Listening to Me

I had the time of my life with my toddler today. Just being present and loving every minute with her. I saw things through her eyes and enjoyed making her happy. This is true love. I know that nothing she could do would make me not like her. We went to the park,

And there was a woman there with her 2 year old girl on the swing. My daughter make contact and wanted to sit near her. The woman's first red flag was that she lied to her friend on the phone, that she couldn't hear her well and wanted to go, when I started talking politely back to her about our girls. She could have just said she wanted to talk to someone there... And also, she said plurally that there were other kids here, when it was just my daughter.

But I decided to be friendly, because we need human contact. She was very needy I saw by how she began totally enmeshing with my life by agreeing or disagreeing with me. I tried to stay objective. When I saw her being helicopter-like with her daughter, and her daughter's neediness of my daughter to play with her from the start, I got nervous and moved away. She seemed insulted and joined me near the sprinklers. I saw that she needed approval. I told her about aware parenting, just staying my opinions. She was curious and wholeheartedly said she didn't like the cry it out method too... But it sounded like she still implemented it. She asked what do you do if your kid tantrums? I said be understanding. Know that they need to be heard. It seemed new to her.

I walked away when my brother called back. My daughter didn't want to play with the girl anyway it seemed. He was interested in my life and I told him some things... And then he told me unsolicited advice about sending my daughter to daycare. I thanked him anyway. Feels like he tried fixing me but not understanding me. Whatever. I asked him why he called, and how our relationship was on a difficult point... He said yes, you and your husband hurt me last time... I knew what he was referring to, and apologized. He dug in that I had been cold and gave him nasty look when he was vulnerable. I apologized and said that I was upset that time because of the awkwardness... He said no you were mean to me. I agreed and apologized, trying to explain why it had hurt me too there. I told him that we both had anger towards each other from our upbringing. He disagreed wit me and said I was the mean one to him and locked my door all the time. I screamed because he was ignoring me as usual, saying "But I was hurt too then..." He refused and spoke over me that he was the victim. I was like, I gotta go. And he sarcastically yes Yes I know. I hung up annoyedly. Bought myself coffee saying that I had a right to my feelings. The pain quieted slowly and I remembered how in the past it would have ended worst. I no longer needed his love so desperately.

I even let my daughter play in some weedy grass, and sat by her. She felt free and able to roam herself. I am into giving her as much free choice as possible not to stifle her expression. She even kissed me at home a few times, and I felt that she did love me. Sometimes it is hard to feel because I do not feel lovable, but now I do because I am a good mother. Today.