The Outside Is Always A Projection Of Inside

I realized that I can only be affected by judgements if I am feeling them myself. Obviously but I need to learn it time and time again to free myself.

I see that when I am falling, I do not have strong boundaries from the outside world and sentiments in my head that get me. For instance today with my baby, I saw how I had projected onto her yesterday that she felt uncared for because I was busy with cooking. I was stressed because I felt selfish for wanting to make good food. I judged myself so I did not feel I had a right to enjoy myself.

So today, I set it clear for myself my priorities of what I wanted to do most, and did not judge myself. I saw she was relaxed and okay playing by herself. I did not freak out when she wandered outside for a bit, confident that she could watch herself. The Continuum Concept :). Anyway she is more relaxed now and went to sleep. The minute I start to doubt myself I tense up and I feel it in my body. I have lackluster for doing what I need to. So I learned to talk to myself inside.

Also, major story today. I went to the grocery and was feeling a bit strange because I had gone a bit too casual, with an old head barret. I felt awkward and let the atmosphere intimidate me. My face kinda drooped and I clutched my daughters waist in the carrier and looked about fretfully. Suddenly I saw a teenager look at me and laugh to her friend at me as I passed by. I felt overwhelmed with painful emotions. Past shame about myself as I did not belong in the crowd of my classmates. It was like a flashback of emotions. I breathed and tried to pacify myself with self assurance. But I felt indignant and hurt so I decided to say something.

I walked behind her and I saw her snicker again about me! I froze and got ready. Amidst my husband's chatter I looked her in the eye and said steadily, "Are you laughing at me?" To which she froze and snapped her head forward. I said with shooting pain, "Please don't laugh, it's not nice." Her face was crimson and I saw that she had felt it. The flash in my eyes had burned her. I felt guilty, but better. My heart soared and I soaked in self-respect. Tiny guilt nibbed at me. I felt pity for her and saw my own awkward teenagehood and needing to feel important so looking down on others. It was not right, though and I think I taught her a lesson. Or traumatized her. I think she got a sense of my insecurities and my need for acceptance. It was true though. She learned that I am not some stick figure that she can knock down. My insecurities deserve dignity.

I learned that it is amazing how people think they can cut others down just because they represent something they do not want to see. We are ALL our own projections we see others with. Hurting others is like only seeing half a picture. It's time for everyone to wake up and accept all kinds of people. The more we understand our own inner workings, the more we can accept other people's imperfections.

I am learning this with my husband too, I judged him today for not thinking and only doing, and he exasperated defended himself and said let me breathe. I was busy preparing, but I do think and feel all the time. I was just thinking about my pain and childhood. I was happy and chided him that he reminded me of cookie monster the way he reacted with his hoarse yelling. A little humor eased the tension and I felt better. When we don't control our own selves we try to control others. Lesson.