Emotions Matter

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          Yesterday was a crazy day, and emotionally draining yet a break through in how I see myself. I just did not have patience taking care of my daughter, and was strained. It is because of my inner state, I am not able to be attuned to her all the time. Or most of the time. I am thinking millions of other things, trying to get things to go MY way. I need change, I need normalcy in my life already. All this cutting people off and not having any support is driving me CRAZY. I cannot see myself mirrored if I am not with other people. Living alone in my small apartment, not meeting others. I hate to admit, but my mother was correct in that I need to be with people. Just not in the way she thinks, I need emotional support for my inner state and validation of it. So my daughter was rolling around and playing alone as I recorded myself talking into a camera, getting excited at seeing how I felt mirrored back at me, and it hit me how she was happy!! And I was the one who looked drained/ non emotional. My daughter is OKAY with me because she senses my love. But My happiness means the most to her, more than my physically being there for her. So I decided to work on myself mainly, and have her do her thing and be there for her when I am full again. Which is not at the moment.

        I think abuse comes from not being there emotionally, and then resenting the child for your inability to be happy with yourself. As Teal Swan talks about, how females these days are so suppressed with who they really are because it is seen as bad, so they covertly abuse and hate on others because that is more accepted. SO sad, because it destroys their kids.

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