Choose Your Battles, And Relishing In Self-Love

    I beat myself up every time I enjoy food. It is ruining my happiness and life. I cannot stand that something I am doing daily is not perfect. It is a way to control myself when my emotions feel like chaos. I don't know where to turn, who to be. I need to sit back and relax. I am going to be okay. I need to trust more.

        I think this means I have to let the food battle go a bit. I deserve to enjoy myself after all the fighting going on inside since day 1. I don't know how to be any other way. I have to let this battle go for now. Focus on battling self-hate. Give myself the present of acceptance of my flaw of turning to food for comfort. I found myself scrambling for food as I took actions to change my life and hating myself for it. Telling myself I had to be in control. When I am too anxious to sit still at the anxiety of major changes happening, like moving and changing my mindset. I cannot stay in this house now, it has too low-energy vibes and no longer matches my frequency. I hope to find my peace soon. 

        Instagram quote I saw: Remain Humble But still let these mf-ers know  I think I'm finally getting to know myself. Receive myself in ego state. This is the only way I will be able to give back and see others. Use my talents. Feel who I am in whole. So that I can let go of "protecting" myself. As the therapist today said, when we feel uncomfortable with ourselves somewhere we won't be able to give anything to anyone, so they definitely don't gain anything out of us attending. It is time for each person to live for himself and know himself!! It feels magical, and like I am bursting out of my tightly-wound shell. Terrifying but liberating, like a caterpillar turning into the butterfly. Am I gonna make it out there in this vast world, or will I get crushed? Only G-d can help me. And I notice his Hand and it still terrifies me.

         I feel I was always meant to be an individual, not following the crowd. I always knew I was special. I manifested that knowing into my outside, by slowly becoming my own person. Letting go of the voicing criticism of others about who I am. I am myself. I created my reality. I did it on my own. I need to learn to see that. This is so exciting!! Now I will manifest what I want. First off is money to stop struggling so I can be free to do what I please and go in my direction. Wherever that may be. Am I getting too ahead of myself? Will I stumble and fall? Can I handle all of this self-love?

           At the lecture he also said if not for the laws of mankind the people would swallow one another whole. It is important that we follow laws, because a person's heart has all kinds of different desires that shadow over his knowledge of what's right. I know this, the importance of following your head where the knowledge lies. The goal in life is to get your heart to connect to it. I saw on instagram, Self-love is not about basking is the glory of yourself, it is also about knowing your flaws and being accountable for them. This is what it's talking about- using your logic and applying it to be better.

         The indigo/old soul/ adopted fellow I was talking to a while ago said something that struck me. When you pray, it is not enough and the ends to all means to cry and be in "love" with G-d, because that in a way is all about YOU and EGO. The true greatness comes from being humble and acknowledging that there is a power outside yourself, that you are not the center of the universe. It is holding both perspectives at once- having self-love and also knowing how small you are compared to the universe. 

         So I am striving for this, but I think first I have to GET to self-acceptance and unconditional love. Only then will I be able to see clearly outside of myself. Objectively.