To my dear codependent ex friend

To my dear codependent ex friend:

We had a lot of fun times together. Drowning in misery. I now know exactly why you cut me off two years ago without a backward glance. There was something unfix-able, and as much as we both were experts in denying our intuition, and we sunk deeper and then you pulled out. I understand why you did what you did. I appreciate it. It pushed me to be alone and face my problems. It was a step towards truth. We truly got tangled into lies together. We feed each other's egos way too much. The fact that we had such similar pain made it easier to deny the wrongness of being together. We could not see each other. We kept pushing one another to change without ever looking inside ourselves. We picked up on all of each other's weaknesses and let them be, because we had no idea how to help one another, so blind in our pain. All the times we said we loved each other, but deep down I knew I didn't. I knew there was something missing, that I judged you but I was too scared to admit it. And I was from all the times you judged me and called out on me, hurting me deeply. We were only doing ourselves a disfavor by allowing in to our deepest inner world someone who just couldn't care. It was messing with our intuition of who cared, and what we thought we were worthy of having as a close friend. That's why it is sometimes more toxic to have a best friend than to be alone. The times you told me I was beautiful and I felt that that was my only factor, and I felt that you thought so too. The times I never validated how much your father hurt you by stepping on you, and your mother's denial and codependency pained you when you wanted her to see it and she couldn't. When your siblings denied your plight of being a scapegoat child, called useless and problematic by your Dad, never helped monetarily by your family when they helped all other siblings, and I didn't validate your pain. When we acted silly and stupid every time we set out to enjoy ourselves, and you blamed me for making you act that way, but I just couldn't deal with realness either. When I was gloomy and quiet, and embarrassed of it, and you made me feel boring and depressing and didn't validate my sadness. When I mentioned having a crush on your lazy, in-denial brother, and you enclosed to me that you didn't let me marry him because I was more screwed up then anyone you knew, it pained me deeply, but I understood. But we continued to pretend we were a-okay, and tried to help each other fix their life, without helping ourselves. It was a fake, hurtful thing. But we were attached to it because of being used to being invisible in the outer world. We did have fun, when we laughed and laughed at our messed up selves. We were each other's only lifeline that we let it go on. I constantly felt I was using you, and felt bad about using your time and compassion. I told you many times that you had a lot of compassion, that was my way of apologizing for using it. Because I felt I gave you nothing back, except a pretty face as you told me. I felt you were jealous of my looks and skinny-ness because you constantly told me about them. And how everyone wants to look like me. It made me feel unappreciative of them, like I was not good enough to have them. We both knew my inner world was a mess, which is why when you left me with no contact suddenly, it hurt me that you gave up on me. But I didn't miss you at all. You had a wicked sense of humor, and you used it beautifully to self-deprecate yourself in creative ways, and to laugh at the system of the world when people were unhealthy. You called me funny too, and I appreciate your noticing my funny way of denouncing all people who thought they were so great and messed with me. But you made out to me that I was weak and vulnerable, and it hurt me. You didn't accept my passive nature, and need for others to protect me and tell me how I am showing up in the outer world. You made me feel like a whiny brat for going on and on about my relationships that I so desperately needed to validate me. And I didn't understand your need for someone to be a calming presence for you when you were chaotic. I laughed at you, and made you feel hopeless. And you never told me how you felt about that. I am hereby saying I'm sorry, and I do value you as a human. I see your brokenness, and I cannot fix you. I see your qualities, and I cannot take them in because I feel unworthy of your kindness. I heard you were still broken, and I applaud you for getting it out of you. I love you, and I understand that we are better off without each other for the time.

Your former messed-up and proud Adoptee friend