Into Abyss

            My heart feels like it has a hole in it. Since yesterday morning is when it started. I kept trying to hold onto my life but my efforts where futile. After the adoption group meeting. I came home and ate some of my sorrows. Mu husband left to attend social events. I didn't feel like going. Daughter wasn't sleeping aside from the half hour dose off on the train. My husband came back and she was still up wandering around as I burrowed in self pity and pain. I was also saddened by the tragic news about what happened in Houston. It was all around, and the pain was unending. No where to hide.

           At 12 a.m. I was trying to get her to sleep in my arms but she seemed very repressed. I felt she was hurt from me and I'd never be loving mother she needed. I freaked out and told myself to sit with the emotions, that I was strong enough to do it. And she ran from my arms each time I tried, and I felt unworthy. I started crying and it came out broken and wailing. My husband was annoyed that my daughter went to his bed and touched his hands waking him up. I cried and cried and he asked is it because of her? I got angry and said no it's never because of her. Meaning it was my issues. He said oh sorry I know. And let me cry on in my bed alone. I tried to imagine my home as a child, where everything seemed perfect on the outside, but as Jerry Wise told us- when siblings fight it is a sign of their parents relationship not going well. And my brother and I hated each other most of the time. I always felt very alone but comfortable in our beautiful, accommodating homes. We vacationed in a sunny, cozy country house and had grilled cheese sandwiches by the pool. What more can a girl ask for? But I remembered how I felt, and as a 10 year old I acting childish and silly in school, thinking it was me against everyone. And I read books in all my spare time and was a Harry Potter nerd. I was obsessed with my books, which fueled my active imagination and emptiness inside. I had no one to trust but my books. I tried taking my little self out of my house, and telling her parents that I had to go because they were destroying me. But as I walked away in my colorful yellow dress and a brown teddy bear, I felt I had no where else to go. I repeated to myself there's no where to go and I cried more. Listened podcast about being adopted and disorganized attachment, and said we feel the loss as babies. Do not attach. Trouble in relationships. Feel no one will stay because have unwanted complex. It takes someone special make us trust. Finally, after being scared of me and freaking out when I held her close, my daughter fell asleep my husband rocking her. I failed. I do not want y daughter to feel this awful, non-belonging in her own family, feeling. I want her to feel love for herself always. I am terrified that she feels unwanted. 

           No wonder I had a dream of creepy twin celebrities having people chase them, and they try to escape by jumping into different frames that take them to the future. And their best friend who turns out to be gay helps them. And they are betrayed by him because has ulterior motives. This reminds me of my brother and other birth family who never save me. From feeling so empty and trying find a home. From stalkers and admirers who don't know or care about me.