Point of Life is Delaying Instant Gratification

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Here's the thing. I do not feel real and my whole day is about trying to. I don't want to run from my feelings with instant gratification because that feels inauthentic and frankly, like I'm not really living. So it is hell at times. My daughter really highlights this pain, because I feel bad about myself every time I tend to my needs over hers.

I think the point of life is to practice delaying instant gratification. Learning to do the right thing and feel like you are helping others. When we keep taking from life, we are losing opportunity to give to others. And giving is what we were put here to do, in order to share parts of our souls with others. This brings true happiness.

I know I am being preachy. It is the truth, though. So I am trying to reach it. I see that it is so hard for me because I do not feel real. I can only give when I am fully in it. And most days, I just feel like being selfish and ignoring others. It is painful to see and live this way. I try to devote some time to cooing to her and showing interest, and I see she needs it. Feel guilty for not doing so more. But I don't feel real. Get sooo stressed when I can't have my needs. Roller coaster life.

I sometimes feel like she truly feels hated by me because I look at her needs as a bother. If I shame her for her needs, she will also have a hard time delaying gratification. Just as I do now because I felt shamed for my needs as a baby and child.

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