Aware Parenting and Trauma from betrayal

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So I have this theory that my daughter needs to have the trauma of what I did to her when I was mad repeated in order to heal it. She does not look at me from close when I initiate a hug or a soft word. She starts saying random words and singing as if to distract herself from me. It hurts me very much. I guess that's why I have been avoiding bedtime or naptimes for as long as I can remember for her. Deep down I feel uneasy about our bond. I sometimes try to cover it up by over smiling at her and saying things to cover my anxiety. So tonight, after the bath we had together, I try talking to her and she insisted on squeezing my mouth and watching in fascination as I wriggled away in pain. I made funny sounds and she laughed so I did it again. Then I pushed her body away and she shrieked like I hurt her. It was way bigger a reaction than what was called for now, and I realized she had remembered the trauma of how when she cried I had pushed her away angrily over and over again a few weeks ago. I felt awful, and wondered if that was the issue of our relationship feeling off. As she bounded onto me and continued to refuse to meet my eye, I had the idea of pushing her again and watching her cry to show I saw her pain. I did it, and her look of surprised pain broke my heart. She cried pitifully, and I dejectedly wondered if she always felt this way because of how I broke her trust in me the first time I hurt her. I wondered if some things can never be fixed, just like my pain at having been given up as a baby would never go away. I hugged her tightly and told her over and over that I loved her. I would have to prove it by being there and never hurting her again. Resolve that it was not what I truly meant. 

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