Adopted

           I saw yesterday that when I visited a neighbor in order to get my daughter a new playmate, they were extremely different in their views in life than me. I let myself keep my own opinions, and voiced them when I felt like it. We had a whole discussion and getting to know each other, and the mother was firing questions at me. I did not like her brashness and views of things- she even said she was very pessimistic on life and saw things as very difficult. I do not like when people are so negative and run their lives that way, and saw how much happier I am now than in the past, where I would have fallen victim to her darkness and let it sweep me under the rug. This time, I said what I thought, and her daughters, two teenagers, were in rapt attention of me and really enjoyed my dialog. I spoke about how I let my child roam free because I want her to have good self- confidence, and the mother freaked out when I told about how I let her near dangerous objects such as eating big obj

          Teal Swan spoke about something I loved in her video this week. The mind, heart and body being all important to one's living fully. She said that when we ignore one of them, we feel we are in hell. It is so true, and so many different avenues in life exemplify one aspect and nullify the other in turn. Such as, intellectual says to put the logic over your heart, and this can cause a person to ignore their feelings. Or spirituality says to listen to your mind and not follow your body, and this can make a person think they must deprive themselves of physical care-taking. And last, some say to listen to your heart and ignore the logic, and it can make people ignore the logical point that something is really not right for them and it can get them into dangerous situations.        I have always known this, but fragmentation has made me fall into this trap. I ignored my feelings because of spiritual teachings and felt a part of me cut off and I became confused as to what w

          I guess all the while that my daughter was scared of me and didn't trust me because of my freak-attacks and the times I yelled. It must have confused her.  Now I have to regain her trust. I rocked her so much to sleep, and let her breastfeed all the time to comfort her. Now she cannot handle to cry in front of me her emotions. Things seem good on the surface, but when we become aware of what is going on under, we can work on it.            It hurts to see the pain, but I want her to trust me more. I am not terrible, I can use work. I am not blaming myself, because I needed to see my own emotions first before I could see hers.

           I saw men and women differences today, when I got angry at my husband. My daughter was crying like crazy and not sleeping when I was trying to do a new method of putting her to sleep- not through rocking her and just listening to her. She had a lot of feelings and it flabbergasted me. I realized how deeply she feels. I saw her insecurity earlier, when I saw her standing shyly watching us. And when I asked her what she was looking at, she just copied me. SO anyway, she was not sleeping at all even though she was so tired, and I was frustrated.         I told my husband, who did not have to take care of her at all, and he just said Aww in a frustrated manner. I got furious, and felt like he was feeling bad for himself too, when I did the work and he did nothing. I screamed at him that he didn't even help me so he had no right to feel annoyed. I was triggered in feeling used and like a maid. He was quiet, and I thought about it.           I asked him why he answered tha

        It is interesting to me how Lisa Romano said in her video  Caring For Aging Narcissistic Parent And Letting Go, that when her aging father is losing all his supply because all of his kids now see him as the narcissist he is and his wife has dementia, he is now becoming needy and desperate for attention, instead of the angry, insulting man he used to be. She said she tries her best to teach him about his trauma of childhood affecting his personality and how he is able to change, but he calls it BS. She does not care because she learned that she can let go of feeling responsible for him and let him make his own life decisions, being that she cannot control him. She said if he were to commit suicide, she would mourn but not take the blame, but hopes for a better outcome of course.            This was insightful to me because of my own father's aging. He is so needy and made himself unable to walk without help, although he has no outright health issue. I do the same thing and

                  I realized that when I have in mind that my daughter needs me, instead of sinking into my insecurities of not feeling good enough a person for her, I can take care of her well. When I see how she needs me, such as to sleep, I can comfort her. I look at her sad little face and think of how alone I felt at her age, and am urged to be there for her. It is those times that are most beautiful to me, because I see how needed I am in her life and it gives me pleasure to help my loved little one.              I am also learning to count myself as important from the videos Ollie Mathews made for me on The Narcissistic Resistance channel. I used to feel my childhood held nothing to the other people writing in in abusiveness level, but he made me feel important and the other subscribers who wrote encouraging and caring comments did too. My husband also was shocked by some of the things I said there, because I had not told him about it. He said it really is insane how my mothe

       Through the husband and wife respecting each other, a kid can get a sense of stability. When they fight, the kid feels unsure of her footing in the world. A kid needs to see that her parents are happy, and embrace the other side of them. Husband and wife are often duals, which means they have the qualities that the other lacks. If they can appreciate each other, they can become whole because they will want to learn from each other. This way, a kid can feel whole too because the parents will become whole.              I see that when I don't feel whole, and feel fragmented, my daughter does not feel good either. Because I cannot be there for her properly, and mirror her. Because I do not see my own worth. If my husband and I were happier together, this would not happen. Since we do not see our worth, we cannot be useful for one another because we are looking to the other to be everything.           However, we cannot be everything for one another because we are too diffe

        I realized that personal boundaries are so important because they protect a person from being exploited by others. People who don't understand or make them look bad, and bring them down from being their greatest selves that they can be. People need to be able to grow, and it involves being in a safe place. You can be safe when you have strong boundaries. Also, it brings self-respect and stronger sense of who you are, by choosing what you can allow and what you agree to take in. I deleted my Facebook because I felt so boundary-less by being friends with people who barely care about me, and not wanting them to see my photos or anything. It feels good.        Slowly I am beginning to make sense of who I am by putting up boundaries and saying no to people I do not like. People who cause me pain and stress. I am also beginning to see what makes me happy by allowing myself to go towards it more, too.

        I was happy that my father told my mother that I had called him after I spoke to her, and cried because she didn't seem to want to talk to me.  She felt bad and told me she was sorry, and seemed more kind to me for real. Maybe her own adoption made me understand me and feel sad for me. And have compassion. I am grateful.          My mother told me where I can stay and was excited beyond about my visit. She teared up a bit when I asked about her other daughter who she did not get along with at all. I feel so understood by her, it's a miracle.         I also see my love for my daughter more, now that I feel love from my birth parents.

        Dear G-d,         You gave me life. But I am not living. You gave me parents. But I don't love them. You gave me a child. But I can't feel my love for her. Why am I so put down by thoughts of how I will be doomed because I am no good? Not worthy enough, not perfect enough. Not doing enough good in the world.        Stop Judging yourself, me. Just sit for once and let your emotions sink in. Instead of running and running. Eating and eating. Talking and watching. Shopping and laughing. Staring blankly in gloom, wondering what the hell is wrong. I'll tell you.          You just spoke to your birth mother. You cried because you realized she loved you and vice versa. You have no love inside for your adoptive parents. Especially after how they mistreated you and made you dysfunctional. Especially how they tried to drain you of every last bit of strength you had left, to suite their needs. Especially when they still say they love you, and you feel pressured to say it

         Yes raising a child is hard. Hard to get out of bed when you're underslept, to soothe them. To be cheerful when you're losing sleep. To fight your desires to take care of your child. To show them you care about them. To not push them away when you're angry about your lack of sleep. To control your hurt and indignation. To feel like you are losing your entire day, as well as your night because of their inability to fall asleep!! To try for hours to put her to sleep, then to have her wake up every two hours and stay up for another hour. But after I did all those things, I found myself wondering what the point of it all was. Listening to Lisa Romano's  Children of Narcissistic and Alcoholic Parents Suffer From Codependency . Seeing how children are so affected by how their mothers look at them. And I realize that life is fleeting. That's all there is love and happiness in the self. But happiness can only be if the self is happy. It is a child's natural te

             Now that I have the validation, the struggle is if I can internalize it.             I realized that people who do spiritual bypassing, are ones who feel apart from everyone else. Since they feel so different and did not feel belonging with anyone else, they feel they must be special and it makes them feel better to think they great and "G-dly." But the truth is, they are too afraid of seeing their grief, and separated from themselves. That makes them able to feel special. But the true work is done by taking in validation and feeling oneness with the world. Feeling human. That is the hardest thing. Only once you achieve that development, can you move to becoming selfless.

           I think the reason I've always been suspicious of my people's motives, is because I was raised abused by all the most religious people. It is liberating to understand that, because now I can stop seeing them all as potential predators.

             It started this morning from a dream. I was with my oldest childhood friend and her perfect, happy mother. We were preparing food, and I accidentally cut off the chicken leg and it turned into my baby and they were disappointed because now it wouldn't look good. I felt so sad and grieved, and vowed to cherish the "chicken" and fix it because I loved it. Then we went to a school gathering, and I found my section that said "Aware Parenting" on a sign. I waited for my friends there, but I felt so rejected and un-included by all. I woke up, and it reminded me of my life. And I felt like my dream was trying to show me my missing pieces. So I wrote to Ollie Mathews about a memory of how ridiculed I was in school as a child. I had to wake my daughter up before it was her time to, but I felt an urging to do it from inside. I felt so confused by who I was, and I had always known that I had a tangled story, deep down believing that I was bat-crazy and had to

          Listening to The Narcissistic Resistance, Emotional Dysmorphia From Narcissistic Abuse,  I realized what was wrong with my family. I spoke to my brother today, and there was a lot of awkward pauses where we did not trust each other. We learned to pretend to show positive emotions, but never to trust the,. To us, emotional speech was always faked and meant that someone wanted something. Ollie said this is when we are abused and do not feel our emotions and see ourselves differently than reality when we look in the mirror or our emotions. I also never trusted compliments and always saw myself as not pretty, when it was clear from most others who said that I am pretty that I am. Also, I never trust my emotions to be real either, and used to take other's opinion of how I feel as more truthful than my own feeling. It caused me a lot of stress in family gatherings, when I was expected to always be happy when I always felt something was wrong. My sister used to ignore me, but a

          Ollie Mathews says that narcissists try to get you to feel crazy by turning it all around on you, and then pretending that they didn't mean anything at all when you point the finger on them. You have to watch out for them because they can make you question your logic. This happens to me all the time, because I am around so many enablers. I started ignoring them, because I no longer want to wrack my brain to try to gain their sympathy. I just ignore them from now on.

             If a child manages to gain the approval of his parents by pleasing them in some way, such as by being really smart or pretty, the child will adapt to pleasing his parents in order to get love and turn out codependent. But to the child that cannot bend or please his parents in any way, he will become narcissistic from the rejection of his entire self by his parents. Ross Rosenberg says this in his latest video, about where codependency comes from.            In addition, Ollie Mathews says that when a parent ignores or minimizes a child's feelings or self, no matter how nice they seemed to the outsider or how much they told the child I love you, the child will grow up feeling wrong and internalize the blame. He says this in "The Narcissist Always Blames You," where the person writing in said that he did bond a little with his parents, so his story is not as abusive as Ollie's. However, abuse is abuse, and it is pointless to minimize it, because he obviou

        In the end it'll be about what you want. Being authentic is hard, as Teal Swan says in a video with Ralph Smart on how to be authentic. It requires going against what every one else says you should be doing. In her new video, How To Get Into The Flow , she says we need to get into alignment with our desires in order to manifest anything and if you are not in alignment you will not succeed. It is like a person thinking about his wife and divorce while in a business deal. He will be too distracted to go forth.         Ollie Mathews talks a lot about how growing up with narcissistic abusive parents cause people to doubt themselves and not be able to use their talents. Their parents taunting them is always in their head. This was always true for me, I had an ADD brain and could never seem to be present. I envied people who were genuine and thought I will never be that way. I could never pull it off, as hard as I tried. I was in resistance to my true feelings because everyo

            It all comes down to how much we are aware of our childhood traumas when we go down the rabbit hole, if we are going to fall all the way or not.           I was aware, and I saw it, but I let anger get the best of me. I blamed everyone for not seeing me. None of my family, or husband. He saw, but he was too stuck in his own trauma to SAY anything and then I felt abandoned by him. My daughter hadn't been sleeping all day, and I was fed up because I was thinking about the future and how messed up it was now because of her inability to sleep. I saw her repression of feelings, and it angered me because I felt responsible. I then thought about how messed up my own childhood was, and did not have the strength anymore to save me. It seemed too large a task for me. I creamed once, and my husband got annoyed and said I shouldn't let her not sleeping get me down. It made me feel accused and bad about myself. I knew inside that it was much more than that. But I was flooded i

         Teal Swan did an exercise on how to deal with your anger in a video, and how to have self-boundaries set. The woman she worked with was not ready to share her anger with her, and kept sidestepping into logic brain. Just like my husband does to explain why he feels something, and does not feel "validated" to express or feel anger unless something really major happens to set him off.           She said that in her childhood her father did not let her have anger, so a voice in her shames her and says she cannot be angry when she is. Therefore she is resisting the feeling, and that makes it more prominent. I am terrified that my daughter will not be able to express rage because she seems so locked down sometimes in her emotions, such as fighting me when I look into her eyes after a hard day. And when I straight out yell and then notice she may have been affected so I hug her and say sorry, she bursts into sad sad tears of pain. I know she feels very deeply, like I d

      Suddenly she seemed like me, familiar. I had left her to play alone for a few hours as I did some cooking and cleaning, with my husband in the background. She had seemed okay on her own but I felt bad for her. Sure enough she had pent up feelings, maybe also from my husband and my fight about him not helping enough and my pressure to do it all. She yanked my hair and laughed amusedly as I screamed ow. She had some power back. And after I read her a book softly, she ripped one of the flaps off a page, and then watched when I groaned annoyedly because it had been my favorite book as a kid. She handed me the piece slowly, kindly showing me care. I beamed inside at how she showed her feelings. I saw myself in her, in trying to please her close ones. I felt suddenly how much she loved me, and I saw how needy she was. It tugged at my heart. She looked so alone and lost suddenly, and I wanted to hug her and say I cared and loved her. Perhaps she didn't always know it because of my

        I called my birth mother today after a stressed quick put together supper. I needed reassurance. She barely came through. She asked one question about my life, I asked her 2. She told me she bought my daughter clothes, asked when I am coming to town. Then she did her usual quick goodbye. I hung up and didn't expect the rush of sadness that came over me. I felt that nobody loved me. My husband had also seemed to ignore my feelings when he was preoccupied on his phone and answered me absentmindedly. I screamed at him, in pain. I reminded myself that I can only feel hurt by others if I am hurt inside. So I went in and cried to myself. I let the pain roll over me. Then I decided to cheer myself up because I was proud of the work I had done. Loving myself was hard. I did not have to stay in pain when it did me no good. So I dragged my family out and focused on bringing myself happiness. I did not allow judgment of myself to sink in, as I got myself my favorite healthy food. The

          A baby is so innocent. So small and needy. Cannot do anything by herself. Relies on parents for everything in life to live. How can I expect her not to feel rejected when I ignore her? When I focus on myself only. She's a baby. Can barely say words. Just sounds them out after me when she hears some particular ones. Like peace, bus, and pennn. She sounds so cute and sweet, expounding on the letters curiously. But it only makes sense that she can get hurt and broken when I seem to not care about her. She takes more time to settle down after we go out to busy places. She jumps around nervously and pushes away. She runs to me possessively while I'm busy, not caring that I am occupied. It boggles my mind how we can think that yelling at a child or punishing them cruelly will not affect them. Because a bond is crucial to a child, and without it he will stagnate, hindering development. Emotions drive a person, and when cut short they will be floating by other's strings.

       Sometimes things happen that jolt you out of a sleep. I was so depressed and disorganized these past few days. What's the point of it all, when there's no one around to validate you. They think you're all crazy and strange. For separating yourself. If you are not with them at all, who are you really? Is it worth it? Will you succeed? Is there a point at all? At low times, feeling like it's useless really hits strong. You feel like an abandoner, but at the same time abandoned yourself. But I realized that all along they were abandoning who I was inside, and to know myself finally I need to step away from them. And I feel good better than I ever felt. Because I am following my soul. Helping it grow step by step. Nothing is more joyous in life than working hard and feeling the results. Like when I walk down the street feeling like a pariah, and then Looking down at my daughter and sharing a secret loving smile that holds all of our love together and the tight bond

        My baby is bonded to me. I have to keep seeing that. She loves me, no matter how badly I treat her. I can always be better. That is the only way that things could get better- with that belief. In Reality, I am the best person to show her that she is loved, because I am the main person in her life. She came from me. I have to keep trying to be better. She loves me, and I will not give up. I will keep trying to not abuse her. I will keep trying to see her. Hopefully, she will turn out better than I did. She will not be perfect, but no one is perfect. No one has to be perfect. Just themselves. That will be enough. I love my baby girl. Just like the rest of the world loves their children. I am like the rest of humanity. I am normal.          Yesterday we had a cute moment. She was pushing me from her perch on her highchair, and I was pretend-playing falling backwards, with a fake-surprised cry of hurt. She let out a loud, gleeful laugh, and repeated it again and again. I kept pla

         Ross Rosenberg said something profound in his video Childhood Trauma Secretly Lurking In Your Body.. with guest Tracy Malone. When you are able to be heard in your inner child's trauma, you can release the pain you have been carrying since it happened, like a weight off your back. This is why having a therapist who truly gets it, has been through the same thing you have and sees beyond the false self layer that hides your vulnerability, is integral to the healing journey. I need that so badly. Having been misunderstood and made to feel like something was wrong with me for my false self that I put up to cover my deep seated shame. He said you need someone who can bulldoze through the brick walls you put up to protect that hurt inner child from further traumatization. When you are with a person who further hurts you, it causes painful sensations in your body to come up because of the stored trauma that was never healed.           Exactly true. And Begood4000 Youtube ch

        Ralph Smart says in a video about how to remember your past life, that if you are drawn to something or are good at something it is because you did it in your past life. You can see in children's faces sometimes that they know all about the world; they've been here before. I have always felt that way. He says this is only for old souls. I know I feel like one, because I've always felt different and out of place. As if I'm from a different era, as he said. I am m drawn to old fashioned clothing style, like dresses and vintage clothes. I like the simple things, have no need for fancy things and many material possessions. I was always drawn to humanism and helping people, when I was about 6 I tried to have a therapy session with a kid my age but it didn't work and they got freaked out and ran away. That was when I realized that there was something different about me. I knew what people felt and were thinking lots of times, and as a kid went out of my way to no

          Call out to G-d when you're in a tough place, say you don't understand why and want to see the light. How is this good for me. Lots of times I see it good after it's over, such as after a hard day I see that it made me happier to have a good day the next day. Need to have hard times to see where I need to grow.           One thing I realized this morning is that all the dark situations I was in made me who I am, and I do not regret going through them now. With knowledge for why I am the way I am I can make peace with myself, and accept all my weaknesses. I see how adoption affected me in not being able to trust others, and made me hard on myself and never feel good enough. Once I woke up to this program that I have been living in, day in and day out, I realized that I can stop. Life is not meant to live so suffer-ably (If that's a word)/ miserably. We can only grow if we are happy with ourselves. So I am trying to find my self-love, and embrace myself. That

        I was really losing it. I have a hard time in this house to find love. Everything drains me. Try to go out as often as we can. Was in the trauma vortex because my toddler wouldn't sleep. She was upset because of the morning when my husband put her to sleep because I was impatient and antsy to begin our day, which was off to a rough start because she barely slept the night before. Because I was lazy and down. So I had no clue how to gain strength to see her emotions. I was in empty, exhausted. She didn't want to look at me. I remembered in the back of my head the Aware Parenting group on Facebook post about a 3 year old girl that was repressed in her feelings because her mother had been too busy for her, and she hinted to her mother by saying "you lost me" that they were not connected emotionally. It hurt me how the woman was struggling so much with it because of her own feeling disconnected from herself, so she couldn't handle her daughter feeling that wa

     Wrote this last week one day.           I woke up this morning and memories flooded back to me. Taking me back to my childhood. Remembered the pain I was always in emotionally. The inherent knowledge that I was flawed and ashamed of my emotions. They had to be hidden, because I was awful. I was a 4, 5 year old in my house just wandering around feeling trapped. My mother was in the kitchen being all cheery as usual, and I skipped around in my own world. Always alone because it was the only safe place. My mother never took time to look at our emotions or try to see what was going on. So I stayed in my bed and stared at the cabin-like walls, with the tangy, sticky wood gloss, and wondered if life would ever be better. If this was all there was to it. That was a depressing thought. And I played with my dolls and my puzzles and my multiple backpacks and hats, finding comfort in them because objects never leave. They stay and are special and cute. I skip to the kitchen and tease my b

         So I realized something about myself very important and special. I was sending Ollie Matthews my story, as he is big on narcissist abuse recovery on his Youtube channel and he validates and encourages people, and he made me video responses in private because I did not want to go public with everything.            He said he loves hearing my story and is always glad to answer me. It shocked and surprised me a lot that someone can see me as great and important, too. He said I need to get away from unhealthy people and break out more, developing my own voice. He said it seems like I am the kind of person my community needs to make changes, as they are all pretty stuck in their old ways and do not have good self-esteem. It was refreshing to hear from an outsider of my religion. It was also surprising to me that he did not look down on me for being religious and a firm believer in being there for my child even if it meant being a home-mother, and he even pointed out to me that th

         I know it's hard to trust that people care. I know the feeling, I've been there before. When you think no body gets you, you're in it alone. I've been there before. Walking on eggshells around everyone, having to fake your smile just to hide your true worry and anxiety. Faking laughter and enthusiasm, when you really just feel numb. Sick of the chaos in your head, wanting to end it all with one fix. A fix that'll make you feel good, finally. Because it never feels good with others, it always feels like you are on trial. For something you never did, just for how you feel. When someone asks a personal question you fill it with ironic joking, unsure of what they truly want. You'll never share your feelings, they are too maddening and anxiety provoking, no body will care you tell yourself. There you sit in a puddle of doom. This is how I used to feel, because as the adoptee book The Primal Wound says, we feel unworthy of love, and don't know how to hav

        I was watching the episode Number Three in This Is Us and bawling. He was split in his childhood because his mom didn't let him know she found his real dad, and his father followed her home to see his son but stopped himself from going in because he saw how he had a whole life without him and he felt small. And you see in Randall's face how sad he was, always felt outcasted. Reminded me of my own confusion and hurt at my adoptive and birth mothers for not being there. At least we are validated later on, but not early enough to prevent the ghosts from hurting us. As Randall describes in analogy to Pacman. And then the foster girl he helped leaves to return to her biological mother and he feels abandonment again. She tells him not to feel too sad, because she knows about his adoption "split"  feelings, and you just feel the raw energy of sadness. He is left again.        I know the feelings and they are real because I have them every time I am unsure of m

         I found myself again. Through watching Melanie Tonia Evan's latest video, 5 Ways To Open Your Heart Space. She said that the way you open your heart space is to listen to it, and treating it with care will make you attract others who can go this deep, too. If we do not care about our heart space, we will attract superficial people who do not pay attention to our feelings, either. It is all about what you agree to take for yourself from others. She says that the relationships that trigger our emotions are the levels we are up to in our healing. The successes we have are when the hurtful behavior people do to us do not bother us anymore.           I realized that I am up to not taking rudeness from others anymore, and it still hurts slightly when my father-in-law is hurtful and overstepping my boundaries by not caring about my feelings. When he tries forcing us to visit by being manipulative to our emotions, like insulting us for not coming over. I am in the midst of heali

                        I realized something vital from listening to Ross Rosenberg and Jonice Webb, Running on Empty / Human Magnet Syndrome. Different But The Same. Rosenberg & Webb . They spoke about their differences on the same topic, and that they had the same core teachings, that children who grow up ignored and their emotions minimized end up feeling invisible and then attract partners who are very large on taking up space. And then they wonder why they are always stepped over by others, but it is because they do it to themselves by being very "small." They are responsible for seeing what happened to them so that they can heal, as Rosenberg said, you can not heal by telling yourself or a therapist telling you what actions you need to take. Therapists need to be exploring more what happened in childhood to make you that way in order to help. I was thinking about it, and how my daughter is truly so fragile because she has no concrete sense of who she is yet, and i

           I love to look at my daughter as she is, an emotionally and physically 16 month old toddler. This means she doesn't understand everything I say, and she needs patience and compassion. Life is hard for her in her own right- having to figure out the world and what basic things we do and say mean and are. I cannot expect her to understand that she will break or spill things and that makes me have to work hard to clean up. She is just exploring and seeing how things work. Sometimes she cries and screams when she doesn't get her way, and I cannot expect her to understand that it is only temporarily bad and things happen. Kids are very emotional and live in the moment, so they are very strongly affected by everything. Paired with feeling incapable of doing things for themselves, and the frustration of wanting to learn, makes it easy for them to get hurt. She understands who she is, a child learning things and day by day exploring with her mother how the world is, and I ne

           We have to listen to our inner voices more when we talk or interact with others. Listen to our feelings and what we really feel about the other. This way we can know if they are abusing us and overstepping our personal boundaries or not. My husband and I spoke about this, after a fight today because I felt he was not seeing me and validating me. He told me I may have mental illness, and it really struck a chord in me because I was used to people not understanding my feelings and invalidating me. I should have listened to my inner voice that was telling me he was hurting my feelings, and validated myself and then explained it to him instead of reacting. I am allowed to my feelings, and I need to listen to them more.            He explained how he saw me as very hurt inside and with abandonment issues, and that he knew it was because of my upbringing. He spoke about how awful my mother was, and how she seems like she has mental blocks because she does not see others at all,

          I was watching my daughter and wondering if she felt small compared to the adults always around her, and I saw that she was happy in her own life and did not worry about others. That only comes with shame and disappointment in the self. She does not need me to tell her everything constantly, she learns on her own and I can be present and watch her in order to be myself around her. She taught me something invaluable and that is that living in the present is the best feeling. Not worrying about past or future. I used to think this was impossible, because I was wrapped up in what I had to do and where I'd been, and guilty for not working enough, but I realized that living in the now makes life easier and I don't have to push myself so much and everything has it's time. For example, when she sleeps I can do my writing or meditating about my confusion. For now it is just what we are now.        Ralph Smart said that a way to stop overthinking is to live in the prese

          When I took time for myself I saw how my daughter was calmer and I was happier doing things for her. It is because my cup was full. I heard John Bradshaw say that 2 years are exploring their worlds and need limits, but in a loving way because yelling at them from our own inner child causes them to feel rejected. So I took from this that it was important to see my own inner child and not react from her when taking care of my daughter. When I take care of myself I also see my limits and what I can not handle better, and I am better able to convey them to her. In turn she can trust me to be strong about what I want and appreciate my self-respect and boundaries, and learn from me. I am very excited about this, and see how it helps me live life more satisfyingly.            Belief in my deserving of abundance and acceptance of my needs without judgement allowed me this happiness. For example, I used to repress my desire to cook my dinner and have it on time because of my daught

            Our children will always love us and need us, it is not worth it to hurt them when they seem to be hurting us. Someone wrote in to the Facebook Aware Parenting group about her blog, which was about learning to say no to your kids being crucial for you. She said that when our kids get us nervous, we must tell them and not let it go on because then we can get angry because they overstep our boundaries. We must tell them to stop for our own sake. We do not want to get angry at them because deep down we are really angry at ourselves for not enforcing our boundary when we needed it.            I noticed this today, when my daughter was crying in the store and I wanted to give her a candy just to quiet her. But I didn't really want to buy the candy, and I recognized that I just feared her disappointment, so I just said sorry firmly and did not give her anything. She cried, but I felt a lot better than had I given her something.

           I met a really nice old lady because of my baking sale, and she was my first customer. She seemed really timid and humble, and I was excited to meet my first customer. I went to her house to pick up the payment for my cake, and she invited me in warmly. I brought my daughter in, and was happy by how she understood that my daughter was nervous in a new person's home and needed time. She gave her a balloon, and my cutie stood there watching her as I brought up the stroller. She handed me some agave syrup for the next round of cakes she wanted from me, and I was excited that she was true to her word of wanting to use me again for business. Her daughters liked healthy eating, too and she was excited to provide some for them when they come with their children. I was excited and happy to be welcomed into a warm grandmotherly home. She was chatty, and I was careful to make myself open and not only self-conscious. Most people listen to others to reply, I saw on Instagram, and I

          Spoke to my birth parents tonight.. First Dad then Mom came over unexpected. So much synchronicity.. He was happy to hear my voice. I found myself talking about my inner thoughts, unexpectedly.. I just felt he would listen with non-judgement. He is my father. It was nice and comforting. I had excitement about little things unlike with anyone else. We spoke about adoption pain and he understood. Tried to shift it to my parents were great, but it was hollow. I didn't mind.  I just want to connect. Birth Mom was curt but caring.. I already know she won't be too curious about my life aside from the logistics. He said they were both proud of me.  I was glad they discussed it. Appreciative. 

         I noticed the joy in being true to yourself.  When I was stressed and had to do something I stopped and decided to go out for air. As I walked I felt better. Had confusion about new confidence to ignore people who made me confused and low.. Mind raced. Couldn't pay attention to my daughter..now I realize that I needed to checkout how I was feeling inward.  Was climbing a new level. Needed to steady self because unfamiliar energy. The confidence and different behavior stemmed from the knowledge that I can listen to my heart from Teal Swan. And Ralph Smart said leave people who don't vibe. 

                Life goes on, and the present is only a fraction of the whole of our lives. We need to look into the future and ask ourselves how we ant our lives to turn out, and make choices according to that. Life is short, and the most important is the feelings we have and how they create memories. Let's make good memories.

       Oh the highs and lows. I need to write about them. Yesterday, I was having a conversation with my adoptive cousin about our shared maternal family dysfunctions, and how our mothers did not validate our emotions and gas-lighted us. I said we need to learn not to depend on them for validation. She said it is hard. I saw that our mother's families grew up to be very enmeshed and do not know how to see other people's feelings, although they are such givers, because they never acknowledge their own pain and it is hidden, locked away from anyone's sight. I felt validated and happy but sad about it. Then we spoke about stereotypes, and how we have trouble seeing beyond them and accepting people who seem to think they are "above others." We have the same struggles about that. We are both old souls, indigos, so it is hard for us to accept other's flaws as we see them so clearly and their energies affect us. We are both stronger than average though, and we need t