Discovering My Hobbies a Bit
I cleaned my house a bit yesterday, despite my trauma-vortex state. I guess it was due to that state. I needed to "clean" things up in my outer world, because my inner one was chaotic. I felt out of control. The house looked it too. So I quickly cleaned and mopped the floors, while my little one was busy watching. Now she's obsessed with "song." I also did the beds. Felt really good.
Today, I resolved to do something outside, and we went to the library. It was deserted except for 2 other toddlers and their older mothers. I saw that they we're much more inhibited than my daughter, who shows her fiery expression. I discovered I have an affinity for reading children books with expression and happiness. Is the happiness real? I don't know. But I know my a-mother has the same chipper voice with kids so maybe I picked it up from her. I always possessed an impossibly cheery voice that made me seem overly-naive, but I know that I am no-where near that innocent. I can fool a lot of people, and I have. They think I like them very much, when suddenly I turn the other way and totally seem to forget them. It is not on-purpose, I just am very self-preoccupied because of my hyper-vigilance of trying to please others that I often forget myself and then I need to rediscover what I really feel. I do care about others, though, I know this now. I do not feel ashamed of my odd behavior anymore, because it just reflects my insecurity. I am working on accepting myself despite it. Then, maybe I will be able to change.
Meanwhile, I am enjoying life here, as best as I can. I enjoyed seeing our bond, despite her crying so much, when I went to the bathroom and left her in the children's area with the other mothers watching her. She was screaming and her face was bright red, and I hugged her and held her close. She looked like she was thinking, don't ever do that again. The other little girl came up, seeming envious of our love. She seemed to want to be included too, perhaps because she did not get it at home. I felt a little insecure, and tightly wound in my own family. But I smiled shyly at her and tried. She ran away, and I told myself not to feel bad, she did not dictate how loving I am or not.
Today, I resolved to do something outside, and we went to the library. It was deserted except for 2 other toddlers and their older mothers. I saw that they we're much more inhibited than my daughter, who shows her fiery expression. I discovered I have an affinity for reading children books with expression and happiness. Is the happiness real? I don't know. But I know my a-mother has the same chipper voice with kids so maybe I picked it up from her. I always possessed an impossibly cheery voice that made me seem overly-naive, but I know that I am no-where near that innocent. I can fool a lot of people, and I have. They think I like them very much, when suddenly I turn the other way and totally seem to forget them. It is not on-purpose, I just am very self-preoccupied because of my hyper-vigilance of trying to please others that I often forget myself and then I need to rediscover what I really feel. I do care about others, though, I know this now. I do not feel ashamed of my odd behavior anymore, because it just reflects my insecurity. I am working on accepting myself despite it. Then, maybe I will be able to change.
Meanwhile, I am enjoying life here, as best as I can. I enjoyed seeing our bond, despite her crying so much, when I went to the bathroom and left her in the children's area with the other mothers watching her. She was screaming and her face was bright red, and I hugged her and held her close. She looked like she was thinking, don't ever do that again. The other little girl came up, seeming envious of our love. She seemed to want to be included too, perhaps because she did not get it at home. I felt a little insecure, and tightly wound in my own family. But I smiled shyly at her and tried. She ran away, and I told myself not to feel bad, she did not dictate how loving I am or not.
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