What Self-Love feels like for me...
I used to think that if I couldn't be like everyone else, I was a waste of space. I used to think if I didn't excel at something, such as getting a college degree, or being in charge of a club, I was worthless. A lot of that was ingrained in me by the high school I went to, unfortunately. They picked the popular and confident kids to run the whole show, and in my group of friends, everyone was good at something, so my BEST FRIEND told me, "Hey, we are all good at something... but you... *insert sad face* are not special in any field." I full on agreed, seeing the proof in the pudding. I was just average at everything. So what if I could draw cartoon figure sticks of girls in 2 minutes and it come out looking really cool, or that I understood why people acted the way they did in a heartbeat, or I could tell right away how people vibe? If it wasn't something big, and concrete, it was basically nothing.
What a sad way to live, and how sad it is for all those out there that think their talents and value are based on how others treat them. I know now that if I had lived with confidence, I could have made way more friends and been very respected by everyone. Instead, I chose to sink into self-deprecating humor and made a clown out of myself every day, for other people's approval of my existence.
Another time, another "close" friend of mine revealed to me that other girls were gossiping to her that I was pathetic, that I could be so popular but I gave it up because I was a loser. I embraced the comment, even floored by the thought that someone thought I could be popular, and solemnly agreed that I was a loser, and it was stuck in me.
This was while I was seeing a therapist. Who could not help me pump myself up that I didn't have to agree with all my self beliefs of being a fraud and excuse of a person.
In the past, I could never make decisions alone, my whole life and direction was placed in others' hands. Such as my classmates who decided I was a worthless lower-than-human unworthy-of-friendship person, my teachers who decided who was smart and who was a bum, my parents who shaped me into believing I was a needy, problematic, human-doing, and full-of-inner-chaos daughter, and every person I met who reinforced my self doubt of ever showing up a myself.
After I quit my job, stopped taking outer criticism and doubt, took full-on responsibility for loving my daughter, I no longer resonate with these identities.
I am proud of myself for even waking up to be productive in my days, writing this blog of all of my inner feelings, greeting my husband cheerfully and loving my own built family unit.
I am ANGRY that I lost having all of this earlier, the simple feeling of security in life. How I used to feel this VOID in me swallowing me whole. I am no longer living in the Matrix.
As Ralph Smart/ Infinite Waters, says- one way you can tell you are no longer living in the Matrix if you throw away the system of having a 9-5 job.
Yeah!
An Adoptee Heart
What a sad way to live, and how sad it is for all those out there that think their talents and value are based on how others treat them. I know now that if I had lived with confidence, I could have made way more friends and been very respected by everyone. Instead, I chose to sink into self-deprecating humor and made a clown out of myself every day, for other people's approval of my existence.
Another time, another "close" friend of mine revealed to me that other girls were gossiping to her that I was pathetic, that I could be so popular but I gave it up because I was a loser. I embraced the comment, even floored by the thought that someone thought I could be popular, and solemnly agreed that I was a loser, and it was stuck in me.
This was while I was seeing a therapist. Who could not help me pump myself up that I didn't have to agree with all my self beliefs of being a fraud and excuse of a person.
In the past, I could never make decisions alone, my whole life and direction was placed in others' hands. Such as my classmates who decided I was a worthless lower-than-human unworthy-of-friendship person, my teachers who decided who was smart and who was a bum, my parents who shaped me into believing I was a needy, problematic, human-doing, and full-of-inner-chaos daughter, and every person I met who reinforced my self doubt of ever showing up a myself.
After I quit my job, stopped taking outer criticism and doubt, took full-on responsibility for loving my daughter, I no longer resonate with these identities.
I am proud of myself for even waking up to be productive in my days, writing this blog of all of my inner feelings, greeting my husband cheerfully and loving my own built family unit.
I am ANGRY that I lost having all of this earlier, the simple feeling of security in life. How I used to feel this VOID in me swallowing me whole. I am no longer living in the Matrix.
As Ralph Smart/ Infinite Waters, says- one way you can tell you are no longer living in the Matrix if you throw away the system of having a 9-5 job.
Yeah!
An Adoptee Heart
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