"Selfish" Shaming
Selfish.
That is one of the spiritual teachings that bothered me the most over the years. It stuck inside me like a parasitic bacteria, spreading over all of my happy thoughts, eradicating them. When I have been putting myself down for so long, this word was like poison to my blood. It killed me at every good moment I was having, making sure I stayed down in the dumps where I belonged.
When I was a young child, we heard stories of horror and war from the past, and it was ingrained in our little heads that we were "SELFISH" if we ever wanted an extra treat or to be shown extra attention. At least in my experience, with the teachers I remember the most, the most awful, repressed, suppressed, "dick"tatorial ones. One told us, a class of nine year olds, a gruesome story I will never forget, and she seemed to delight in our horror as she ingrained in us the importance of sacrificing yourself and how EVIL it was to desire something for yourself.
Well, at least that was how I interpreted it. Because my own vibration frequency resonated so much with self-annihilation. I still think she should have known better than to tell a group of young kids who would be prone to not understanding the meaning of sacrificing your life for the truth such a awful story.
But that is what they teach all the time. The importance of DYING for your sins, and how awful it is to fall once in a while. All my life I have picked up subtle messages of running away from sad feelings, being "bad" by expressing your hurt feelings, and how awful it was to not agree or say no to a grown up. This is just me, of course, with my own hologram and how I picked up on experiences I went through. But it was awful for me, and it warped my allowance of even THINKING of anything bad, until my sunny, fake, poster cheerful face drooped and melted to the floor.
I can no longer live like this. In a dream of everything being okay and happy, and when things KILL me inside, having to hide it and shut it down for the sake of "truth" and that "I'm selfish."
My sister, adoptive, accused me of selfishness just a few months ago, when I apparently RUINED her day by telling her my anger at her for hurting me. Maybe I was a little immature, but this is me right now. In my growth process and reconnecting with myself. It was truly HER choice to understand and feel regret for her wrongdoing, or to get all ANGRY at me for my own anger. This shows she is wounded too, because she let it touch her so much inside instead of realizing it was MY objective feelings, and that she did hurt me.
But anyway, I hate being called selfish because it reinforces my own feelings of it and how much I try to suppress being so. When I was young, I imagined the horror wars of the past and thought an awful thought that proves how much I detested my selfishness- that I would never be able to go through starving and watching my parents die because I was "SOO IMMATURE AND SELFISH" it seemed I was too bad of a person to be able to deal with it.
I was bullying myself. Just like I was bullied in my most vulnerable state of being a baby and losing my only supply of life- my mother. I did not allow myself the courtesy of understanding I was a victim, and war did not have to be the only victimization that people dealt with in this life of planet earth. That if it wasn't VISIBLE it wasn't real to the general society. If a baby doesn't cry, he must NOT have important feelings. Or they will go away, because one cannot conjure up memories of your babyhood. So..... What is babyhood for? Just the parents to diaper and coo and cuddle with their doll-like baby?
It is actually GOOD to be selfish sometimes. It protects a person from letting others take over his will. Healthy humans NEED to be selfish, it's a basic human need for infants for when they are learning about themselves and boundaries from their mother. As psychology teaches, Until a baby is nine months old they still see themselves as a part of their mother, and after that, they begin to learn they are separate and have their own desires and interests. They NEED to learn healthy boundaries when separating slowly from their mother in order to gain self-esteem and a sense of self-importance.
Us adoptees miss this stage, because we lose our "self" from the get go when we are ripped from our mothers, and stay in this narcissistic stage where we have to survive on other's love. We never do gain healthy self-esteem, because we could not chose on our own to develop our own desires. Our whole life is based on survival and doing what will make others "stay" with us so we are not ALONE and ERADICATED once again.
This can happen with any baby who does not have enough trust that his mother is there for him, and she neglects his needs, so he learns that he is not truly worthy of being his own person and needs to attach onto her desires of what he do so she doesn't leave him.
So, yes I am still selfish in some ordeals, and it may take me time to feel confident to let go of my unmet child needs of attention and adoration. Soon, my friends, I will be able to give back to the world and help others find their broken pieces that need other's attention to move forward to.
Until then, I will NOT take anyone's calling of me selfish, because they cannot understand my brokenness. I am BROKEN and I am Proud of it. "The Diagnosis is bad enough without the added societal shame." Knowing yourself is the only way you can change.
Bring on the Evening as I cry,
Selfish Adoptee
That is one of the spiritual teachings that bothered me the most over the years. It stuck inside me like a parasitic bacteria, spreading over all of my happy thoughts, eradicating them. When I have been putting myself down for so long, this word was like poison to my blood. It killed me at every good moment I was having, making sure I stayed down in the dumps where I belonged.
When I was a young child, we heard stories of horror and war from the past, and it was ingrained in our little heads that we were "SELFISH" if we ever wanted an extra treat or to be shown extra attention. At least in my experience, with the teachers I remember the most, the most awful, repressed, suppressed, "dick"tatorial ones. One told us, a class of nine year olds, a gruesome story I will never forget, and she seemed to delight in our horror as she ingrained in us the importance of sacrificing yourself and how EVIL it was to desire something for yourself.
Well, at least that was how I interpreted it. Because my own vibration frequency resonated so much with self-annihilation. I still think she should have known better than to tell a group of young kids who would be prone to not understanding the meaning of sacrificing your life for the truth such a awful story.
But that is what they teach all the time. The importance of DYING for your sins, and how awful it is to fall once in a while. All my life I have picked up subtle messages of running away from sad feelings, being "bad" by expressing your hurt feelings, and how awful it was to not agree or say no to a grown up. This is just me, of course, with my own hologram and how I picked up on experiences I went through. But it was awful for me, and it warped my allowance of even THINKING of anything bad, until my sunny, fake, poster cheerful face drooped and melted to the floor.
I can no longer live like this. In a dream of everything being okay and happy, and when things KILL me inside, having to hide it and shut it down for the sake of "truth" and that "I'm selfish."
My sister, adoptive, accused me of selfishness just a few months ago, when I apparently RUINED her day by telling her my anger at her for hurting me. Maybe I was a little immature, but this is me right now. In my growth process and reconnecting with myself. It was truly HER choice to understand and feel regret for her wrongdoing, or to get all ANGRY at me for my own anger. This shows she is wounded too, because she let it touch her so much inside instead of realizing it was MY objective feelings, and that she did hurt me.
But anyway, I hate being called selfish because it reinforces my own feelings of it and how much I try to suppress being so. When I was young, I imagined the horror wars of the past and thought an awful thought that proves how much I detested my selfishness- that I would never be able to go through starving and watching my parents die because I was "SOO IMMATURE AND SELFISH" it seemed I was too bad of a person to be able to deal with it.
I was bullying myself. Just like I was bullied in my most vulnerable state of being a baby and losing my only supply of life- my mother. I did not allow myself the courtesy of understanding I was a victim, and war did not have to be the only victimization that people dealt with in this life of planet earth. That if it wasn't VISIBLE it wasn't real to the general society. If a baby doesn't cry, he must NOT have important feelings. Or they will go away, because one cannot conjure up memories of your babyhood. So..... What is babyhood for? Just the parents to diaper and coo and cuddle with their doll-like baby?
It is actually GOOD to be selfish sometimes. It protects a person from letting others take over his will. Healthy humans NEED to be selfish, it's a basic human need for infants for when they are learning about themselves and boundaries from their mother. As psychology teaches, Until a baby is nine months old they still see themselves as a part of their mother, and after that, they begin to learn they are separate and have their own desires and interests. They NEED to learn healthy boundaries when separating slowly from their mother in order to gain self-esteem and a sense of self-importance.
Us adoptees miss this stage, because we lose our "self" from the get go when we are ripped from our mothers, and stay in this narcissistic stage where we have to survive on other's love. We never do gain healthy self-esteem, because we could not chose on our own to develop our own desires. Our whole life is based on survival and doing what will make others "stay" with us so we are not ALONE and ERADICATED once again.
This can happen with any baby who does not have enough trust that his mother is there for him, and she neglects his needs, so he learns that he is not truly worthy of being his own person and needs to attach onto her desires of what he do so she doesn't leave him.
So, yes I am still selfish in some ordeals, and it may take me time to feel confident to let go of my unmet child needs of attention and adoration. Soon, my friends, I will be able to give back to the world and help others find their broken pieces that need other's attention to move forward to.
Until then, I will NOT take anyone's calling of me selfish, because they cannot understand my brokenness. I am BROKEN and I am Proud of it. "The Diagnosis is bad enough without the added societal shame." Knowing yourself is the only way you can change.
Bring on the Evening as I cry,
Selfish Adoptee
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