Feeling More Real
Just crushing grief. I got my adoption files from the adoption agency, and it did not include my foster caregiver's information- the people who had me the first three months. Also, I only arrived to them 5 days after my birth. And I had some kind of whooping cough a few months in with them, and red "itchy" eye issues. SO my type. Poor, neglected baby. So I was just an object, a transaction, after all. My adoptive mother reported "normal" baby, and that was all, of course that's all she saw. But now I know what TIME I was born, and had a normal birth, and my mother had a normal pregnancy with me supposedly, with prenatal pills and all. I was a big baby, 8.5 pounds. And wait- I was given TWO names- only one which I had known. The other was a weird name popping out of the paper, lifeless until I now that I uncovered it.
I sit here unemotional, unsure of what I feel. I would go on my day like all was normal, but I have this lump of anger that just popped out of nowhere when my daughter was acting up. I pushed her hand hard, and she didn't seem to notice the anger because my face was not in her sight, and she kept screaming "song" as usual. I feel helpless and unable to move. I really do not know what my life is anymore. Where I will go from here. I made an ancestry tree, and ordered the DNA test, so that felt nice too. I cried with happiness and grief when I found out my real birth great grandmother's name, whom my daughter is named after. I smiled when I noticed that she was buried right next to her husband. They can rest in peace as I struggle, trying to find my way back to them and myself. I was torn apart like a limb from my family tree, and now I am starting to feel more real.
I spoke to my birth father to tell him the news of my "new" name, and he said he has no idea who it came from, but my mother might know, very casually. I said, "yeah" flatly and that was it of the subject, he didn't seem that interested. He said what else is new. I had nothing. He said he's at work, but to call him later please. I waited till 3:30 to call my mother, after she gets home from work, and asked her straight off about the name. She said she doesn't remember, and I told her about the not knowing who my foster parents were, and she said okay and asked what was going on with me now. I choked out about trying to find a job for my husband, and she wished me luck and sounded like she was ready to go. She said "Love you," and I choked cheerfully, "Thanks.. you too." I sounded as I felt- flat as a board. I don't know what to feel.
I sit here unemotional, unsure of what I feel. I would go on my day like all was normal, but I have this lump of anger that just popped out of nowhere when my daughter was acting up. I pushed her hand hard, and she didn't seem to notice the anger because my face was not in her sight, and she kept screaming "song" as usual. I feel helpless and unable to move. I really do not know what my life is anymore. Where I will go from here. I made an ancestry tree, and ordered the DNA test, so that felt nice too. I cried with happiness and grief when I found out my real birth great grandmother's name, whom my daughter is named after. I smiled when I noticed that she was buried right next to her husband. They can rest in peace as I struggle, trying to find my way back to them and myself. I was torn apart like a limb from my family tree, and now I am starting to feel more real.
I spoke to my birth father to tell him the news of my "new" name, and he said he has no idea who it came from, but my mother might know, very casually. I said, "yeah" flatly and that was it of the subject, he didn't seem that interested. He said what else is new. I had nothing. He said he's at work, but to call him later please. I waited till 3:30 to call my mother, after she gets home from work, and asked her straight off about the name. She said she doesn't remember, and I told her about the not knowing who my foster parents were, and she said okay and asked what was going on with me now. I choked out about trying to find a job for my husband, and she wished me luck and sounded like she was ready to go. She said "Love you," and I choked cheerfully, "Thanks.. you too." I sounded as I felt- flat as a board. I don't know what to feel.
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