Who Are Adopted Children Really

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          Is it any wonder that the adopted child feels so unreal. Journey of The Adopted Self by Betty Jean Lifton inspired me to think about this. Reading the first few chapters and so excited with it. It speaks to my soul and resonates, being truth to me. She said that no one romanticizes mothers more than adoptees. As a blind person who tries to imagine how the sun looks upon a flower, the adopted child never experienced their mother, so there is plenty to imagine in their minds what it means. True, and why I have a hard time understanding the concept of true belonging.

       As my older also adopted sister told me, why am I sad about adoption? I should just be happy and apply the knowledge that it was for my good, and a wonderful thing that I was adopted because  she my birth mother could not take care of me properly for her life. She expected me to just not feel sad about that and deny all the pain and feelings of non-belonging and yearning for a place in the world all of my life. Every good event that I went through was never able to be fully felt because I had pain and hurt overshadowing it in the back of my mind. The pain and grief never left me or let me be, I was always one step away from disappearing from the rest of the crowd, and that fact never let me excel in any way. I always had to do more for a sense of realness, security that I mattered. 

      The thing is, you can't be whole by just staying in your mind if your emotions are not whole. I was fragmented, and she expected that I ignore it and be whole just by applying my logic in my life. While my feelings were still unrecognised. And I will keep trying to recognize them, if it takes me a lifetime. Because I will NOT give up and settle for logic, ignoring my emotional self and remaining fragmented- not really here, not there. I want to live fully- to embrace my love and self. Through all its been through, through all the more that is to come. 

       I am excited for my journey. It is not a chore to live your life if you are doing it the right way. And that is by applying your full self.

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