Rant Against Siblings

-

Rant. Why do I keep feeling like I have to take everyone's anger and hate at me and not love myself? Why when I talk to my brother does he act like a jerk and then I think it's my fault so I take it personally? Why is he such a beephole??! Why does he treat me like I am the worst person in the world? Why do I not ignore him from now on or yell at him? Why do I take his behaviour as a cause of my own shortcoming and take the blame? Why let him get away with it?? Why can't he deal with his own issues and not hate me so much? Why when I text my birth sister to meet up does she ignore my texts but then I see she was on whatsapp and probably talking to my brother about me? Why am I so paranoid? Why do I feel so insignificant that the minute they reject me I feel it is because of me? Why are they so moody? Why do I get so hurt when the hostess ignores me? Or tells me I can't go up to their house when they are being away for two days, and then I feel like it's because she thinks I am a germ or a parasite that snoops around? Why do I get so depressed when my daughter represses her feelings from me because I looked away from her after I was playing and smiling so I fear that she feels hurt? Because she shrieks when I actually come close to hold her as if I am so mean that she doesn't trust my love? Because I take it back a second later but really it's because I obsess about my plans instead of acting care free? And then I can't even get out because she didn't sleep enough? Why why why is every one so moody and project things onto me? I never meant to be rude to him or her. I am exasperated. Now I am being rude to my daughter because I am on my phone while we are walking and going back and forth to stores to find something to do until my sister answers. But she didn't and now I am going back to feel doomed cuz my daughter will need to nap and I will have to face what I did and her feelings. Why do I feel like my feelings are wrong and bad? Why do I feel like a fraud unless I am in a happy mood? Aaaaarghhh.

Nothing is happening although it feels like it. Look around and see that everything is okay. Adoptee affirmation.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Insanity

-
          I am so angry. When did everything become so okay? When did emotions become so evil? Why are people so evil? I was pushed down all my life, and gas lighted by every one I know. I am beyond angry, I want to scream until everyone can hear me and get shaken up to their core like I was. Unless they really are not human, and are just masking it in their human bodies. Pretending to be happy, pretending to care, pretending to smile. When all their lives they were just LYING. Lying to me that they were right and I was always wrong. I was never able to feel my feelings. They were always bad and stupid and immature and petty and silly, well I almost died from them, does that satisfy them now? When it all blows up in their faces and they are left shocked with ugly disfigures. HA!          Omg I sound insane, crazy, delusional, straight up retarded.          I don't know what I was meant for in this life, but it...
Read more

Projecting Our Inner Fragmentation on Others Makes Us Need To Control Them

-
We can only change others if we are whole inside. Otherwise, they will sense that we are trying to control them... For our own sake. To make us feel better about our own blocks. I realized this as I was trying to make new friends. I wanted validation for who I am... But I get confused with how much I want. I know that I need to have self-love first because then I am just relying on others for my self-worth. To make me feel good about my shortcomings. And then it usually falls flat, because they cannot fully contain all my issues. Joe Soll my adoption therapist, told me that a husband or wife cannot be a therapist to one another. That makes perfect sense, because they need to live alongside each other, and not constantly dealing with each other's issues. I guess, I confess, that I have been trying to change other people in every relationship in my past. I did not accept their differing viewpoints, because I felt so in lack myself, and thought that I had to get other's approval...
Read more

Finally Accepting Myself

-
I am realizing more now that my daughter is affected by my withdrawing because I can’t focus and be present, and I am lacking seriously in love. It comes from the lack of love for my certain parts, thinking they are unlovable. It scares me when I see her talking on and on to me, trying to extract attention from me in neediness to be seen. It also worries me when I see her not feeling comfortable to eat, because I am not paying attention to her and making her feel comfortable. I worry that she hides her pain of not being loved because I am impatient and short with her at times, I guess because my own inner self was not loved enough at her age. She also tries to hand me back food, as if imitating me trying to please her. I also realized that my intake of not the healthiest foods, like corn cakes and cheese, teaches me to want them also, and then I give them to her those kids of food and keep salad and fruits for myself, while she just nimbles on them. This makes me realize that I am no...
Read more