my insecurities. Our religious differences seemed to cut a huge hole in our talk, and we avoided it or quickly explained some of it away. My biggest disappointment came when her baby daughter cried in my loving arms and I held her to show compassion and she tried to shush her after she took her ten minutes later because she was on the phone and the baby still hadn't let up. I explained about babies have feelings that need to be let out and

I have been walking on a cloud today all day. Just being with my father was fantastic. I loved looking over at him and the whole day flew by like a dream. His friend picked us up and brought us to her house, and we swam and brought the special kosher food they got me. I kept being scared they didn't like me so I offered them all my food. It was a free for all house, with a pool in the back and lots of couches and toys for the kids. I was stuck in feeling like a person everyone was watching and played my role, even though I was frustrated that my daughter wasn't sleeping and felt over elated that my father loved me. It felt forbidden and exciting. I felt guilty that I was not so focused on the friend and worried that I was not being grateful enough. That I was too happy. We kept laughing and laughing when we didn't know what to say, and my father kept saying "This is great isn't it?" As if he was trying to make sure it was. I loved comparing my body to my fath

I know. What unconditional love is I experienced it with my daughter after I calmed down after I let off steam from frustration with her not sleeping. I was too frustrated with my day and how nothing turned out the way I wanted. Her neediness was not helping to say the least. Spoke with Joe Soll my therapist this morning. I was so overwhelmed with pain at my birth half sister not paying attention to me, that I cried. Also I was sad because I had planned to go out with my birth father and his friend but he was working and he didn't answer me yesterday either. Joe Soll reminded me tht babies cannot be unlovable and the reason I feel that way is cuz I was given up. I had to do the affirmation saying I am lovable and nothing I do can make me unlovable. It is never because of that when people do not like me. So I walked around today in a small stripmall nearby, that I find myself going to every day to do something when nobody is available. I go to the bank to get wifi in middle and se

I guess I am just trying to figure out my life now that I met and feel love from my birth parents. As I read in Journey of The Adopted Self by B.J. Lifton page 253-254, the adoptee often wants to find his birth parents and show them off to everyone to kind of bring all his people together and make it real- the Ghost Kingdom side of the unknown genetic family, and the adoptive family. With witnesses, he can finally feel it is all true. I feel the same way. I want to know my birth parents and feel a sense of mystery is being uncovered, and I can finally relax without the taboo of adoption. It is just weird how I feel towards them, like we can be together forever and love each other. I know there are issues on their sides, like the book talks about birth parents who were adopted also think that the adoptee will give them the unconditional love they need. But I guess they can sense that I can't fully, that I am needy myself, and so it is pretty equal. I also feel, as describes in the

Richard Grannon said in How to work through self sabotage that we often learn through abusive narratives absolutes about what is good and bad, and we develop thoughts of ourselves through that, such as that people who do this are bad so I am bad. Or, every time this happens it means this. It causes us to self sabotage because we frequently doubt ourselves. Whenever we get to this point we need to notice and question it. It made me think. I often do this, always putting myself down when things go bad. Such as, if I want to eat I get mad at myself and say people who like eating too much are sinners. And then I sabotage my whole mood. Or when I can't relax, I get angry at myself and say people who are tense are negative or bad mothers. And the cycle goes on. I have soo many absolutes in my mind it makes me spin. Another one is that the minute I seem needy or ask for something, or talk about myself, I start jumping into the other person's mind and think that they must be annoyed

The brain senses danger from small things that are out of proportion to the current situation because of past trauma that the person could not process. Richard Grannon says in his video about the only way to heal trauma. I feel this in my hometown that I am visiting my birth family in for a few days. I get so triggered every day when my plans are not clear. I was supposed to meet my half sister today for a few hours but then she texted me that it won't work out. She had a good reason, but suddenly I felt alone. Rejected. As if she no longer likes me. It is immature but it feels real to me. I have to busy myself so I try to go out anyway. And do silly things like run to find a bathing suit to go swimming maybe while I am here. I ate a little too much for breakfast 2 portions of cereal because my daughter wasn't eating. And then we got locked out of the house and I told the host and she told me how to get in through the fancy garage. I felt like she didn't like me there when

I went out with my birth father and his best friend today. He always talks about her and they seem like happy children together. She is 35 and him 51. She was fostered as a kid, and got in trouble in her youth and 20s, so she said she understood my feelings. I thought she would be more aggressive from how his mother made her sound but she was soft as a cookie. She was so giving to me and also said she was nervous to meet me, that I was pleasantly surprised. I was nervous too for how it would go, and felt annoyed the night before about having to wake up earlier for it. She was taking us to a fancy mall, because they had a sale on candles and soap she said. I was quiet mostly, being honest and considerate. I felt too compliant and unsure of how to act, because she already knew I was religious and was being considerate about it. They both said how they wanted to make me happy and buy me what I wanted. They seemed surprised that I didn't demand anything and he kept saying that "I