My World Is Speeding

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               I keep getting stuck in the trauma vortex of feeling hopeless and flawed, and not being able to face my seemingly humongous blocks. I think there is no point in trying, that I am terrible. The need to be better right now eats away at me, and does not let me rest. I feel expansion is trying to happen much quicker than I can face and handle, and like I am being taken on a ride that I was not ready for at all. It terrifies me but also thrills me, the face-paced changing in my life. I really do not know what to expect tomorrow or the next day, but I guess this is what growth is like- a ride of unexpected. Humility lets me admit that I am not in control, that I can only do what I can. Without humility, I am in serious trouble. Because my world feels like it's crashing around me. I am being hit on all sides with uncertainty, and no support of who I am. Only I can hold myself I am finding, and I need myself to love me.

          My main comfort is that this will all be worth it in the end, when everyone and myself see that it was all not for naught. That all my confusion and invisible suffering to the others around me had purpose and existed, not just in my head. That I have purpose, and that I am suffering for a reason. That my suffering has purpose. That the work I am putting in ultimately matters. Oh boy I hope I can continue to put in my work.

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