No Unconditional Love From My Mother

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            I realized that my mother was terrible at validating me as a person from my second session with self-differentiation life coach Jerry Wise. He asked me questions, and made me feel very heard and supported. Such as how often I feel panicked, am spaced out, get angry, mood in general, energy level, description of mother, etc. I gave him a rundown of what went on in my house, and how my mother acted. He was shocked at how she asked ME if she could divorce my Dad at age 11, and when I got upset she listened at did not, and now blames me for not having done it then. He said it was in no way my responsibility and she was basically putting her 11 year old in her own deciding. Very unhealthy. She is also codependent he said, from what he heard about her how she catered and care gave to everyone and felt that if she gave enough people would approve of her, even me. That is why she keeps giving me things, because she wants to stay in my life. It's weird to think that my own mother needs my attention. I guess that's where I got having to make others feel good all the time that I don't have my own head space when I am with others. I feel I have to please everyone and act fake a lot. Also, he validated that of course I never felt I could have a normal life because nothing was normal about my life before. With my brother having explosive fights and drama, my mother not showing me personal affection ever besides in the general sense, my father's anger problems...  I felt good hearing his understanding. He also said he saw how my mom always finds negative and brings up her agenda, by saying how she thinks things should be with me. I said I am seeing it more now and speak up for myself and see her less.  She does not love me unconditionally, as he said. She doesn't know how to. Makes sense. It was good that I now recognize my triggers with others. And I set more boundaries.

            Now I know why my daughter makes me feel not good enough. I don't know what unconditional love feels like, and am always scared of hurting her like I was hurt. But at least I know how I was.

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