Things Are Going Well, and Being Truthful in Relationships

My daughter is so cute she copies things I do, even the slightest thing such as putting her hands on her face as she eats like I did just now. When I scratched my face she did it too. Imagine how much more she picks up on from me, such as speech and tone of voice... It is scary.

Yesterday, she was singing in bed snippets of all these songs that I hum in the past. It was like a mashup. I guess she likes the songs.. We were listening to "Say Something" which is her favorite it seems, and she said the line "I'll be the one" from the lyrics... And it made my heart melt. We are so alike.

On the bus to signing our new home, and then headed to mountains for our semi-decent hotel stay. I am tired but excited about things. I know they say when the times are good, people can drift and not be grateful or think about their growth. I see that, and am trying to stay in touch with who I am. Maybe it's in my very identity to be down and feel lost, because of my childhood of feeling never enough stored in subconscious... So it is hard for me to accept a nice, enjoying vacation. I do want to grow through so I won't forget my self. There is always going to be pain, which I cannot ignore. Even though I am in a more relaxed environment. I still have things to do with my life.

It is nice now, sitting next to my daughter on an almost empty but she is happy. It scares me how she still does not like looking at me directly when I try to be serious with her. Maybe it is me and my tone of fear? I need to consult with someone. I do like that she is happy and calm like me.

The more we know ourselves the more we can give over to another person, and have more deep connections. I was thinking of the divorce rate, and the fact that most people today just do not want to see deeper into themselves and take responsibility for their emotions. I am lucky that I get to do that with my husband, and hopefully it creates an everlasting bond. We have trust and unity. I heard that in this month the beginning half is ruled by sun, and the end half is ruled by moon, so in the middle there is unity of the two. Just like opposites attract, which is an ideal union. Because the most love can happen that way. When people can accept others emotions, and feel fully seen for who they are, that is.

The problem comes when people feel ignored or not heard. It creates a split between them, and if it starts early on the person learns to accept it as the norm. We need to wake up and start realizing that our emotions and other's emotions are the bases to any relationship. Even a small exchange with a stranger, or a clerk in the bank. Even a smile or body language in public affects how people see you. It is very important to therefore pay attention to every nuance you do, so you can connect how others see you. And notice their behavior and mannerisms as well. This is so important, and I do not understand how people can ignore body language and tone so easily. Why yesterday, I was shopping for a cooler to store our food with my husband, and was very happy to learn it was half priced because we really could not afford it. I noticed that the cashier had issues with us, becAuse he avoided my eye and did not act very nice. I in turn felt it was out of my boundaries to be treated that way and listened to my feelings about it. My husband just tenses up every time we are in a store with other people, because he feels so traumatized by it because of his past. I tell him that I see that and he gets defensive but knows it. So we left and I felt intact because I did not smile or thank them as I usually do. I was just not up for it as I was hurt.

With my new friend from a couple months ago, I picked up that she does not validate my feelings of adoption as central to my personality... And although we have had important conversations about G-d and acceptance, I still feel off with her. Like something is missing big time. I try to help her out and understand her but it feels like she is a bit closed off about emotions. So She keeps running after me, even though she moved away. She visits town to see friends and had a wedding, so she wanted to meet up. I did once. But it was too tiring for me the next day and the next so I didn't get to see her. My baby's sleep schedule did not allow it. But I still tried, because of my own desperation for human company. She seems to think we are very close, sending me texts about how we need to still visit one another after I move. I did not answer. I will when I am interested. I am not forced to be friends with anyone. Yay.

I love how my daughter freely holds onto me and hugs me. It's also amazing to me how she knows so many words andr can help me with taking out garbage when I didn't ask, because she knows when I do it usually. It's cute how she understands new things and I take out library books for her that I find cute and she loves to read them and interpret them as she sees. Such as, she called flowers "trees" and I did not outright correct her but waited a while and then told her they were flowers. Or she saw a shadow of a woman's head and called it "frog" for some reason haha. I tried to figure out why and realized it kinda resembled an animal. She calls tomatoes or red circles apples, and remembered when we got to the page where I read "baby smells nice" and said it. It is so cute how she saids "Uh-oh a button!" Like my husband read to her once.

I guess it's important for me to realize that I can be happy and in harmony with my surroundings. It is hard to accept harmony because I am so used to strife and war. Maybe it is in my genes too, obviously actually. Sigh.