Insanity
I am so angry. When did everything become so okay? When did emotions become so evil? Why are people so evil? I was pushed down all my life, and gas lighted by every one I know. I am beyond angry, I want to scream until everyone can hear me and get shaken up to their core like I was. Unless they really are not human, and are just masking it in their human bodies. Pretending to be happy, pretending to care, pretending to smile. When all their lives they were just LYING. Lying to me that they were right and I was always wrong. I was never able to feel my feelings. They were always bad and stupid and immature and petty and silly, well I almost died from them, does that satisfy them now? When it all blows up in their faces and they are left shocked with ugly disfigures. HA!
Omg I sound insane, crazy, delusional, straight up retarded.
I don't know what I was meant for in this life, but it is something really awkward, strange, and retarded.
I have so much anger coursing through me though. And I want to hurt those people that are supposedly closest to me. The ones that hate me, the ones that poured gas on my soul and lit it up. The ones that claimed I was wrong, and that I knew nothing. When all I knew was that I was hurting.
I have been burnt, twisted, and messed with all my life. This feels like a freaking nightmare. I wish I could scream in middle of the street and act like a crazy person. To expose all those hypocrites. But sadly, they would probably just think I went crazy, and shake their heads in sympathy for me, spreading how I was crazy all along and they never had a doubt that it would happen.
I have NO ONE. NO one cares. No one wants to hear my plight. They all believe I am fabricating, telling me I am making up stuff for my own attention.
I am DONE. Done with the madness, when I say I am hurt, they ask what are feelings? Those are not something that should make you behave this way, you are perfectly happy, you just don't know it. HAAAAAAA yeah if I was happy why would I be crying? Why would I be screaming? Oh right, for attention.
This Bitch that I was talking to, that asked me my feelings about being adopted, and when I told her I was hurt that my mother did not validate them, told me I cannot expect empathy from my own mother for my feelings because she had a hard life. What are mother for then? Just to provide you will all your monetary and physical needs, but IGNORE your emotional ones? Is that right? And if so, is that what I'm supposed to be doing with my own kid? Someone, please tell me, so I can get it RIGHT. After all, I don't want to be a. IMPROPER mother.
Maybe when my kid was crying just before, for the past hour, I should have just set her down with toys dangling in her face, and let her figure it out on her own, because otherwise, she will EXPECT it from me to hold her when she cries? HOW IMPROPER OF HER, OF ME, my goodness.
When I was being too shy by my sister's house, and muttered an answer, and my Big, Perfect older sister said, "No one can hear you, you talk so quietly." In a disgusted voice. Maybe I should have SCREAMED "WHY AM I SCARED OF BEING MYSELF IN MY OWN SISTER'S HOUSE? THAT YOU NEVER CARED ABOUT MY PROBLEMS...SO i HAVE TO ACT LIKE A SOLDIER TO MAKE YOU HAPPY?"
When I lost it and cried one time by my Sister's on the weekend when they made weird looks at me by the table because they could not bring themselves to be interested in what I was talking about, and she said, "Stop crying, you don't have it THAT hard, we all grew up with Dad as our father..." MAYBE I SHOULD HAVE SCREAMED, "YOU WEREN'T ADOPTED, WHERE YOU? SO YOU CAN'T KNOW HOW I FEEL."
As a quote goes, "YOU SAY I WOULDN'T LAST A MINUTE IN THE REAL WORLD. WELL, YOU WOULDN'T LAST A MINUTE IN MY WORLD."
When all my Biological sisters indicated that I was crazy for feeling loss because of having been adopted, when they themselves ADMITTED TO HAVING FELT LONELY OR DIFFERENT ALL THEIR LIVES, I SHOULD HAVE STRAIGHT UP NEVER SPOKE TO THEM AGAIN,
When my father-in-law denied the validity of adoption grief, and said he'd have loved to be adopted sometimes, even though I told him it is a known FACT that there is no relinquishment without trauma, I SHOULD HAVE STRAIGHT OUT IGNORED HIM. When my sister in law told me off for hurting his feelings because I said he was not smart, I should have JUST WALKED AWAY AND NOT CARRIED ON TRYING TO CONVINCE HER TO SEE HOW HE WAS VERBALLY ABUSIVE, AND THEN SHE ANSWERED THAT I'M JUST SENSITIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!
Omg I sound insane, crazy, delusional, straight up retarded.
I don't know what I was meant for in this life, but it is something really awkward, strange, and retarded.
I have so much anger coursing through me though. And I want to hurt those people that are supposedly closest to me. The ones that hate me, the ones that poured gas on my soul and lit it up. The ones that claimed I was wrong, and that I knew nothing. When all I knew was that I was hurting.
I have been burnt, twisted, and messed with all my life. This feels like a freaking nightmare. I wish I could scream in middle of the street and act like a crazy person. To expose all those hypocrites. But sadly, they would probably just think I went crazy, and shake their heads in sympathy for me, spreading how I was crazy all along and they never had a doubt that it would happen.
I have NO ONE. NO one cares. No one wants to hear my plight. They all believe I am fabricating, telling me I am making up stuff for my own attention.
I am DONE. Done with the madness, when I say I am hurt, they ask what are feelings? Those are not something that should make you behave this way, you are perfectly happy, you just don't know it. HAAAAAAA yeah if I was happy why would I be crying? Why would I be screaming? Oh right, for attention.
This Bitch that I was talking to, that asked me my feelings about being adopted, and when I told her I was hurt that my mother did not validate them, told me I cannot expect empathy from my own mother for my feelings because she had a hard life. What are mother for then? Just to provide you will all your monetary and physical needs, but IGNORE your emotional ones? Is that right? And if so, is that what I'm supposed to be doing with my own kid? Someone, please tell me, so I can get it RIGHT. After all, I don't want to be a. IMPROPER mother.
Maybe when my kid was crying just before, for the past hour, I should have just set her down with toys dangling in her face, and let her figure it out on her own, because otherwise, she will EXPECT it from me to hold her when she cries? HOW IMPROPER OF HER, OF ME, my goodness.
When I was being too shy by my sister's house, and muttered an answer, and my Big, Perfect older sister said, "No one can hear you, you talk so quietly." In a disgusted voice. Maybe I should have SCREAMED "WHY AM I SCARED OF BEING MYSELF IN MY OWN SISTER'S HOUSE? THAT YOU NEVER CARED ABOUT MY PROBLEMS...SO i HAVE TO ACT LIKE A SOLDIER TO MAKE YOU HAPPY?"
When I lost it and cried one time by my Sister's on the weekend when they made weird looks at me by the table because they could not bring themselves to be interested in what I was talking about, and she said, "Stop crying, you don't have it THAT hard, we all grew up with Dad as our father..." MAYBE I SHOULD HAVE SCREAMED, "YOU WEREN'T ADOPTED, WHERE YOU? SO YOU CAN'T KNOW HOW I FEEL."
As a quote goes, "YOU SAY I WOULDN'T LAST A MINUTE IN THE REAL WORLD. WELL, YOU WOULDN'T LAST A MINUTE IN MY WORLD."
When all my Biological sisters indicated that I was crazy for feeling loss because of having been adopted, when they themselves ADMITTED TO HAVING FELT LONELY OR DIFFERENT ALL THEIR LIVES, I SHOULD HAVE STRAIGHT UP NEVER SPOKE TO THEM AGAIN,
When my father-in-law denied the validity of adoption grief, and said he'd have loved to be adopted sometimes, even though I told him it is a known FACT that there is no relinquishment without trauma, I SHOULD HAVE STRAIGHT OUT IGNORED HIM. When my sister in law told me off for hurting his feelings because I said he was not smart, I should have JUST WALKED AWAY AND NOT CARRIED ON TRYING TO CONVINCE HER TO SEE HOW HE WAS VERBALLY ABUSIVE, AND THEN SHE ANSWERED THAT I'M JUST SENSITIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!
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