Watching Others And Not Engaging

I didn't see my hosts the next day, going to eat by an old friend. Her mother is too aggressively helping and caring to me, seeing me as an orphan or sad person. It makes me uncomfortable because I realized that she never truly got me. I used to spend time in their house since I was 4 years old, my mother dropping me off.

In my childhood friend's house, I took my hostess' advice and stayed cool. Preserve my energy. I saw that they were different in mindset and wouldn't see me. The parents screamed hyperactively at my daughter and played with her in a babyish way that made her uncomfortable, and she got tense but listened a bit. The mother had no patience for reading to my daughter so she changed the subject and said run outside and my daughter went. I felt uncomfortable when the mother tried to get me to say what was good about them from when I went as a child, it felt like she was a needy person. My old friend also seemed very dependent on others, and didn't want to get into babies emotions at all and just rocked her newborn and got terrified when she cried. Both of them stood over the baby trying to figure it out. I felt sick and excused myself to go. I especially did not trust when the mother wanted to spend time with me outside talking so I avoided it. I couldn't believe that this was the family I spent so much time with in my childhood, and trusted them that they cared. And I even visited a lot as a teen when I traveled back. It showed that I was disconnected from people and never expected to truly be heard. When she said it was sooo nice to have you and you're soo sweet, I didn't trust it and said straight thanks and went off. I didn't feel as bad about myself as I would have in the past, for my feelings not matching.

Later, after my daughter napped and I was antsy, running out of things to think and lonely, I decided to go to walk. I sensed my daughter's tension. We went out and she sat in the stroller. We went passed my childhood house, and I felt tears coming. I knew my past would never be the same now that I knew the truth. That it was all pain for me mostly. I crossed the street where my father's sister and her husband lived for decades, stuck in their lives. I decided to visit, thinking of my poor father and their lives. My daughter said my father's name as we went up the stairs, and I was amazed. She may have sensed what I was feeling. They opened and shrieked with joy to see me. It felt sincere but a bit too much. They brought treats and at first my daughter cried from fear of them, but them seemed to like them. The husband kept acting really silly with my daughter, exclaiming you're soo cute!! It worried me. But then I realized he was just happy. And childish perhaps. My aunt smartly said we should ignore my daughter and she'll warm up. After a while my daughter started enjoying herself, and my aunt said she was so cute and toddlers who are given love are cuter. I agreed and said they are confident and happy. My aunt seemed happy and zealous, very herself. Talking about her life and we got into discussions of my family. How my parents got divorced. How she knew my mother was bad for my father before we left and tried to tell him but he shrugged it off. I sensed resentment, but didn't try to fix her. Added my own feelings about my mother. It was a bit off kilter, but we managed to enjoy one another and she felt like a good side of home. When I told her about my feeling unloved as a child, they said my brother was spoiled and I was neglected, just like her husband how he grew up with a spoiled sister- and now she can't function on her own. Also, they said that adopted kids needed more love and my mother couldn't give it. It felt soothing. She was warmer than my family, and told me good memories about her warm grandmother. She said my father was heavily depressed, and it was because he didn't work and was embarrassed of himself. She couldn't call him and felt there was no connection. It was the truth. More than my mother ever said. She spoke about the past and agreed on how my mother was not very warm. Wanted more of an outward helping others life and my father needed more family time. She was very biased. But it felt good to have validation about my mother's impersonal ways. She understood about never feeling accepted in the family as an adoptee, but said I had to push my way because the family was a bit cold at times. They listened when I spoke about my birth family, but not much. They seemed to treasure me as family. I left when my other cousin whom I really don't vibe with came with her daughter.

I got a new perspective on my relatives, that although they did not understand boundaries much and feel need to caretake even when they can't, they are truly warm. And I told my aunt this, that it made me happy to know that my father's warmth was from a true place. She felt sorry for my past. I did not feel like a fraud for the first time in her house. She even said my adoptive sister was indeed a bit closed off and had her issues, but that everyone had their personalities. This I didn't like, how she excused bad behavior such as my father's childishness as "so what? He is who he is." But she was a bit needy and enmeshed with ideas of people. I said goodbye and she asked me to call her and I thought I would.

My shadow side was at play yesterday, and I needed to listen to it. It wanted recognition and validation, and it is not bad. I just need to learn about it more, not ignore and repress it. Most people I see are not even aware of their shadow side, and therefore it controls them. Such as, they think they are perfect and are ashamed of their imperfections and try to pretend it doesn't exist. But it is subconscious and they can't hide from it. Learning about your past traumas helps understand yourself and process it, to let it go. They are stuck in shame from childhood, and therefore refuse to admit their flaws because see them as gastly. But interestingly, when I spoke up yesterday they were able to understand right away, perhaps because I was tough about it. When people help others from their own need it is because they see their pain in others and need to fix it subconsciously, but do not know how to in themselves. It is sad that people would go so far to hide from themselves, to only be able to see the pain in others. Such as my hostesses, my birth brother, etc. They are young and needy inside. I am on the outside cuz I bring it out to light. I was right that I needed to understand others in order to feel loved, but I cannot try to understand those who do not want to be understood yet. I feels freeing.