A Bit Bitter about my Origins

I am a bit angry with myself. When I spoke to my birth parents last night. I was too codependent and filling the role they expected. Too quiet and trying to be a bandage to them.

I called my father, and he was like I missed you and am glad you called. I said bashfully and untruthfully, "Oh thank you don't mention it." The truth is, I have no idea if he means it. It does not resonate with me. Thinking of all my wallowing and pitiful days as I heard his voice say, "So, how's it going?" I stuttered, "G-great!.. U?" Ugh. He wants it to be good so I act the part. He told me he was with my birth mother, sitting on the couch. That evil woman. She called in her high-pitch voice, "Hi ---- how ARe you?" In her usual manner, sounding like she could burst into cascades of tears. I screeched, "HI! GOOD!" On the top of conflicted, resentful, confused feelings. I said nothing. They said nothing. A person in the background asked "How was the weather?" Like a referee trying to facilitate communication lines. In this awkward physical, 3D reality where children and parents are separated mercilessly in the name of "what's best." For society. Yeah right. So, I did not do my usual tactics of maintaining peace, and thought of maddelinehattuer1 blog in how the birth parents are not going to raise any lovey feelings in the adoptee, after all the years of cluelessness and conscious memory loss of them. I was myself. My birth mom felt the uncomfort, as she is hyperaware of due to her own adoptee status, and did damage control hurriedly because she couldn't stand my vulnerability and perhaps anger/conformation to codependent way I was brought up. She said, "Oh alright, well speak to you. (Conversation adjourned.) Let me know if you need money. (That won't help much I say inside.) Bye we love youuu!! (Suure. Whatev you say.)"

I am bitter. Yes call me bitter. I am letting myself be known, and I am bitter.

I woke up with regret. I should have been myself, been up right and confident. Isn't that what I always preach? They didn't want to hear it, screw them. I could have hung up like bye this is awkward. I hate talking to him when she is there, cuz she said she was angry when I spoke to him too much last time. Screw her, she did nothing to invite my interest in her besides leaving me and being a victim. And still never talks to me with interest in her voice. At least he does. Although I still have a bit of resentment to him. It's complicated... Why I want to talk to him. About shallow life. He is nu genes, and I like him a bit. She gets me nervous.