We Can All Give Productively

           Truthfully, the possibilities are endless. I used to think that in order to be a somebody in life, I had to have lots of skill and experience. The thought of becoming a professional of any kind was daunting. It was a far reach, at the end of a long journey. I was too ashamed to admit this, I felt incapable of doing anything useful in the world. So I pushed and procrastinated chosing a career, and ended up in one dead end job after another. I complained about the bore of it and my bosses' mistreatment and having low expectations of me, but the thought of it being my own choice to end up there and that I had options of doing things I actually wanted was nonexistent. It seemed impossible. The last job I had was getting closer to my actual will, and that was being an assistant babysitter and substitute teacher for young kids. I felt happier in it, despite still feeling like they were undermining my skills. It was the first time I was working for money to live off by doing something for myself to enjoy. Giving of myself more willingly.

            This is what we all are here to do. To use our talents for the betterment of others. Giving back to the world, as Ralph Smart says, means you are giving more than taking. When spiritual teachers of the past used to guide me into giving of myself in order to feel good, I never knew what to do because I felt ultimately incapable of creating or doing anything with my self. I had talents, but they were barely valued even by me. I used to love dancing in my room to music, but I thought what good was that for, there was no job that required that. Or drawing cartoonish pictures of people which looked like them, or being good at drawing places with details really thrilled me, but I never felt good enough to feel I could grow in it and share with others. My days were spent pursuing pleasures and trying to make it to look like I had some sense of normalcy and balance. I didn't know there was more to life and using what you had inside to impact others was the whole meaning of life. I thought one had to simply try to fit into required roles in society if they had no special, inborn capabilities. And I felt I had none, as well as no strong will to study professions like medical field, science, biology, or law to get a high salary job. 

            Now I see that there is soo much I can do. When the focus becomes on your happiness, things suddenly fall into place. When the will is working,it can do anything. Love for yourself produces will to please yourself. I lifted the veil of shame that shrouded my personality, rendering it useless, and am now able to see my true capabilities. I am worthy of being able to help others in my unique ways. I figured out that when we do things we actually love, we will be happier and find life easier and more fun. Life doesn't have to be hard and impossible to be happy with, we can enjoy it all the time. I am glad I had the opportunity to stay home for a year and raise my baby unpressured, and see what I like doing more. I do feel a drive to create and give more to society, and it no longer accompanies dread and self-doubt. I no longer look down on people who don't have a strong job and are doing things from home, unprofessionally. I see them as figuring out their lives, and enjoying the process. When I judge others it is a terrible feeling because it stems from not believing in their good, and we all have good in us that needs to be seen. It encourages us and others. We all know that positivity leads to productivity.

          They say that many millennials are incapable of working 9-5 jobs because they need more purpose and they feel it gives them no stimulation in life. I agree that this has negative and positive sides, but it shows a shift in wanting to find meaning in life. Instead of covering up hidden emotions of anger and frustration and pretending to be okay with life, while meanwhile taking it out on family and seemingly justified situations such as a misbehaving child. We need to pay more attention to our feelings, we don't want to raise a generation of people who ignore theirs and try to cover them up with pursuits of cheap thrills. True happiness comes from meaningful interaction with others and self-love. 

       To me, writing this is self-love because I truly enjoy putting together my thoughts and creating ideas in a concrete way. It's not the results that mean the most to me, it is the process and inspiration it gives me. I hope I never lose hope in myself to give more, and have ability to do. I can make my dreams come true.