Love From My Birth Mom

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I received a letter from my birth mother, with her usual check. I was feeling lost, so I appreciated it. Everything was running around my head, reading Zara Phillips' new book Somebody's Daughter and seeing myself in it, through the pain of self-numbing and having to prove myself to everyone... Realizing only I can help myself. I had texted her a long message about my plight and our similarities, and she did not answer. I guess my desperateness was off-putting. I felt like an ultimate failure with no achievements in life, and I doubted I would ever have any. I felt like a narcissist devaluing myself. I got angry as well at my husband for expecting me to make him happy, or so I projected, and I snapped at him. I could not feel for him. I wondered if I was too optimistic to think I would stay with him and make it, unlike Zara who ran away from her marriage because she could not give herself to someone. I was the same way, but optimistic that at least I was honest about it with him. But maybe he was just too weak to stand up and leave me, think he deserved more? Was he too clingy and got on my nerves too much, as it was in her case? He didn't look to anyone else for affairs, though.

I read my mother's letter, about the weather and some new occurrences, and her end of wanting her to call when I got it. I washed my hands from the bad smell on the paper, and begrudgingly called her. She was hesitant as me,  but we carried a back and forth and my heart lightened. I felt happy that my mother actually cared about me somewhat. I had forgotten that that was possible. I smiled and pulled out a "You too" when she said she loved me.

It made me think, I really was starting my life from chapter two, not knowing I was loved by my birth family. Not knowing I had a place on the family tree.

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