Crying Out Of the Blue In My Day

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          I was moved to tears almost today a few times when I went out. First, there was this older man at starbucks that joked with the cashier about how he likes his coffee bitter, and then he smiled jovially at another woman working there and they exchanged greetings. I loved the humanity of them. But when it came to my turn, I stumbled a bit and recognized my mother's insecurity I had picked up when I acted naive and unsure of myself. I saw the serious look on his face, and felt ashamed at my awkwardness and like he thought I was scum because of my head-covering. I lowered my eyes and felt like crying.

        Later on, I went to target and almost cried with happiness when I found the coffee machines because everything I was looking for seemed right at my grasp. I felt the love of the store as if it was a hug from G-d. I felt all will be okay. Maybe I was getting a break from my confusion and not belonging in my birth family. I realized that talking with my brother about our birth parents, and almost getting validation about the need to know them, made me feel more alive and valid. Maybe my over-emotional self is not crazy. But then he cut me again by saying I was weak to need to see them and that he had better things to do. But then he switched and said that he was not stable as me to see them or speak with them now. It was all very emotional for me to hear. 

          I feel so up and down and confused all over again. When I got home I was triggered by a comment on YouTube about me being whiny because I complained about baby boomer parents being narcissistic from the video Ollie Mathews made for me, and I couldn't even focus on my daughter so I scurried around busying myself. I was seething. I felt like my mother by not caring about my daughter and guilt set in. I took deep breaths. I tried to apologize and resolve to be there for her. Sometimes the conscious is there to help us correct our way. 

         I see everything I said wrong to my brother, and all the ways he wronged me. It hurts, to be so aware. Yet know you did wrong. I want to fix everything, but I know my birth family can only chose to come together at their own will. I have to sit back and accept that I can't control others. And that I have a right to be alive, and matter. I think realizing that I am a small part in this huge picture is making me more confident. Maybe I do matter? Maybe I am real?

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