Outside Reflects Inside Again

          Nobody can save you but yourself. I was trying to be made to feel better by my husband again yesterday, and therefore felt justified in blaming him for my stuck life. He defended himself vehemently, saying he was trying and he had a hard time being "up" and that was why he always seemed out of space, on his phone to "relax." I said that he needed to get help and stop hiding behind me to feel good, that I would not be here for him forever if he didn't shape up. I said I needed someone who was happy and "normal," but even as I said it I realized that I was the one who had the down feelings and could not blame him for my painful feelings. It was hard to swallow. I sat on the bed feeling hopeless, and he was quiet too. There was nothing else to say, we both had to work on our pain in order to feel alive. To feel purpose and strength and hope in life. Running away from him would not help, because the pain and need to fill it would still be there. Gotta keep pushing to change things.

        The fact that I was seeing his laziness and depression and it was affecting me meant I had it in me too. Otherwise I would be able to handle it and not try to force him to be up.