Get In The Flow - Presence In Yourself

        In the end it'll be about what you want. Being authentic is hard, as Teal Swan says in a video with Ralph Smart on how to be authentic. It requires going against what every one else says you should be doing. In her new video, How To Get Into The Flow, she says we need to get into alignment with our desires in order to manifest anything and if you are not in alignment you will not succeed. It is like a person thinking about his wife and divorce while in a business deal. He will be too distracted to go forth.

        Ollie Mathews talks a lot about how growing up with narcissistic abusive parents cause people to doubt themselves and not be able to use their talents. Their parents taunting them is always in their head. This was always true for me, I had an ADD brain and could never seem to be present. I envied people who were genuine and thought I will never be that way. I could never pull it off, as hard as I tried. I was in resistance to my true feelings because everyone in my childhood was, so I was a mess inside trying to hold on to the outside for recognition. What I really needed and need is to see myself. Since I was never mirrored for who I was I have a hard time knowing it or validating who I am. Like from square one. Am I hungry? Am I bored? Stressed? I need to constantly check in. Teal says in the video that most people are living having NO CLUE they are out of alignment with themselves, because denial is easier than healing, which is painful. She says that when you start to align and pay attention, things will be expounded and your pain and grief will strike much more seemingly. This is true by me, everything seems to knock me down for hours and I can barely move. Such as daughter being too quiet draws me into trauma vortex. I fee guilty and am scared of her feeling pain. It is projection from how I felt unheard as a child. That's why it pains me soo much, so I need reality check that she is truly happy and connected. I hurt her further by sinking into depression. 

         Teal says whatever makes your heart sing joyfully is what you should do. We are fragmented so we don't know what we want. I need to watch the video on that.  About my husband- I am too needy for him at times. We are not together because we get too involved in our setback feelings of low self worth. A marriage needs people to be present with one another, not in substance addictions. I see it clearly how we are not really focused on each other and more on ourselves. We try to please each other too much instead of being in alignment with our own needs. Teal says being in the flow means you can see your feelings and the feelings of those around you. This needs room for changes of plans - spontaneity- because things will inevitably come up. She says when you start to do this, synchronicity will become daily. But you will need to Keep doing it over and over each day for all your life. Count me in I'm ready to LIVE! Just watching her video was synchronicity for me. And talking to my birth father knowing he'd get me was synchronicity. Watching Ollie Mathews about how his ex father-in-law was childish was synchronicity because it reminded me of my father and how he acts- helped me accept his situation more. There is soo much. I am grateful that I know Aware Parenting and truly see my daughter for her level and age so I treat her accordingly because then she feels more understood. I dread her feeling like I did her age stuck in a cage of pleasing all immature, stuck in infantile-needs, unaware adults.