Divorce

I just don't know. I have a choice. I don't know why I married him. I do not feel happy here at all. Like I would much rather be alone and not see his sad bleep anymore. It's not that I hate him or don't care, it's just that I had enough. I feel like I have taken all that I could and now I ran out of space. The Rabbi asked, would you rather be alone the rest of your life than be married to him. That is a tricky question. So tricky. I do not know if my mind is playing games with me. But my heart is screaming. I FEEL LOST.

Here's the thing. I feel like I married him to prove to myself that my feelings didn't matter. I had just gotten out of an abusive relationship, and I needed to shut down the hurt part of me, so I married someone who would never trigger it. I knew he was safe. But I locked away that pained side of me, and now it just feels abandoned, and I need to let it out. So I must break away from him. Because he does not know how to see it, as I picked up subconsciously on our dating.

But I became a facade. I knew it wasn't right.  I did not want to live that way. People told me it was normal wedding jitters, but I couldn't help feeling like I was not being seen.

And he gets mad, so mad when I say this. He takes it so personally. But it is not his fault that I cannot feel seen around him. He says I never tried, and says I must take responsibility. Responsibility for what? I ask. He says, for never trying. I sigh and say how it was never there so I had nothing to try for. He says I just want to destroy everything and not live a normal, life. I sigh again. I wish I could live a healthy life, but I cannot deny my pain. I am not healthy now. He says I just want attention- that I wanted this all along. With anger and resentment in his voice. I feel shut down and numb.

How can I live a healthy life- when I was abandoned by my real parents at birth and raised as someone else's child? Not validated and felt crazy all my life. How can I just accept good situations and never need to examine my pain. I can't do it alone, and my partner is not on board with it. He expects me to just be healthy and clean, just finding joy and understanding in him with all his issues.

I am angry. Angry that no one validated this situation in my life. Aside from one Rabbi who said, damm right if you were never attracted to him you will never be able to be later down the line. Or the other Rabbi who said I had a right to my feelings of wanting to get divorced if there was no intimacy. It just depends how much you value it as a woman. Duh I value it. I am not a shell. I need love. Duh.

Thinking about it, that my daughter will not have both parents together when she gets older... I think of how absurd I sound. I, her mother, did not have ANY of my parents around. So how can I expect myself to have no needs, and be so sacrificing of myself? No one should sacrifice their happiness in life. As the Rabbi said, G-d wants us to live, and if you are not living in your marriage you need to do something about it. It was so  refreshing to hear a Rabbi saying that emotions are life.

I was flying with confidence all day, feeling self-respect for paying attention to my heart. My husband abusively said, your feelings are nothing and you never use logic. That was really really hurtful. But I was silent and held my child self's hand. I indeed have a right to feel how I do.

I still need to think about it. A part of me wants comfort of someone around, to mother me and give me money. But that's exactly what it is. I am seeing him exactly as I saw my adoptive mother. As a mere shell and not someone to connect with. I think of how I need a more.. Emotional and expressive person at my side to love - symbolizing the first mother that I lost and never dealt with. I feel at peace and ready for a new chapter. I do not know. Would I rather be alone than with him, if I couldn't get anyone new? As a scenario... If he is just the way he is now, without my ever wanting to touch him or talk about my deep pain to him, than I guess it would be better off alone. My heart keeps telling me that he is locked away from me, as much as I want to imagine him changing and suddenly validating me fully. I can not imagine it. So why stick it out, and waste my years in anger and resentment? Just like the relationship that my adoptive parents had, that imploded from the inside after decades. And he gets soo angry, blaming me for this whole thing, all my feelings. How can you blame someone for what they feel? It triggers me very much as it reminds me exactly of my adoptive mother's reactions to me throughout my childhood. Emotional flashbacks, and wanting to beat him to shut him up. But I sit gritting my teeth waiting for the storm to pass, as I did with my adoptive and biological brother so many times. He yells and does not let down. I do not know why he clings to me so much like I am a lifeline. I never felt like I did anything to deserve that status, aside from mothering his child and going on some fun trips together and preparing lunch and dinner for him, basically being his live in maid. I am so angry. He should just let go and leave me alone.

I just want to be seen.