Birth Mother Adoption Issues

My daughter loves me unconditionally. I see that when I take care of myself and stop with self blame. I see things more clearly. I went to visit my birth mother at work and she went home early with me. I was trying to be real. I felt a sense if empowerment when I was open and serious,  like my speech and feelings finally matched. The awkwardness felt was expected and had a place. I told about adoption trauma and people not validating it. I asked about her adoptive mother and said she was cruel to not mention or try to help her keep her babies. She said yea. I said how I felt unloved. I even started crying. She told me about her first child how her husband was abusive but she left him and her daughter with him but he screamed at the child so they took her to her parents house. I felt sad to hear. She wanted her own kids but mother didn't see her fit to raise them.

She said I should feel good I had a husband and kid when I cried. Really., I chose that. I'm still allowed my feelings. I told her how my birth sister feels adoption is not a big deal and she considers me a friend, and she said she's okay. I said how do you feel that she turned you away when you brought clothes to her house (and her adoptive mother let you into her room!) and she said I'm glad she's happy with her family but of course I love her and know she loves me.

I didn't feel complete but at least she cares. I realized no one is really in control. I feel very unsure of things. My daughter is cute how she said "tie scarf" and put it on her head. I like seeing how she has my behavior and silliness and carefree sense.

I was so angry at my great uncle for being unsure about visiting my birth mother because I told him I may leave early, so I told him my mother needs him because he is her only roots and that I'd stay as long as he needed. Thankfully, he decided to come and booked a ride tonight.

I told mother about adoptee issues from being abandoned as a newborn or baby, how it never goes away, and she listened. She's not very expressive but she accepts things. I find it unreal to think that she is my mother. It feels very sad. That she is so unsure of herself. She said the court kept taking her kids away, and said strongly that she didn't want to talk about her mental illness. I feel sad now.