Stop Re-traumatizing Yourself, Be Your Level

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       I was able to be with my daughter happily and presently today, by sinking into the moment despite being out in public. I know it is so important for babies to feel seen and heard when they are in all feelings, to be mirrored and feel valid as a person. It opened her up to me and she was curious and calm suddenly. Her tired crankiness went away a bit, and she pointed to stuff with me in the store and copied the sounds of what I said they were. It was cute and precious.

        I realize that I traumatize myself when I tell myself that I need to do something or be a certain way. I let my feelings be there and I feel better immediately. Yesterday when it was getting late and I started in on myself with blame and pressure to do what I had to, I decided to turn on some music. We had just been listening to Alan Robarge on YouTube about attachment wounds and how they cause us to feel insecure, and it was a bit overwhelming to me. So I shut it and put on some light music, and danced with my daughter. I pushed myself to enjoy, and I did. We laughed and twirled, and I decided I wanted to stay this happy all night and not feel the stress of having to have her sleep. We chilled on the bed and I let her play freely. I tried to be with her. My husband surprised me and joined in my present being, and we say together silently. I saw our pride in our daughter and I soaked it in. I wanted us to always feel this calm, non-pressured way with her. She was joy and love. She smiled innocently and widely at us. She fell off the bed when I was looking at my phone, and screamed. I picked her up and held her soothingly. I showed her that I felt her pain and was there. She fell asleep not too late. I didn't ignore her feelings and apologized for the earlier way I ignored her, and told her she must feel hurt about it. She swayed back and forth and made herself comfortable and closed her eyes. 

           I did not pressure myself to write and record my feelings of inspiration. I knew I would get too caught up and lose my footing in reality. I still had a way to go. To make each day work. It was still a large job. And here I am. Starting to notice my stress more and not pressure myself to do everything as much.

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