Mood: Angry

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         I am down and negative and angry. I've been this way all my life. Always had these emotions lurking beneath the surface. Ready to explode on me any time I did something stupid. Judgmental is what I was. I judged everybody too. I looked down on everybody, exposing all of their badness in them, and scoffing at any of their attempts to be good, because they could never achieve true goodness in my eyes.

         Because I was in pain, no body was good. Because they weren't connected to me or truly caring about me. I was disconnected from everyone, so how could I see anyone's good?

         You cannot see people's good if you don't see your own.
         You cannot connect to anyone if you don't connect and HOLD and LOVE yourself.
       
          Until you love yourself, you won't let another person truly love you. You will on;y let them love the parts of you that YOU love, be it your outside, or one trait you are proud of.... if they ever see your negativity you think they will hate you now, the way you hate yourself.

         So it all comes back to your perception of yourself.

         I have been angry and negative all my life, so any good I did was not good enough because I always managed to find something bad to overshadow it.

         From now on, I am finding the good in me to overshadow the bad. What you feel about yourself manifests in your life. So I am expecting good results, world. Lol.

          But this negativity, it has been my foreshadowing. This is because it was trying to get me to SEE my pain. all of it, not just surface-wise of what happened in the present. No no, there was wayyy more Anger and emotion than just from one incident. So much boiling, bubbling madness waiting to explode in me. I can no longer ignore it.

          I am here for myself if anyone asks where I have been. Or that I am being selfish by not tending to their needs.

        Love,
        An Adoptee that's Special


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