Feeling nothing Makes It Hard To Be Productive
Just a weird thought that puts down where I am right now. I did pretty well without knowing that my mother cares about me. I grew up, albeit without self-confidence, and am living and well. Although self-love is my biggest struggle and I feel ex-nahilo. My daughter will still live and perhaps heal even if I do not pay attention to her for some time, like an hour or two, while I relax.
She gets so touchy when I do this though. Cries and bites me afterward. I really wonder if she's that fragile that she get's so hurt when I ignore her. It is mind boggling. Who raises a child with perfect self-esteem in the end? Don't we all struggle with that? To what degree? This universe is vastly codependent. Just like a newborn child stage when they are learning to be their own person. Can we ever really raise them with the belief that they are capable of doing things? And are loved for who they are?
I feel in abyss. I do not feel good about myself. I feel invisible to make a difference. I do not feel good about myself. I do not want to be there for my daughter in her every whim. My mind is wandering when I am with her. This is hard. I need to see that I am something. That my actions count.
I was thinking that my birth family is so interesting and colorful. I would want to get to know them better. I do not see them being desperate to get to know me. I need that. I do not feel I have grounding in society without family. To belong somewhere. I wonder how non-adoptees feel about having family? Even when they are not unconditionally accepted? I lack both things.
I want to be productive, but I have no inspiration, as Teal Swan says- you can't be productive if you have no inspiration. I need to see things as significant. I feel very insignificant. When I see how cute my daughter is, it lifts me up, but then I sometimes feel she doesn't love me and that scares me so I try to escape.
She gets so touchy when I do this though. Cries and bites me afterward. I really wonder if she's that fragile that she get's so hurt when I ignore her. It is mind boggling. Who raises a child with perfect self-esteem in the end? Don't we all struggle with that? To what degree? This universe is vastly codependent. Just like a newborn child stage when they are learning to be their own person. Can we ever really raise them with the belief that they are capable of doing things? And are loved for who they are?
I feel in abyss. I do not feel good about myself. I feel invisible to make a difference. I do not feel good about myself. I do not want to be there for my daughter in her every whim. My mind is wandering when I am with her. This is hard. I need to see that I am something. That my actions count.
I was thinking that my birth family is so interesting and colorful. I would want to get to know them better. I do not see them being desperate to get to know me. I need that. I do not feel I have grounding in society without family. To belong somewhere. I wonder how non-adoptees feel about having family? Even when they are not unconditionally accepted? I lack both things.
I want to be productive, but I have no inspiration, as Teal Swan says- you can't be productive if you have no inspiration. I need to see things as significant. I feel very insignificant. When I see how cute my daughter is, it lifts me up, but then I sometimes feel she doesn't love me and that scares me so I try to escape.
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