Seeing How it's Normal to Show That You Care with Strangers

I went to the rehab center to visit my father, and I got some new insights about myself. I had a healthy no-carb breakfast, and felt good about going because I felt guilty for ignoring him all month. I knew he enjoyed my visits, and I did too when I do not have the feeling of being forced to feel something I do not. I honestly just pity him now, and want to show appreciation for all he gave to me in my childhood even though it was not enough. I see how emotionally incapable he was and is. Who knows, maybe I harbor resentment... But in a way I do not want him to pass without my acknowledgement, I know I would feel horrible.

So I went and found him in the dining room, a rare instance for him to be out of his room and "social." I was happy and smiled at him and he gave me a toothy, happy grin back and to my daughter, too. We sat listening to the music, which I remembered him enjoying in the past. He was so happy that I brought him ice cream, and out of pure kindness I gave my own small vanilla one to the older fellow next to him, who truly looked like he could use a smile. He gratefully took it. I see how these older people and my father are reversed to the mental age of children, just living off other's kindness and in the present, without much effort to do anything in life. I felt bad for them, and tried to imagine myself in that place. I knew I would not be happy there, but they seemed to tolerate it pretty well. My father listened to my stories and barely spoke about anything, as I was used to. I did not feel the old urge to "make him feel good," and focused on coming from my own place. I started to enjoy living presently with them, and saw that I could learn humility from them because they did not feel strong or powerful at all, and were just stuck in place.

I asked a doctor/worker there about how to get to another room in the connecting hospital, and he told me even calling me dear. I felt very good, appreciating the show of humanity. I wondered about people letting their "masks" down, and the nurse in the elevator smiled amicably. I froze inside, and smiled back nervously, scared she would sense my distrust. But I noticed the feelings and where they came from, not feeling so ashamed for them. I just did not have the tools to react properly. I knew I cared about people, and tried to convey it. When a doctor came in and looked cheerfully at my baby and me, calling her buddy, I knew I was giving off a good vibe and tried again. It did not come off so friendly, so I just smiled awkwardly. I became embarrassed and nervous at how I looked. He attempted at conversation about his own baby, and I tried to converse back. Oh well, that one went bad.

But I realized that my mannerisms do make a difference, and showing true care in this world is rare but important. I need to learn how to do this more effectively, to truly acknowledge others. Everyone struggles, and can benefit from human connection. I see how beliefs of others feeling connected comes from my own.

I kept thinking about the Florida shooter, and how if only he would have known that people cared. Since I know about that pain, of not feeling belonging anywhere and no body understanding, I can truly empathize with others. And they NEED it to make them feel like a person sometimes. Just as I used to. And still do.