In Pit of Despair- Illusions of Life

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           I keep floating between overwhelming. crushing darkness and bits of light. This weekend was hell and heaven all rolled into one. I met some people who were very understanding and validating, yet at the same time indifferent and making me feel like another number in the world. It crushed me because I was left feeling isolated, again. I was not prepared for the grief of isolation, which I live in usually, and it is easier when it is my main reality. When I was living with a notion of validation, I lost myself. Those awful moments of staring at my phone with no messages, no calls or people remembering me. It is hell trying to live truth in this life, it is so rare. I want it, I want love but I am having hell trying to get it.

          Mark Smith helps me by saying you are going to feel fear, overwhelming pain of trying to overcome terror. The pain comes from trying to face the horrifying anxiety of your infant mind when you were facing being annihilated. This happened to me, being adopted and abandoned over and over.

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