Being Aware of Our Energies

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My daughter is finally sleeping. Whew what a job after all my resistance to seeing her. I did not feel seen so I could not see her pain, or my projection of her having it. I also got into a nasty fight with my husband over him being "fake" with her, and then how am I supposed to be the only one here trying to see her? It was impossible... My self righteous claims ruled. He did not appreciate being blamed as it brought up feelings of worthlessness... So I finally let out my true feeling of tension that was stuck and not letting me move and sobbed in this wrangled voice saying, "Please just go! Stop doing this... I can't take it." And I forced him to leave because him just being in my space with his accusations of me blaming him was triggering all my wounds inside. Which exist, as Lisa Romano said- if we would see emotional wounds on the outside, no one would hurt one another or judge. So I cried a bit to myself, and felt stuck.

I was thinking about what Marion Rose said in her facebook chat about "are you willing to have your child listen." She said that children pick up on our energy more than our words, and if we do not mean what we request of them with our whole bodies, meaning we are not fully willing to have them do what we say, they will sense it. i realize this is true when I am not truly there for my daughter, and am just saying the words in "head space," meaning intellectually but not from my heart. Such as when I need her to stop making a mess and I tell her to, but my voice holds irritation deep down and she resists it. I am not truly willing to be there for HER because I am triggered by my own feelings of needing perfection, that I cannot see her young emotional body and I hurt her.

Anyway, I was thinking about all this and realized that she was right, and when people do not say things with their full bodies it will not be as effective as if they had. Babies even more so because they are sensitive to energies of people. But grown ups can, too, if they hone that ability enough- to sense what the other person's energy is saying really.

I also noticed that with people who were traumatized and wounded, they have a harder time feeling like their energy affects others, and feeling real.... So therefore they do not notice other people's as much, either. But the more I am working on seeing my emotional wounds, the more I become sensitive to energies around me. I still have a way to go to realizing that my energy is important, because I have a hard time knowing that my daughter sees me so I stall on getting into emotional talk with her. I keep apologizing to her for not seeing her enough so not being so there emotionally, such as being a bit down at times and not meeting her needs for attention and love, and I cannot see fully if she accepts it. I hope one day I will be able to see. I am hoping that when she can talk to me she will be able to communicate how she feels, and I will be able to see my impact on her better, too. I guess the reason a baby and toddler cannot talk is for the mother to have the challenge of loving them even when they cannot communicate/show that they appreciate it and see it.

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