Disconnection with Baby from Losing Trust of Safety
It became apparent that my daughter did not trust me with her feelings this morning. It was devastating, and I felt disconnected from her. Nothing I did would help, I tried looking in her eyes and she backed up or stared away, to the right or up tilting her head completely. I made funny faces, to which broke the tension and she laughed wide mouthed at me, but then I tried making sole eye contact and it was gone, replaced by stricken eyes and avoidance.
It made me think, she really hates me, I am a disgusting, ugly figure. Helplessness washed over me. Then I realized: she is just a baby and she needs me, wants my love, but did not feel it based on my actions, so she is necessarily protecting herself with a wall between us, me the mother who betrayed her, and her the needy and alone baby that knows no other safety net to fall into.
My heart constricted as I realized what I had done. I felt there was no undoing my harm, and I was an awful and doomed person. No matter how much I try to grow and love, and complain about what I went through with disconnection from mothers, my birth mother in my subconscious memory and my adoptive mother in my development as she left me to fend for my own emotional needs, and I shut down all trust in anyone, I was doing the same to my own daughter!!
I remembered how I felt as a child, crying endless tantrums when I wasn't suppressing my anger and confusion and loneliness due to shame, I just wanted attention! From anyone who would open up enough to me that showed me they cared or could. I didn't need perfect adults, I just needed LOVE. Love isn't perfect, but it's a bond. It's special and sacred, no matter the atrocities performed. But unfortunately, the bond was so broken by my adoptive mother because she could not repair or notice enough my damaged mind. From the lack of attention and feelings of worthlessness and shame. This is gonna take a long time to rebuild with her. But there was one person who showed me they cared. And that was my father, ironically. One incident where I ran away from the dinner table because of a minor injury that I was blowing up over from triggers of all the subconscious past pains, and he ran after me and demanded that I come downstairs. I met him on the stairs, and he saw my tears and took my face in his hands and said in a broken voice, "Don't cry, please, we love you." It made me cry with relief, because I saw that he really meant it.
Children truly pick up on the truth. If you're being real or not. My daughter knows sometimes that I truly love her, but most of the time I am at lost for how I feel inside as I watch her twist in pain from MY MISDEEDS. My ego tells me it's not my fault, so the blame has no where to go but on the situation, and I am left empty. I watch her cry, but as my sister showed me when she just said, "I SEE you have pain, but can't feel it," it is not enough.
I need to FEEL something when I see her in pain. I know it, and I'm still searching for the feelings of empathy and regret. I need that CONNECTION with her again, I cannot lose it. It is too precious to me. I want her to know I am there, she is not alone. I love her.
So long,
Adoptee in Progress
It made me think, she really hates me, I am a disgusting, ugly figure. Helplessness washed over me. Then I realized: she is just a baby and she needs me, wants my love, but did not feel it based on my actions, so she is necessarily protecting herself with a wall between us, me the mother who betrayed her, and her the needy and alone baby that knows no other safety net to fall into.
My heart constricted as I realized what I had done. I felt there was no undoing my harm, and I was an awful and doomed person. No matter how much I try to grow and love, and complain about what I went through with disconnection from mothers, my birth mother in my subconscious memory and my adoptive mother in my development as she left me to fend for my own emotional needs, and I shut down all trust in anyone, I was doing the same to my own daughter!!
I remembered how I felt as a child, crying endless tantrums when I wasn't suppressing my anger and confusion and loneliness due to shame, I just wanted attention! From anyone who would open up enough to me that showed me they cared or could. I didn't need perfect adults, I just needed LOVE. Love isn't perfect, but it's a bond. It's special and sacred, no matter the atrocities performed. But unfortunately, the bond was so broken by my adoptive mother because she could not repair or notice enough my damaged mind. From the lack of attention and feelings of worthlessness and shame. This is gonna take a long time to rebuild with her. But there was one person who showed me they cared. And that was my father, ironically. One incident where I ran away from the dinner table because of a minor injury that I was blowing up over from triggers of all the subconscious past pains, and he ran after me and demanded that I come downstairs. I met him on the stairs, and he saw my tears and took my face in his hands and said in a broken voice, "Don't cry, please, we love you." It made me cry with relief, because I saw that he really meant it.
Children truly pick up on the truth. If you're being real or not. My daughter knows sometimes that I truly love her, but most of the time I am at lost for how I feel inside as I watch her twist in pain from MY MISDEEDS. My ego tells me it's not my fault, so the blame has no where to go but on the situation, and I am left empty. I watch her cry, but as my sister showed me when she just said, "I SEE you have pain, but can't feel it," it is not enough.
I need to FEEL something when I see her in pain. I know it, and I'm still searching for the feelings of empathy and regret. I need that CONNECTION with her again, I cannot lose it. It is too precious to me. I want her to know I am there, she is not alone. I love her.
So long,
Adoptee in Progress
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