Fake People Acting Righeous
All my aunts are faking it most of the time I realized. I can't believe I used to believe their fronts and buy into them, thinking I was the wrong one for not trusting in them. In reality, there was no reason for me to have trust in them aside from the fact that they were family. They showed they were not trustworthy by how they talked against other people in front of you, complained about their every situation in life eve when things were good there was cynicism as if it was normal. There was no unconditional love because the minute you sad something they didn't agree with, they shut you off and only paid attention again when you were saying something they resonated with. For example, my uncle was extremely racist and against anyone who didn't agree with him and mocked them excessively. His wife on the other hand, portrayed being a priestly human, lecturing on a daily basis to the masses. However, she was critical to a fault with everyone, and enables her husband to a fault by saying what a beautiful man he is inside just nobody but her knows that side of him. Lol. She also told me that I can't expect my mother to love me fully because she only felt loved when she got married, saying this in an overly-sugary emotional voice. She always complained about her health issues and looked ten years over her age. Her glorifying of her health problems made me think she was a saint for having illnesses, and guilty about my good health as if that made me sinner. She invited me lovingly to her house to help as if it was a privilege, and then "offered" for me to be her indentured servant as a 10 year old, doing her dishes and baking her bread. She had me in the kitchen for hours, and I remember dreading it and being desperate for time to pass, but not being able to say no because I knew she would deem it disrespectful, with her famous disapproving eyes. She looked down on people who dressed a little less modest than her, but then befriended troubled youth as if she was one of gang, confusing me even more. She looked down on anyone who was disrespectful or too proud, but then had a beautiful house and indulged on sweets and carbs all day long, saying it was her needs to have her treats. But she spent one hour on lunch and then barely paid me and tried to cut my paycheck every time she could (I worked for her, organizing her immensely messy paperwork and making material for her manufactured learning courses). This was all with seemingly angelic motives, and when I confronted her about it she claimed that I said she didn't have to pay me because I was her niece. That was BEFORE I knew what they job was, and the HOURS it took.
There is soo much more, and it drives me crazy so I will have to get it out soon. She, along with three other of her siblings, adopted children because they had infertility. She refused to acknowledged their biological mothers, and berated me for even saying I missed having a biological mother in my life and it affected me a lot. She ACTUALLY LAUGHED at me that I said it gave me low self-esteem, and said how much my mother loved me so I couldn't feel that way. She pretended to be a sympathetic, tricking me into telling her how I felt, and then mocked it. It's no wonder her oldest daughter, adopted at 10, snapped at her and does not tell her everything. And she is okay with that. She told me my mother is a perfect person basically and I CANNOT have any complaints against her because she has a fragile heart. We'll, that makes her imperfect. doesn't it? My other aunt, who adopted my cousin at 8, also gets angry when she hears his kids talking about his biological uncle and forbade him to tell them. What do these people think, that just because they want to feel like the only parents no body else can have different feelings? Ignoring reality. Now my mother acts like she is being an angel for letting me meet my birth mom, saying, "I even have no problem with her meeting N."
Other Aunt, who adopted 1 year old, was a bit more open to him feelings. But she was always overly fake, with her huge smile and sugary voice asking 101 questions ever few weeks she happen to see you, as if you were best buddies. The funny thing is, that whole side of my family including my sister and mother feels the need to act like they love you to your face but then talks about certain family members they find annoying in some ways as if that makes it their right. So they all talk about this aunt, the younger generation running from her and saying she's too friendly and fake and the older one calling her "self-centered" and only talking about her ow problems, pretending to care about yours. So one time, she wanted to hold my baby, and ignored her cries so I took my baby back to which the aunt threw hysterics how rude I was, and said, "I can't even look at you because you don't let me hold her." I explained my parenting methods and reason, and she took it wayy over the top and personal. So what can I do if she doesn't wanna listen? Not my problem. She's the grown-up. I refuse to play into her, ignoring my views. I am just not ready to give in to others, having done it for the past whole life of mine.
So these are the people I grew up looking up to. Now I find out how they are all flawed and lack personal boundary knowledge, but still when I meet them they expect me to play their game of being codependent with them. My uncle, who was always known as a loving teddy bear, would boss me around every time I came with my family, like I was his waiter and housekeeper. I now think it was because I was adopted, unlike his kids, and it made him be able to treat me as a servant/ outsider. When I had a kid and he came over to wish us well with his wife, I noticed him just watching his watch and then looking at me and my kid with dead eyes, as if another child did nothing to impress him. My aunt, of course, yodeled and hawed about how "beautiful" my baby was. I went dead inside and nodded/smiled fakely.
I guess I could always see when people were being fake, and I trained to be a perfect codependent, giving in to everyone's need to show attention and get attention back. As my mother and sister's motto is, "Just be happy, no one wants to see you sad, keep your problems to yourself, dress like a million dollars, don't look out of place." My mom dreaded weddings secretly, told me she had no patience for the fake-ness, but had me buy nice clothes and smile at the bagillion aunts and old family members I only heard of every once a year. She needed to show off her daughters and son, and their perfection. It was all to show how well she turned out. She grew up with the drive to impress them, yet told me stories of their judgmental attitudes and how she hated going to their houses. Yet she is always the first to call and visit them when they are ill and needy. I still don't get it.
I hope to NEVER make my kids believe I am perfect when I'm not, and justify minimizing their feelings. And forcing them to be a certain way when I do not feel like being that way myself. This all comes from denying the bad in yourself, and pretending it is not there. It is denial and pretending things are a certain way when they are not, making people feel gas lighted when they see reality. It is the worst way to behave in my opinion.
There is soo much more, and it drives me crazy so I will have to get it out soon. She, along with three other of her siblings, adopted children because they had infertility. She refused to acknowledged their biological mothers, and berated me for even saying I missed having a biological mother in my life and it affected me a lot. She ACTUALLY LAUGHED at me that I said it gave me low self-esteem, and said how much my mother loved me so I couldn't feel that way. She pretended to be a sympathetic, tricking me into telling her how I felt, and then mocked it. It's no wonder her oldest daughter, adopted at 10, snapped at her and does not tell her everything. And she is okay with that. She told me my mother is a perfect person basically and I CANNOT have any complaints against her because she has a fragile heart. We'll, that makes her imperfect. doesn't it? My other aunt, who adopted my cousin at 8, also gets angry when she hears his kids talking about his biological uncle and forbade him to tell them. What do these people think, that just because they want to feel like the only parents no body else can have different feelings? Ignoring reality. Now my mother acts like she is being an angel for letting me meet my birth mom, saying, "I even have no problem with her meeting N."
Other Aunt, who adopted 1 year old, was a bit more open to him feelings. But she was always overly fake, with her huge smile and sugary voice asking 101 questions ever few weeks she happen to see you, as if you were best buddies. The funny thing is, that whole side of my family including my sister and mother feels the need to act like they love you to your face but then talks about certain family members they find annoying in some ways as if that makes it their right. So they all talk about this aunt, the younger generation running from her and saying she's too friendly and fake and the older one calling her "self-centered" and only talking about her ow problems, pretending to care about yours. So one time, she wanted to hold my baby, and ignored her cries so I took my baby back to which the aunt threw hysterics how rude I was, and said, "I can't even look at you because you don't let me hold her." I explained my parenting methods and reason, and she took it wayy over the top and personal. So what can I do if she doesn't wanna listen? Not my problem. She's the grown-up. I refuse to play into her, ignoring my views. I am just not ready to give in to others, having done it for the past whole life of mine.
So these are the people I grew up looking up to. Now I find out how they are all flawed and lack personal boundary knowledge, but still when I meet them they expect me to play their game of being codependent with them. My uncle, who was always known as a loving teddy bear, would boss me around every time I came with my family, like I was his waiter and housekeeper. I now think it was because I was adopted, unlike his kids, and it made him be able to treat me as a servant/ outsider. When I had a kid and he came over to wish us well with his wife, I noticed him just watching his watch and then looking at me and my kid with dead eyes, as if another child did nothing to impress him. My aunt, of course, yodeled and hawed about how "beautiful" my baby was. I went dead inside and nodded/smiled fakely.
I guess I could always see when people were being fake, and I trained to be a perfect codependent, giving in to everyone's need to show attention and get attention back. As my mother and sister's motto is, "Just be happy, no one wants to see you sad, keep your problems to yourself, dress like a million dollars, don't look out of place." My mom dreaded weddings secretly, told me she had no patience for the fake-ness, but had me buy nice clothes and smile at the bagillion aunts and old family members I only heard of every once a year. She needed to show off her daughters and son, and their perfection. It was all to show how well she turned out. She grew up with the drive to impress them, yet told me stories of their judgmental attitudes and how she hated going to their houses. Yet she is always the first to call and visit them when they are ill and needy. I still don't get it.
I hope to NEVER make my kids believe I am perfect when I'm not, and justify minimizing their feelings. And forcing them to be a certain way when I do not feel like being that way myself. This all comes from denying the bad in yourself, and pretending it is not there. It is denial and pretending things are a certain way when they are not, making people feel gas lighted when they see reality. It is the worst way to behave in my opinion.
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