My First Separation From My Daughter, A Step Towards Healthiness

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           I realized how important it is to keep going, to keep showing love to my child even when I don't feel anything. I don't feel any love inside, and excitement in life at times. She still needs me, and I can't give up though. It affects her. I heard an Ollie Mathews' video today about how this man had memories of his father yelling at him as a 2 year old, and Ollie said that makes sense because it was when he was broken, and he learned then to stay hyper-vigilant to the environment and EXPECT it to happen again. This hurt me a lot by realizing that I did that to my daughter too, and I vowed to never "break" her like that again, even when I feel like garbage. I even took a video of myself pushing her and her crying, just to show myself what I was doing. She was screaming and trying to catch her breathe, it must have hurt her so much inside. She is a small vessel, and cannot understand that other people have feelings outside her, and so feels rejected for her own self. I feel horrible thinking about it. I noticed her PTSD from it yesterday because she was acting "autistic" by repeating the word song all day and nothing else.

          I guess when I am angry I need to calm myself down instead of focusing on her needs, and go out no matter what, to calm myself and get back to love for her. Heaven forbid, I don't want her to remember me as I acted then, an angry, hostile, and selfish mother. I want her to have memories of confidence in doing things that she can.

         I had to leave her for the first time yesterday, for 45 minutes to attend a therapy session for myself to talk about my issues, and it was hell for me when I saw her screaming and had to leave her in the car. It probably was a bad idea because of my breakdown the day before, so she was still insecure. My husband supported me and drove me there by car, so we could part for a shorter time. She still screamed, and went on for 20 minutes. I called my husband when I stepped into her office, and I heard my baby screaming so loud in the background my heart broke. I called to her, "I love you and will come back, don't cry!" My husband stayed in the same place with her the whole time and she eventually stopped due to watching baby shows and stared ahead blankly. My new therapist, who was very nice and understanding, told me I had accomplished a major thing by leaving my daughter and it showed her that I had strength and conviction, as well as a lot of knowledge about psychology. I told her my entire background, about my birth family and adoptive, how I was gas lighted all my life and made to feel like my feelings we're false, and she said it makes sense that I would feel crazy. I saw myself as stronger for being able to separate from all the people in my life who were unhealthy. She told me by separating from my daughter for myself, she felt that I was taking a step towards more healthiness and less codependency, as my biological family tended to be very codependent because of their trauma of losing family members. I thanked her.

            When I got back to the car, she looked so cute I held her and felt renewed love to her for being alive. I hugged and cuddled her, and she accepted it desperately. I need to keep trying to be happy because that is the main thing she wants from me.

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