The Need To Move From Within

             It seems that every night as I lay in bed awake with regret, I ask g-d to see me and to help me, and promise to do better. I know I am not doing enough. I know I am still struggling and have a hard time being happy. I am lazy and angry and untrusting in myself, not trusting in my intuition of knowing what is best for me. I know I can be happy doing more. Every week that goes by has regret that I did too little, that I do not deserve to feel satisfied. I need to push myself out to leave this place, and to start doing what makes my heart pump more. Such as writing for a paper, and finding answers to my confusion.

          There is a saying that pride cometh before a fall. That when we are too happy, we are not growing. That only with pain can one be pushed to grow. I see this in my life. When the morning comes and everything is glowing again, I don't feel the urge to rush into moving things. I relax, even feel bored, and overindulge in pleasantries, all the while knowing something is thumping inside me and in desperation for change. For love and higher level of consciousness. I finally pushed myself today to go do what I wanted, and listen to my mood inside. And I was pleasant and even friendlier to strangers. I allowed myself to eat in a restaurant alone, something I would never do in my past. And I felt my consciousness rise a bit. I wrote something important to me.

        I feel like all my pieces of my soul are floating, waiting to be claimed by me. That is why I cannot rest, and if I do, I will fall. It is not because I am "Too happy," it is actually because I am still restless inside. I will only be able to truly be happy and restful when I find my missing pieces. Until then, it is just an illusion, and as they say, pride. When I ignore the questions gnawing within, I fall. I do not have enough substantial ground to stand on.

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