Over-idealizing Life

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Life is really hard I am coming to realize. We sometimes over idealize it and expect it to be pretty and wonderful and neat, like the way we idealize our parents as children. Well we do the same thing about life, because it is easier to face. But deep down something is wrong.

I used to get freaked out from that phrase - something is wrong. Or that's creepy. I guess I was scared of the truth. I hid it locked up in a tight box in the bottom of the closet in my basement. All I allowed to show was sunshine and roses.

It hurts to think I may be causing my daughter the same pain. The same idealization of life. Because I screamed today at my husband and felt worthless with him. I felt like he didn't see me, and got mad and didn't let him defend himself because he was not seeing me. It hurt all over again like knives scraping my insides. Just thinking about it makes my eyes pinch with tears. I guess we had too much time together. We need to become leas enmeshed and more our own people. I told him that I feel we don't see the greatness of each other, and I don't feel appreciated for who I am.  He said sorry and is not used to doing it. All along my daughter was running around doing her own thing. I don't know how she feels but it must be bad.

I try talking to her now at night. I see from her way of running away from it is what I did. It is scary how kids are so vulnerable. That is why we have a hard time accepting painful feelings in adult life because we had a hard time as kids. And so the jolly play continues. Until reality hits and it feels like hell.

To face the pain. The crippling self-doubt and uncertainty. To trust ourselves.

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