Dear Daughter

Dear darling daughter,

I want you to know why you are hurt. Why you feel my pain so deeply because I feel so alone. Why you are hurt by me so much every day. I have a hard time loving you because I was left by my birth mother when I was a new born. And then abandoned by my foster parents yet again at 6 weeks to be moved to another family, my adoptive family. It causes me to not trust people, and feel a great hole in me all the time. I try to fill it with love of life and myself and you, but in painful times I get burnt out. Such as when I have to be alert and active when I feel down. Or when I see you upset and feel I caused it. I get triggered and think that I am awful and worthless. I think of the worst and cannot function. It hurts me so much thinking back of how sad and hurt you were earlier today when I ignored you because I was angry at your father because of our ptsd and not noticing each other's feelings. I wanted to have someone see me, as John Bradshaw talks about normal families do. Having a true friendship where they can see each other's sides. As much as I appreciate your father, I sometimes resent his lack luster. And we spoke about our dissociation in life. And you cried sadly and shook your head back and forth like you usually do when you want to feel grounded. I did not even hug you because I felt so detached and invisible. I felt awful. I wish I can fix it and instill in you my deep love and care for you. I know you have pain from me and my moodiness and perfectionism, and you suffer when I don't understand myself. I am sorry.