The Dr. Jekyll Side of Life, Which Is Real

            Trying to float in the negative feelings, reminding myself that sadness and despair isn't so bad... It's important to feel the feelings, but be able to float in them and not be in trauma vortex or flooded as Marion Rose says.... It's also imperative that we change our neuro-plasticity with good experiences if we want to heal cptsd and childhood trauma mindset as Richard Grannon says.... But how do I know how much feelings is too much and how I am reprogramming the trauma in my mind? It's a struggle. Fighting my feelings or letting them go. How much can I deal with them? The shame of not being perfect, the dread that I am wasting my life, the loneliness and emptiness inside when I feel controlled by my environment... When it's just my daughter not being able to go to sleep because I went out to the shops and left her in the carriage and she may have felt stuck and incapable of doing and now she might have that feeling her whole life because of how I treat her in that I don't let her feel competent. But she really can't clean the dishes, and can't help me make the soup. So I give her a raw vegetable stick. I wonder what babies think and feel when this type of stuff happen- where Mommy is doing housework and they are watching and grabbing dirt off the floor on the side. I was listening to Richard Grannon talk about cptsd in an old livestream, and he was saying that cptsd is born when children feel dependent and stuck with their parents and get brainwashed to think they are not good. It stung me because I was thinking that I was causing this to my daughter. He said it has to come with a good and bad treatment of the child, and he becomes trauma bonded by believing this is true. I was just playing and coddling with my daughter this morning and having a real moment of love and appreciation for her, and now here I was ignoring her and causing her shame by not including her in what I was doing. It terrified me and I feel doom inside. I couldn't help feeling that if only I had raised spirits she would be calmer, too, and see that I didn't consider myself as hurting her so she wouldn't be hurt. She would still feel happy despite my leaving her own her own but within reach if needed. But i guess I always knew that ignoring a child was bad, especially when you are aware that they feel hurt. I part of me KNOWS she is hurt, because I do ignore her a lot to focus on myself, and this is a part of my cptsd. As Richard Grannon said, that cptsd people act kind of odd and seem eccentric at times, but that is just because they are stuck in their mind trying to cope. I feel this a lot, and always felt shame for it. Especially when a friend made me feel guilty about it by implying that I did not know how to stay consistent with others. I am always terrified that my daughter experiences this with me and gets deeply hurt by me. Having children are the hardest thing in life, because they highlight ALL of your weaknesses because they NEED all of you. And if you don't see them with your FULL self, they get wounded. So you need to fully accept and embrace all your flaws and ways of treating them and apologize and recognize when you hurt them. Mothers don't get enough credit.

             Is this what life is all about? To learn to accept the bad feelings? I feel awful today and like nothing is good about me. I feel I am too dependent on food, friends, strangers, and family to mirror me and make me happy. I thought about how society condemns sins as bad and then we grow up shamed for our tendencies. And I was shamed a lot as a child inside. I felt I had to be perfect and that any desire I had was shameful. I was repressed of all desires and was yelled at for dressing "too attracting." I was put down when I wasn't connecting to G-d and it caused me to abhor connecting and feel unworthy of it. I was taught that crying and feeling sad was wrong because whenever I did I was shunned and felt like a pariah. I was made fun of for speaking my thoughts so I learned they were wrong. I am so unsure of myself now, I barely let myself do anything. And if I am not being strong and tough I put myself down mercilessly.

           I was just lying on my bed in defeat, accepting the painful feelings and thoughts, trying to stay in touch with them. It was very hard.

           I realized now, as my daughter sleeps and I have "control" over my life again, at least of my activity somewhat, that when I do what makes me happy I KNOW the difference of when I am sinking into the trauma vortex and when I am doing good. When I am already starting to fall, I don't know what action is good or bad for me to take. I had a bad dream and that foreshadowed my day, it was set in a trauma setting for me, as I was running around trying to find my place and home in it. It set me up for uncertainty and unconfidence from the start.