I won't Stop My Fight
Confusion is everywhere for me. I want to be there for myself but everything I want to do seems selfish and bad. It makes me so hopeless.
Like honoring your parents. I don't want to call my Mom because it brings up old beliefs of me being helpless, and good for nothing. When she asks me how I am, and I say I'm good, just staying in today, she pauses and I hear her thinking that I'm depressed so that makes me a boring person. Or when she criticizes my parenting, such as how I carry my baby a lot instead of using the carriage which she hates, my Mom tusks and comments about how I will hurt my back.... It just makes me scream inside.
Or when I want to be creative, but tell myself that I have nothing to say because in order to be something worthwhile of reading, you need to have interesting articles with proofs and inspirational talks the majority of the time.
When did I become my worst enemy? Well, when I was too small to remember, but still. It's really difficult to live like this,
I believe in this generation, we are all very lost and egotistical because we were not celebrated as children for the inherent beauty we all have in us. What was focused on in us was the exterior, the talent, the DOING, the outer beauty. Slowly, our insides died a little more, until we were a speck in the dust. Many of us took it, and ran with the pressure of the external world.
But some of us, the fighter ones, knew that there was a battle there. We toughened our little swords inside and, whether it was then, or for the future, promised ourselves that we won't give up, that we will stand for ourselves and fight until we defeat.
For me, this promise was realized not too long ago. I sat up in bed, and my inner fighter screamed a piercing shout that pierced my world from my heaven, and said, "You need to be!! Honor me already!"
Sobbing, and with all my might through the sweat and blood, I poured out my testimony to my husband. I said, "No more of this faking! It's time for the real war to begin. Are you with me or without me?"
He responded as if I had just whispered, and my inside burst into tears. I stared straight ahead in shock, too numb to feel the massive pain that he had caused me. I refused to give up, and I persisted in telling him my story, over and over without stopping to pause, to make the impact I was hoping for. It finally worked, after a few months of toil. I now had a partner in crime.
But I still won't stop, until EVERYONE around me understands my Mission. It is something so intangible, but so powerful, that I always knew it was going to be this way. That I had something in me that no body knew, or cared to know. But now, since I I I I I care, they will have to care. And if they don't, I will not bow to their wishes of my keeping it out of sight, Because it is ME. If you want to eradicate ME, then go ahead and disregard my TRUTH. But until then, I will keep on fighting.
A Lone Adoptee Soul
Like honoring your parents. I don't want to call my Mom because it brings up old beliefs of me being helpless, and good for nothing. When she asks me how I am, and I say I'm good, just staying in today, she pauses and I hear her thinking that I'm depressed so that makes me a boring person. Or when she criticizes my parenting, such as how I carry my baby a lot instead of using the carriage which she hates, my Mom tusks and comments about how I will hurt my back.... It just makes me scream inside.
Or when I want to be creative, but tell myself that I have nothing to say because in order to be something worthwhile of reading, you need to have interesting articles with proofs and inspirational talks the majority of the time.
When did I become my worst enemy? Well, when I was too small to remember, but still. It's really difficult to live like this,
I believe in this generation, we are all very lost and egotistical because we were not celebrated as children for the inherent beauty we all have in us. What was focused on in us was the exterior, the talent, the DOING, the outer beauty. Slowly, our insides died a little more, until we were a speck in the dust. Many of us took it, and ran with the pressure of the external world.
But some of us, the fighter ones, knew that there was a battle there. We toughened our little swords inside and, whether it was then, or for the future, promised ourselves that we won't give up, that we will stand for ourselves and fight until we defeat.
For me, this promise was realized not too long ago. I sat up in bed, and my inner fighter screamed a piercing shout that pierced my world from my heaven, and said, "You need to be!! Honor me already!"
Sobbing, and with all my might through the sweat and blood, I poured out my testimony to my husband. I said, "No more of this faking! It's time for the real war to begin. Are you with me or without me?"
He responded as if I had just whispered, and my inside burst into tears. I stared straight ahead in shock, too numb to feel the massive pain that he had caused me. I refused to give up, and I persisted in telling him my story, over and over without stopping to pause, to make the impact I was hoping for. It finally worked, after a few months of toil. I now had a partner in crime.
But I still won't stop, until EVERYONE around me understands my Mission. It is something so intangible, but so powerful, that I always knew it was going to be this way. That I had something in me that no body knew, or cared to know. But now, since I I I I I care, they will have to care. And if they don't, I will not bow to their wishes of my keeping it out of sight, Because it is ME. If you want to eradicate ME, then go ahead and disregard my TRUTH. But until then, I will keep on fighting.
A Lone Adoptee Soul
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