G-d Sending Me A Voice Pointing The Way In My Life
So I realized something about myself very important and special. I was sending Ollie Matthews my story, as he is big on narcissist abuse recovery on his Youtube channel and he validates and encourages people, and he made me video responses in private because I did not want to go public with everything.
He said he loves hearing my story and is always glad to answer me. It shocked and surprised me a lot that someone can see me as great and important, too. He said I need to get away from unhealthy people and break out more, developing my own voice. He said it seems like I am the kind of person my community needs to make changes, as they are all pretty stuck in their old ways and do not have good self-esteem. It was refreshing to hear from an outsider of my religion. It was also surprising to me that he did not look down on me for being religious and a firm believer in being there for my child even if it meant being a home-mother, and he even pointed out to me that this was something I believed a lot because I was very animated talking about it, as I was usually "frozen-eyed" in the past videos and looked so sad. He said in each video he get's to know me more, and he thinks I have a lot of potential to change the view on religion in the community. He says any religion is a hotbed for narcissism, because it has the element of being "better than thou" and bullying others through it. I agreed, and explained why people in my religion acted superior and seemed to judge others because they were insecure themselves. I said I wanted to use religion as a tool for growth, and it was great that way in that each person can grow in their own pace and we are obviously all flawed. That is the point of life- to keep growing for the better. I found love in religion because I felt that G-d was with me and I had a reason to go on. Being a perfectionist is unhealthy, and comes from low self-worth. I try to explain it to my family, that I am not perfect and they cannot seem to shake that I am crazy for being different and wanting to change my life. They do not see me. Ollie sees me for who I am, and he is very proud of me for breaking away from the unhealthy clutches of our families.
Anyway, I realized as he pointed out, that I am looking for something bigger in life to be part of, and that I want a community and to be with people who are looking for change like me. He said I can either keep wandering to find it, staying stuck in feeling bound to my family of upbringing, or I can make a change and move away, finding my purpose. I am ecstatic and spent the day recording my response to him, and being happy, having confidence in my job of taking care of my child, and finding self-love.
He said he loves hearing my story and is always glad to answer me. It shocked and surprised me a lot that someone can see me as great and important, too. He said I need to get away from unhealthy people and break out more, developing my own voice. He said it seems like I am the kind of person my community needs to make changes, as they are all pretty stuck in their old ways and do not have good self-esteem. It was refreshing to hear from an outsider of my religion. It was also surprising to me that he did not look down on me for being religious and a firm believer in being there for my child even if it meant being a home-mother, and he even pointed out to me that this was something I believed a lot because I was very animated talking about it, as I was usually "frozen-eyed" in the past videos and looked so sad. He said in each video he get's to know me more, and he thinks I have a lot of potential to change the view on religion in the community. He says any religion is a hotbed for narcissism, because it has the element of being "better than thou" and bullying others through it. I agreed, and explained why people in my religion acted superior and seemed to judge others because they were insecure themselves. I said I wanted to use religion as a tool for growth, and it was great that way in that each person can grow in their own pace and we are obviously all flawed. That is the point of life- to keep growing for the better. I found love in religion because I felt that G-d was with me and I had a reason to go on. Being a perfectionist is unhealthy, and comes from low self-worth. I try to explain it to my family, that I am not perfect and they cannot seem to shake that I am crazy for being different and wanting to change my life. They do not see me. Ollie sees me for who I am, and he is very proud of me for breaking away from the unhealthy clutches of our families.
Anyway, I realized as he pointed out, that I am looking for something bigger in life to be part of, and that I want a community and to be with people who are looking for change like me. He said I can either keep wandering to find it, staying stuck in feeling bound to my family of upbringing, or I can make a change and move away, finding my purpose. I am ecstatic and spent the day recording my response to him, and being happy, having confidence in my job of taking care of my child, and finding self-love.
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