My "Feeling" Personality

It's 4 am. I am up mainly because I was putting my girl to sleep at 1 and then time went on. Instagram. And I figured out a big part of myself... As I was dozing off at 3. I opened eyes suddenly, and a spider was dangling on top of me harnessing its way down. I was alert in a flash, and swiped at it with a nearby material, shaking myself off everywhere. It's funny how we need to be awaken sometimes. Maybe I should clean my room and dust it a little more. Or my daughter disturbed them by jumping up to the bed frame daily and sweeping her chubby hand over the dusty surface. Every one sleeps as I write now.

I see that my identity is one that revolves around deep feeling and romanticism of life. I keep trying to catch the meaning of things, and am never satisfied in shallow things. Enneagram 4 is what it is. I think that's what makes me bare my soul and risk everything in life for doing so. My reputation and friends are second to this need. I do love it about myself, I see how I experience the most joy in being this way. I may hate it when I am stuck in the powerful well of confusion, but it helps me to focus on uncovering truth. If that makes sense. Sigh, sometimes it's really hard though. Like when I'm trying to please everyone and forget about my own needs. Which is way too often. So, I am proud of this about myself. I think it makes aspects of me interesting, like there's always more to the picture to uncover. Like, when I lost my temper at my daughter after not falling asleep even with my gentle singing, and I could no longer see her perception, I put her to the other side of the bed and focused on my self. She was watching me sadly, and as I wanted to comfort her I recognized that it went against my patience level, and I stayed with myself. My baby self that needed to be seen first because of this emergency code red time. And my daughter fussed but when I hugged her 10 minutes later, I felt more authentic and myself, ready to truly mean it. I came back to earth, and took responsibility for my actions now. 

I am working on feeling with my whole heart in actions. I spot right away when I am not "in it" these days. I am trying to clear my head and accept myself before sleep so I can wake up with a clean slate, as Ralph Smart says. John Bradshaw said when people are not integrated with their childhood stories, they talk about the abuse without feeling, disconnected and even cynical about it. As if mocking their young self. This angers me, because it means they will inflict the same abuse on their own children, replaying the story they went through. The more aware we are of our emotions from the past and how they play a part in our lives now, the more we can be objective about other's feelings and not be pulled down by them.